COMPLETELY UNINFORMED 2011 GOPHERS PREVIEW PART 2

Here are our completely uninformed thoughts on the defense.
 
DEFENSIVE LINE


Eight sacks. Why? Eight sacks
Driving Ge'Swan to drink lye
Tweak nips to ease pain

Ge'Swan: Not a lot to say here. They were awful in 2010 in almost every facet of the game. I love them all like brothers, but they couldn't stop a nosebleed. Eight sacks is all one really needs to say. I have a Robitussin addiction thanks to these guys.

2011 stands to be better since, well, literally, it could not get any worse. Kevin Cosgrove and his bend, break, then break some more defense is out the door in favor of Tracy Claeys' AGGRESSIVE ATTACK ATTACK scheme. All the real blogs out there have covered what this means, so it's enough to say that it will hopefully be less reading the line and watching RBs and WRs run by you and more engagement and, you know, tackling.

From a personnel standpoint, the Gophers lose Jewhan Edwards. As we all know now, there was no party like a Jew Jew party, 'cuz a Jew Jew party don't stop and, I like to think, he was an aficionado of all things Swishas and dosha. He was the Gophers most productive lineman last year, with three sacks, and was a pleasure to watch on the field; but I suspect his rumored Sizzurpfests and #TWITTERWARZ with WLA may have doomed him in the eyes of the new staff. I, for one, will miss you Jew Jew.

As to the guys who are still actually on the team, Brandon Kirksey and Anthony Jacobs are the fatties manning the interior of the line. Both are strong and athletic for their size, so should be decent anchors. They are backed up by Eric Jaques, Harold Legania and Ra'Shede Hageman. 'Shede has the most upside here and is allegedly capable of world-class cleans and snatches (the powerlift, not the mommy parts, you guys). Unfortunately, he still plays too high and, with poor technique, strength as is useful in football as good penmanship.

At end, Ben Perry and D.L. Wilhite are your apparently starters. D.L. was my favorite Gopher on Twitter until he blocked me. I ain't even mad, though. They are supported by Kendall Gregory-McGee, Matt Garin and a couple of raw and super skinny freshmen.

Ge'Swan's Grade: C. The Bukkake Arrangement will be in full effect here as well, with guys rotating in and out to stay fresh. I'm not convinced of the talent of the starters, so I'm not sure the BA will be as effective as it will be for the RBs. Maybe I'm wrong and the scheme will turn this ugly caterpillar into a swan.

Our Defensive Line Enjoying the Outdoors

TRE:  I’m starting to get a little worried about Swan’s addiction to the Bukkake. Also, comparing the Gopher defensive line to a series of undersized Japanese men can’t be a good thing. Finally, “not a lot to say here” managed to become 500 words. Neat-o.

Dennis Dodd over at had a nice blurb about D.L. Wilhite:

“Minnesota's sophomore defensive end knows he's probably not going pro. He also knows the value of a scholarship.

It is your duty to root for this kid. Wilhite is pursuing a double major and hopes to one day become a professor. During the offseason, he was accepted as a Ronald E. McNair Scholar, an initiative that honors the former Challenger space shuttle astronaut. Wilhite has an interest in Middle Eastern studies and hopes to study in Cairo in 2013.

D.L.'s dad doesn't allow dreadlocks, tats, earrings or baggy pants. Wilhite took his first plane flight when he came to Minnesota for a recruiting visit. The family didn't take vacations because they couldn't afford them.

‘I can go out and blow my knee out the first day of camp and be done for the rest of my career," Wilhite told the Minneapolis Star Tribune, "But you can never take away the stuff I've learned.’ “ (Source: Dodd's CBS Article)

So, with kudos to Mr. Dodd, I’ll definitely be rooting for D.L. Wilhite. I agree that Kirksey and Jacobs make a solid interior and I think Legania has a future as our new Jew-Jew. This group badly needs someone to step forward and put pressure on the quarterback. The more aggressive, blitzing style may help. With Beal now likely out with a knee injury, I doubt we’ll see much of Tinsley lining up on the end like we saw in the fall scrimmage. TRE’s Grade: D They need help or this really is a Japanese jerk-off fest.

LINEBACKERS

Gopher Linebackers
Please keep them under forty!
You're our only hope

TRE: By all accounts, the Gopher line backing corps appears to be strength for this year’s squad.  Which is kind of like saying they’re thinnest person at fat camp.  Junior Keanon Cooper is an outside linebacker with speed and an active Twitter account.  I have some concerns about his ability against the run as I’ve seen him get inhaled by opposing lineman in the past.  Sophomore Brandon Beal is a big inside linebacker that transferred from Florida after two years marred by injury. (and it appears he's back at it again...get well, Brandon) He may have taken a number of blows to the head, which would be the only explanation for traveling so far north.  He’ll be in the mix inside along with Senior Gary Tinsley.  In the spring game we saw a lot of Tinsley lining up at end and rushing the passer as well.  If you looked closely you could see the outline of the 2x4 under his jersey.  

Like a Greek God!

                   

Junior Mike Rallis will start at the other outside linebacker opposite Cooper, when he’s not injured, which seems to be often.  The bonus of an injured Rallis of course is that we get to see his luxurious flowing locks of hair as he stands there on the sidelines.  Spencer Reeves will see plenty of time as well.  I was pretty high on Patrick Sveum as a backup OLB until google internet research proved that he was not the son of former MLBer Dale Sveum.  This was crushing news for me.  Junior Ryan Grant is also in the picture; Bud Grant, yadda, yadda.

So Much Stache!

 

TRE’s Grade: Overall I give this group a B grade with upside.  Beal has yet to prove it on the field, but looks impressive, Cooper is as fast as my beer slams and Tinsley is a wild man. 

Ge’Swan: Tough to disagree with much of TRE’s analysis here. My only complaint is that he graded them too low. Linebacker is, without doubt, the deepest position on the team. Tinsley, the only senior of the bunch, has an outside chance at All B1G this year, Coop is faster than God delivering a Jimmy John’s and Rallis is a poor-man’s Clay Matthews. Well, his hair is similar, anyway. That ish flows like the wings of a majestic bird.

The position depth is what warrants the higher grade, in my opinion. Reeves was highly touted out of high school and looks like he’s about 45. I’m expecting big things from him, as Clayes rotates dudes in and out like a bukkake video. Similarly, Beal, Aaron Hill, Deee-wayne Mitchell and Sveum will see significant time. Brent Singleton is a bit of a wildcard. A RSFr, he picked the Gophers over some solid offers, but has mysteriously been left off the 105-man camp roster. I’d like to think it’s because KILL was concerned he’d mangle fools if given two weeks to lay the wood to them; but I suspect it’s something way less cool than that. Singleton aside, all of these guys are capable of solid contributions, enabling the starting LBs to play a more prominent role on passing downs in certain situations.

Ge’Swan’s Grade: A- for the position group, beeetches. If I knew how they ranked the position, I’d say they finish in the top four of the B1G

SECONDARY

Tiny Secondary
Buzz around like flies on poo
Don't stink up the joint

TRE: The defensive backfield for the Gophers in 2010 was terrible.  It was a revolving door of blown coverage.  The good news for 2011 is there is no place to go but up.  However, a lot of the usual suspects return and it is up to them and the new coaching staff to make an improvement.  Starting at cornerback is Senior Troy Stoudamire and who?  Hell, I don’t know.  Shane Vereen’s brother could be there.  Otherwise, it might be Junior Kyle Henderson.  Henderson’s Gophersports.com bio lists him at 5’11”, which makes me about 7’5” I guess.  Henderson is the kind of guy you cheer for if he’s coming off of the bench or at dime corner.  Then he’s your Hosea Crittenden; the undersized, overachiever guy.  There was a whole movie about this type of guy starring a hobbit. 

RUDY! RUDY! RUDY!

 

Sadly, on this team he might be your starting corner and covering someone like Marvin McNutt (yes, that’s a real name and he’s 6’4”).  The safeties are a little jumbled too.  Senior Kim Royston returns after suffering an injury in 2010; and boy do we need him.  Kim could partner with Christyn Lewis to make up the all chick name backfield, but that is unlikely.  It looks like it’s either Shady Solomon or James Manuel will be opposite K-Roy.  Manuel played quite a bit as a true freshman last year, with pretty dogshit results.  He’s big though, and athletic; so there’s hope.  Shady is a converted running back.  So, you know if he’s in there we’re pretty desperate.  Tyronn Bouie is a red shirt freshman that shows some skills.  Plus, he’s named after a big knife.  Chase Haviland is in the safety carousel somewhere. Johnny Johnson is an even smaller corner than Kyle Henderson, but has been known to lay some big hits.  There’s a Tow-Arnett running around out there too.

TRE’s Grade: I give this group a D thanks to the return of Kim mostly (otherwise it would be in the F-zone).  Stoudamire has an opportunity to make a jump this year to being a solid corner, but I think he is what he is: inconsistent.  Manuel needs to improve on 2010 and has the talent to do so. 

Ge’Swan: 2010 was awful from a pass defense standpoint. Actually, awful doesn’t go far enough. How about appalling? Holocaustic? Double, double-plus ungood? For once, I was happy there was no (erm, legal) booze available at TCF; it may have staved off the creeping, necrotic death of my liver for another year or two. Remember our 3rd down defense last year? Me too, and I start every morning with a Xanax and

shot of Jack to deal with it.

But TRE’s got it wrong: you can’t pin the debacle of 2010 entirely on the secondary. The Gophers had eight (8) (EIGHT) sacks last year. In twelve games. Eight.sacks. Worst in the nation. Eight. I’m no svengali of  offensive football, but I’m pretty sure there are long snappers out there who could break the 2010 secondary if they had 47 seconds to read the coverage and snap the ball to the open receiver. Solely blaming the secondary for last year’s abomination is akin to blaming your dog for shitting the house. Sure, all the evidence points toward him being the proximate cause of the stank; but maybe, just maybe, your buddy Kevin Cosgrove dumping the Thai curry in his bowl last night had something to do with it.

With that said, I’m not terribly optimistic for this year’s secondary. As a whole, CB/S group has more depth than any time I can remember, but it’s largely unproven. We’ll see more man coverage than last year, which should be in line with the available player’s skill set. I think Stoudamire has more upside than TRE and Brocktarius will be competent on the other side. Three-years-and-out Mike Carter needs to make a move this year and Kyle Henderson should be immense, given the 78 he earned in NCAA12. Then there’s Royston and a bunch of other dudes.

Ge’Swan’s Grade: I’m grading this unit a C. I’ll go so far as to say someone from this

unit makes one of the All B1G lists, even if I have to do one myself.

 

COMPLETELY UNINFORMED 2011 GOPHERS PREVIEW

Ge’Swan and TRE go through the 2011 squad position by position and give each group grades.  These grades are serious business™ and should be given a great deal respect and a little bit of fear.  The haikus you are free to mock mercilessly.  Feel free to add your own gopher haiku to the comments section.  Here's our take on the offensive side.

QUARTERBACKS

A Four Star Recruit

Sitting idly on the bench

Weber throwing ducks

                                           Is that Bunk from HBO's The Wire on the left?

TRE: From the day that MarQueis Gray signed on to play for the Minnesota Gophers I was excited about seeing him play.  There was a problem though.  Despite getting one of the best quarterback recruits in Gopher history, Tim Brewster stuck with Adam Weber at QB.  Weber proceeded over the next few years to become the Benjamin Button of QBs.  He made more and more terrible throws and worse decisions with each game.  You had to wonder if he was somehow deteriorating mentally and physically as time went by.  Brewster’s love affair went so far as to move Gray to wide receiver, where he more than held his own.  Since Gray is the best athlete on the team, that wasn’t a surprise.  What was a surprise was why you would limit Gray’s touches to 8-10 times a game versus every play.  Seriously, what the fuck? 

Fast forward to today and we finally get to see what Gray can do.  The offense is called the pistol, which is like the shotgun only the quarterback is closer to the line (get it?) and a single back lines up behind the quarterback.  It was created by Chris Ault at Nevada, and if you watched Colin Kaepernick at all last year, you know it’s a great offense for a dual threat quarterback.  Gray by all accounts is more of a runner than a passer at this point.  His downfield accuracy is questionable, but he appears to have plenty of arm strength.  There will no doubt be growing pains (WHICH WE COULD HAVE GONE THROUGH LAST YEAR), but Gray has a ton of talent and should be fun to watch.  Max Shortell appears to have won the backup spot.  He’s a 6’6” gingerballs that looks like he can sling it.  Tom Parish appears to be the #3 and Moses Alipate is regulated to absolutely wrecking buffets.

TRE’s Grade: Right now we’re at a C.  However, there is TREMENDOUS UPSIDE! 

Ge'Swan: Johnny Skip Pass isn't playing anymore. If Gray can complete 50-55% and stay healthy, we're winning 7 games. Shortell seems to be the real deal, but he's still pretty raw and isn't particularly well suited to this offense. I've always wanted to see  the Tossin' Tongan in there, but it looks like it's not meant to be.

Ge’Swan’s Grade: Going with an A- for this group, particularly for Gray. MarQueis Gray m-effers. MarQueis Gray.

RUNNING BACKS

Du’ane, Wright, Kirkwood

LaMonte and David Cobb

Break those arm tackles!

Ge’Swan: One senior (Du’ane Bennett), two redshirt freshmen (Lamonte Edwards and Donnell Kirkwood/Kirkland, who played last year, but was granted a medical hardship waiver) and two true freshmen (Devon Wright and David Cobb) comprise this year’s running back corps. With Ponce Deleon’s departure, the Gophers lost their leading rusher from 2010, but at 698 yards over 193 carries (3.6 ypc), it’s not like we have to replace Craig ‘Hooker Slayer’ James (UMADBRO?). There’s undoubtedly talent in this group; but given the youth, it’s hard to pin down exactly how much that talent will manifest itself on the field this year.

Bennett has the capability to be a serviceable B1G back and he showed flashes of brilliance in 2009, before snapping his ACL like a super, super important twig. I suspect he’ll be the bell cow of this crew, but with the propensity of this coaching staff to rotate RBs (henceforth referred to at the Bukkake Arrangement) over the course of the game, I’m not sure whether we can expect Bennett’s per-game average to be seven carries or 20 this year.

Kirkland just screams fatback to me, which is a compliment. We need a grinder who can push the pile for an extra yard in 3^rd and short situations. He’s had some issues with the Injury Reaper last year and this fall, but the coaches seem optimistic he’ll be available for the opener. Edwards also has the capacity to be a power back, but he runs much higher and, in my know-nothing opinion, has a much higher upside. Lest we forget, Justin Conzemius compared him to Adrian Peterson, so it’s not like he has any expectations to live up to. Bruh is strong, smart and fast, but is still learning what it takes to be a BCS-level RB. I expect he’ll see significant playing time this year, but we won’t see a major breakthrough until 2012. 

Of the pad-carrying, plebe true freshmen, David Cobb seems most likely to play. He looked solid in the fall scrimmage. Wright was heavily recruited out of high school, but sat out last year due to academic ineligibility. That’s all I have to say about these two. I only know what I see in games and, since they haven’t played, I clearly don’t know much. If you want a better breakdown of their respective talents, do a Google search or sign up for Rivals, you cheap, lazy effers.

Ge’Swan’s Grade: Overall, I give this group a B. Bennett should provide some stability and leadership, while the others learn the tricks of the trade and slowly begin to apply their considerable upside. Given the Bukkake Arrangement, I expect we’ll see most if not all of these dudes throughout the season.

TRE: You gave these guys a B?  Bwahahaaha!  I’m not even sure where to start here. You know what kind of running games throw a bunch of backs at you?  Crappy ones, that’s what.  Lamonte Edwards is the talent of the group.  Bennett is older, slower, brokener and more experienced at getting stopped in the backfield.  To say he is a serviceable running back in the Big Ten is akin to me saying that I could hold my own in the heavyweight division in the UFC (I’d die).  After watching the fall scrimmage, it looks like the zone read will be a big part of what the 2011 Gophers do.  This a play where the QB gets the snap in the pistol, takes a couple of steps toward his right and either hands off to the RB or keeps it himself and runs. In the scrimmage it resulted in some huge runs and some busted plays/semi-disasters.  It’s the Keystone Cops of running plays.  I look forward to cheering/throwing shit based on the varied results.

TRE’s Grade:  This group is a C-.  They have several young options with talent, but they’re completely unproven and Bennett is blocking their ascension. Their best runner is the QB for crying out loud.

Du’ane really wants

To hurt me, Du’ane really

Wants to make me cry

WIDE RECEIVERS

Bawse Dajon McKnight
A white speed receiver, too
No gator arms, please

Ge’Swan: I can sum up this review with the following: Dajon and a bunch of other dudes. McKnight had a big 2010 and has the look of a guy that could find himself playing on Sundays. Three factors will affect his output in 2011: 1) the health of his bad wheel, as he’s had some knee issues since spring ball; 2) Gray’s ability to consistently get him the rock and 3) the quality of receivers playing opposite him. Who the eff knows how any of those are going to shake out; but I’m going to concern myself with 3) since, you know, this is a preview of the WR position.

The depth chart for the USC game tells me that something named Malcom “X” Moltoun will be starting opposite McKnight. Having seen him in practice and at the scrimmage he looks the part. Fast, shifty and with the ability to catch in traffic he could be pretty productive. I, like many others, ultimately see Moltoun as a slot guy, though, where he’ll be splitting time with the uber-fast midget freshman, Marcus Jones. In 3-WR sets, we’ve heard the principal guy will be my namesake, Ge’Shun (GEEEE-shun, is the pronunciation, I guess) Harris. An All Name America guy, he seems to me a solid possession guy who can do the filthy blocking work on the edge and stalk block like a mutha.

Of note here is none of those three have actually caught a pass for the Gophers yet, so that’s exciting. I’d like to say we’ve just benched all of the receptions, but that would be a dirty lie. Truth be told, outside of Dajon, there are only about 45 receptions from the WR position on the whole roster. Brandon Green has shown flashes, but has the knees of Methuselah. Victor Kiese has looked pretty sharp in fall practice but, again, has approximately one career reception to his name. AJ Barker, also with one catch last year, is a WSR.  Since we’re too lazy to do a write up specifically for the TEs, I’m going to toss Eric Lair in here. He’s a beast and will get some looks come draft day next year. I suspect he’ll be one of Gray’s most frequent targets and will likely be the second to Dajon in productivity this year. He and McKnight being left off of that punk Adam Rittenburg’s top 25 players of the B1G is rapery of the highest order.

Ge’Swan’s Grade: B-. McKnight and Lair have the opportunity to be All B1G in their senior seasons, so they are greatly inflating this grade. Aside from that, there’s some potential, but no proven talent. Seems to be a theme here….

TRE:  It’s interesting that a crippled good WR and “a bunch of other dudes” equals B- for Ge’Swan.  This group is a huge question mark.  Combine a quarterback that has thrown a handful of passes with a bunch of WRs that haven’t caught any and there is bound to be some growing pains.  Lair is a badass though.  He kicks ass at the drill where you stand across from the other dude and ram into him and then you kind of just end up hugging each other and pumping your legs.  Yeah, it gets weird.  McGarry looks like a beast of a blocking tight end as well.   True freshman Marcus Jones is tiny (listed at 5’8”), but is fast as hell and could be a factor in the short passing game as the year goes on.

TRE’s Grade:  Going with a C here.  There are way too maybe question marks at this point to call the group anything but average.  The thing about all of these guys that don’t have experience is that none are highly touted or are coming in with a lot of hype.  Moulton is a 3 star JUCO transfer and that’s the most hype you’re going to get. 

OFFENSIVE LINE

Double knee braces

Knuckles taped, here comes the rush

Holding for dear life

TRE: There have been some pretty decent offensive lines in Gopher football history.  This year’s group has a fair amount of promise, especially the young guys..  They landed another Olson for this year, which is good.  Olson family, if you are reading this, keep doing the nasty and making linemen.  The starters according to my sources (the internet) are Ed Olson-Bunders-Wynn-Orton-Gjere.  All of these players save Gjere have had starting experience in the past, which is good I guess.   Some of the guys are pretty big and stuff.  Plus, check out Ryan Wynn's hairdo:

                                          Wynn must have some muppet blood in him.

TRE's Grade: C+ Hell, I don't know.

Ge'Swan: B+ for this All Twin Cities line. 'Nuff said. A lifetime of  Minnesota winters hos and Karkov vodka gives them the ornery attitude they'll need to crush the opposition. Hopefully the fine hos at the U haven't made ol' Jimmy G. soft.

Proceed to Part 2 (The Defense): http://www.stillgothope.com/2011/09/completely-uninformed-2011-gophers_02.html

Hunjover Twitterverse Recap 8.25.2011

HTR is the daily feature where we pull the most recent tweets with the #Gophers hashtag and provide absolutely no additional insight.

@GopherSports1Gopher Sports

Notre Dame picks Dayne Crist as starter at quarterbacktinyurl.com/432j74s #minnesota #gophers

This is relevant for my NCAA’12 non-dynasty games, when I pit the Gophers against Touchdown Jesus. I can now set the lineups appropriately. Outside of that it has no bearing on anything. Hashtag abuse, kids. There should be a hotline for this ish.

@StribSportsStar Tribune Sports

New @RandBall blog: Unnamed Broncos official says former #Gophers QB Adam Weber better than Tim Tebow. strib.mn/pHbYc7#StribSports

Props to A-Web for apparently beating out Tim Christ. I wasn’t much of a fan of Johnny Skip Pass, but the poor bastard had a lot working against him here. it’d be rad if he could get himself on the Broncos’ practice squad this year.

@GopherAthleticsMinnesota Gophers

In 1955, the #Gophers shocked ranked #USC in a big upset. Can they do it again in 10 days?youtu.be/RIpaYXlJdQs #CountdowntoUSC

Love the optimism here. I remember last year for the OSU game, they handed out those ‘A test against the best’ buttons as we walked into the stadium. I suspect the optimism in this tweet will be as futile as it was with the buttons. HOPE!

@LoyalBig10FansBig Ten News

Police take evidence from LSU QB Jordan Jefferson's apartment in connection with bar fight: ...bit.ly/nlLeqn #gophers #minnesota

Searching his dee-luxe apartment in the sky? Hope they don’t take Jordan’s piece of the pie. More hashtag abuse. This has as much to do with the Gophers as the imminent collapse of gold and AAPL prices.

@pmassmannPaul Massmann

Clearly the Twins have given up. Time to turn my focus to the #Gophers football season! Can't wait!!

Nice work, Paul. You stuck with them two months longer than I did. Hopefully you and I will show more perseverance with the Gophers this year when they inevitably hit a few bumps in the road.

Happy Birthday, GopherMoses

(No irreverence intended here, but the allegory is just too sweet to pass up. Plus that pic is BA. I'd like to see the team's other Moses, the Tossin' Tongan, wield a staff like that. I bet that thing attacks at 2d4.)

Happy birthday, Coach KILL. Your arrival after the plagues of Brewster and Cosgrove and dedication to lead us out of the CFB desert after 44 years of penury are appreciated by all lovers of maroon and gold.

Hunjover Twitterverse Recap 8.24.2011

So, I guess we’re supposed to do something every day to keep readers engaged. Who knew? Anyway, here’s the first installment of the Hunjover Twitterverse Recap, summarizing the last five tweets from whenever we put this together that have a Gophers hashtag. It’s the least we can do, so we’re doing it.

@1500ESPN1500 ESPN TwinCities

Jerry Kill defends MarQueis Gray's accuracy: 'He is in the grind days' #Gophers (via the 1500 ESPN SportsWire)1500espn.com/sportswire/Jer…

Oh, we’re not actually reading any of the links, so don’t expect more than a cursory recap. Looks like KILL is trying to calm the fears that Gray has a baby arm. And an inaccurate one at that.

@DerrtyGopher12Dustin B

University of Minnesota marching band welcomes in the new rookies tomorrow! #prideofminnesota #gophers @TheUMMB. Proud to be an alum.

Fellow teamMNdrunj member letting us know the band is getting back together. Hopefully there will be no Badger-styled hazing. If I had ever belonged to anything, I’d pimp it like mad too.

@Platypus_92Jose

#Gophers #Creepersoccermoms #FBannoyances #Swoop #Bushes #Obsessedbf #patience #friends

This John Nash-like collection of hashtags makes my face hurt. We wish Jose well.

@LoyalBig10FansBig Ten News

New U President Eric Kaler: Q & A: Minneapolis Star-Tribune » The University of Minnesota's ...bit.ly/q0RYCs #gophers #minnesota

Prexy K giving interviews, apparently. All the while, not firing BADger Joel Macturi. Copyright, Wren.

@notch17Will

That's some funny shit. Learn that your one year w/the #Gophers? RT @KrisHumphries: "@scottdisick follow me back or I will kidnap Mason lol"

Someone responding with something to Kris Kardashian going on about something. Kidnapping or something. #gophers

Gopher Widows - Life Ain't So Bad

So, believe it or not, we have lady friends. Like, actual women that want to be with us without charging a fee. They have taken to calling themselves "Gopher Widows" due to our commitment to Gopher football.  In our opinion, they have it pretty easy. It's not like we're Nebraska fans. We don't travel to every single game and treat each one like it was the Super Bowl (but it's badass that they do). As our first joint post, we'd like to illustrate how they don’t have it so rough. Here's a list of ten reasons why being a Gopher Widow is preferable to most other teams. May they never, ever read it.

1. No demand for Gopher athletic gear. Therefore, it's on sale quite a bit at traditional outlets and, truthfully, a bro could outfit himself exclusively from Mill’s Fleet Farm (they must get that ish on the cheap as a bonus for being the sole distributor of Rustler jeans). And you can pick up a sweet, non-ironic trucker hat. Gopher Widow Benefit: Jing in the bank.
2. Maroon and gold colors aren't that bad. We could be Oregon fans, for chrissakes, and all of our clothes would be the color of a lanced boil. Plus, if maroon and gold are good enough for the Song Girlz, they’re good enough for us. Gopher Widow Benefit: Tastefully attired menfolk.
3. We usually stop watching away games by halftime when we're down 30. This isn’t entirely true. We stay engaged until the bitter, bitter end. But we are capable of paying the Widows a modicum of attention when we’re not clubbing baby seals as a sacrifice to Jo-bu for an 80-yard Stoudermire kickoff return. Gopher Widow Benefit: More game-day cuddle time.
4. Too embarrassed to follow the team on road games. Again, not entirely true. But supporting a team with minimal success over the last 50 years doesn’t lend itself well to rolling into Iowa City or Anne Arbor and throwing out SWAGGERBOMBZ What’s the fun in that? Gopher Widow Benefit: More weekends available for household chores.
5. No bowl games to worry about. We could be dropping a stack or two a year heading to Pasadena or Florida to see the Gophers in major bowl games. Suffice it to say, we’re not doing that; this leaves a lot more money to feed the kids, pay the rent and get our Amway distributorship up and running. Double Diamond, beeetches! Gopher Widow Benefit: Can take non-football related vacations. Amway.
6. "Rivalries" are all one-sided, so there's no danger of getting in fights with opposing fans. To paraphrase King Fabulous, not all of us will shoot, but all of us will thump. This isn’t a factor, though, since our rivals mostly look at us like that one dog that doesn’t have front legs, so he hops around everywhere: a nice, cute story; but totally harmless. Most opposing fans just look at our passion with pity. Gopher Widow Benefit: No late-night calls to bail menfolk out of the clink.
7. Post game drinking is usually to drown our sorrows, so it's not like we're up all night partying. Losing to OSU by 40 isn’t exactly conducive to heading to the nearest VIP room, popping bottles of Cris and snorting blow from the ass crack of a stripper. No, we go to our respective homes, turn the lights off and cry while finding comfort in the sweet embrace of the one thing that will never leave us: bourbon. Gopher Widow Benefit: No $22,000 bar tabs, cocaine addiction or glitter on clothes.
8. Goldy. He’s cute. We could support MSU or Purdue and have effing Sparty or that creepy dude with the plastic hammer. Plus homeboy wins national championships in whatever it is that mascots compete with each other in. You’ve got it good here, ladies. Gopher Widow Benefit: Clothing with mascot that doesn’t look like a muscle-bound pedophile.
9. Pantherhawk hates the Gophers: This is undoubtedly an indirect benefit, but has to be mentioned. When a light-saber-wielding, Arby’s-loving, never-felt-the-touch-of-a-woman douchespray has made it his life’s mission to disparage a team, support of said team is necessarily a good thing and benefit to all. Gopher Widow Benefit: Helping humanity oppose that vile bugger.
10. We have an extra ticket. In the event we ever contend for something meaningful, the Widows will have first crack at the extra ticket we have in our group. They may limit the drunjfun to some extent, but the $500 per game they’ll be paying us for the ticket is just as good as some random bro from StubHub. Gopher Widow Benefit: Open seat on the bandwagon.

Where Are They Now According To Google? Tutu Atwell

This is the first of a series on former Gopher athletes and what they're up to now based on approximately 7 minutes of internet research.

Tutu Atwell played wide receiver for the Gophers from 1994-1997.  In 45 games he amassed 171 catches for 2640 yards.  Check out how sick he looks in this photo here:

Tutu was a favorite of mine. Which led me to start the WATNATG series. So, without further ado, let's see what he's up to.

Right off the bat we get a few pieces of juicy information.  According to LostLettermen.com, Tutu's full name is Chatarius "Tutu" Atwell.  Chatarius is such a bad ass name that it looks like Tutu named his son Chatarius Atwell Jr.  But wait, what's this?  LostLettermen indicates Tutu's son is named "Chartarius".  Now I'm lost.  I don't know a lot of Chatarii, so I can't tell if the "r" should be there or not.  After googling both Chatarius and Chartarius I come to the conclusion that there is no bonus "r".  Phew - mystery solved!  Anyway, according to LL.com, his son plays football and runs track like a god-damned deer. 

Tutu had a cup of coffee with the Detroit Lions in 1998, but since the Lions are known for making horrible personnel decisions, they cut him loose. 

In 2008, as a 9 year old, Chatarius Jr. ran 200 meters in 34.05 seconds.  Sounds pretty fast I guess. 

Tutu has a player page on ESPN saying he was a member of the Colts.  It's completely devoid of information.  Weird.

Other than that, it appears Tutu has disappeared off the face of the earth.  Hopefully the guy is ok.  Tutu, holla at your boy!

-TRE

'Sup. Welcome.

So, this is the post where we talk a little about ourselves and why we’ve decided to write this blog. To hell with that. Here’s what you need to know: we’re a couple of drunks who support Gopher sports. And by that, I mean football and basketball. No disrespect to the other sports, but they occasionally win shit. This site is about needing to find solace in a bottle of bourbon due to the perpetual shortcomings of 18-23 year-old dudes. Is that diseased? Yeah, but there’s no cure for this shit.

Anyway, here’s what you can expect from us until we get bored and go back to the interpr0ns:

1. Absolutely uninformed takes -  You want the latest news on the Gophers? Go someplace else. This is a blog from a couple of dudes who are absolute zeros with respect to journalistic standards and connections to the program. This is an opinion site and you should take it for what it’s worth.  Fringebowlteamblog.com and thedailygopher.com will keep you up to speed on all the real news.
2. Differing opinions – I’m the optimist here. TRE is the realist. TRE will give you the same boring shtick week after week while I ride the roller coaster of optimism and despair.  We share unholy love for the Gophers, but our grounding in reality is at opposite ends of the spectrum. Chances are, you fall somewhere in between.
3. Drunken idiocy – We drink. We post. Expect pics from tailgating extolling our excellence at giant Jenga and cornhole. We are Big Ten tailgaters, after all. Additionally, we sit in the third row of the lower level of the visitor’s section in The Bank and routinely mock and ridicule the opposing team’s mascot. We will share and celebrate this buffoonery, despite the condemnations of Mark Rosen and Dan Barreiro.
4. Rick Ross – Dude is a big’n, but we love him. He wheezes through every rap in which I’ve heard him, but he’s got a choppa in the car, so he’s beautiful in our minds. TRE insists he could take him in a fight, which is absurd, because ROSS is a former prison guard. You can’t fight a screw, TRE!
5. Other shit – Remember, we’re drunks, so other random topics will come up from time to time. Food is key, since I need it to live out my dream of having the fire department bust through a wall in my house to haul me out with a forklift after I become fused to my couch. Politics and religion will both be avoided, since both are uber lame. I pray to sweet Christ and President Obama when the Gophers are trying to hold a lead against Iowa with 2.30 left in the 4^th; but outside of that, what the fuck is the point of digging deeper? Drink and ignore is our credo.

So, that’s it for introductions.  Hope springs eternal here. Expect lots of happiness if the Gophers win and suicidal tendencies, at least from me, if the Gophers lose. Just remember: it’s a great start to the football season when I’ll need a sobercab to take me to a meaningless football scrimmage tomorrow morning.

Pump  ya fist!