Saturday, February 25, 2012

Dunjpost 2 - 187 Days 'til UNLV


Wasted. Love you all. Don't give an eff if you love me or not, because I'm druuuuuuuuuuuunk!

Anyway, let's talk about Gopher hoop. What an effing shitshow. I had a big work event on Thursday and was nervous as eff on Wednesday night. When I got home from work before the game I thought, "Well, Frothy, you should have eight bourbons and a Xanax or 12 to calm yourself down. Plus you can watch the Gopher hoop game." Well, I did that. I was expecting a loss and then those filthy effs gave me hope. I knew it would end poorly, but I poured the hope down as easy as the 45-proof evilness was flowing. Sure enough, that clownshoe proved all the naysayers 100% right: OTS is a fucking shitshow of a coach. Oh, you're winning with four minutes left? What if I told you you had approximately zero meaningful shots for the remainder of the game? What if I told you your offense would be comprised of throwing the ball to the dudes in green jerseys and shitting out of your mouth? Exactly, it would probably mean you were pissing down your leg and being a giant effing vagrocket.

There's simply no excuse for what happened on Wednesday night. It shat all over my attempted relaxing evening and spat bloody sputum over Gopherdom. You're playing the #6 team in the country? Then either play them like men or die fast. The Gophers did neither. For 33 minutes, they looked like the superior team. The Gophers played great defense, hit the shots they should make, and were opportunistic with additional scoring chances (particularly the times they were fouled beyond the three-point line). For the last seven, they looked like lambs waiting for the screwgun. That's on Tubbi. Sure, the team is young, but it's Tubbi's team. No one but Tubbi recruited the guards who passed the ball directly to the dudes in green. No one but Tubbi recruited the forwards who won the rebounding battle but failed during winning time. No one but Tubbi recruited the sad sack that is Ralph Sampson the Third, whose principal contribution this season has been his sulky face on the bench. Male models, beware; RS3.0 is setting a new standard.

Tubbi can't be fired after this season because the Gophers have no AD. Those who suggest the U will make a move after this season are unaware of the facts. The new AD will have a difficult and immediate decision to make: fire Tubbi or extend his contract for a few years? It's tough to fire a coach of Tubbi's pedigree, but it's tough to retain a man who has won less than 40% of his B1G games. Fortunately, I stay too drunk to really care. I'll be here even if Diamond Dave is the coach, you guys.

Thursday, February 9, 2012

One Knob's Live Observations During Badger/Gopher Hoops

Let's get right to it.

Wisconsin hits their first two threes.  Gopher perimeter defense shining as per the norm.  Announcer-guy mentions Jared Berggren is from MN...we didn't need him.

Ralph Sampson misses his sky-scrape 15 footer.  Hate him. 

14:28 - Tubby Brings in a new 5, the other 5 blows. 13-8, Honey-free Badgers.

12:30 - The Barn is making noise...spirits not yet crushed.  My 2 year old is eating all of my wasabi soy almonds.  What a jerk.

Welch for 3, 10-1 run!  16-14 Gophers!  Taylor answers with a 3, wah wah.  90% of the time the team that hits more threes will beat the other team at least 50% of the time.

Announcer uses "frenetic pace"...weird.  We are on pace for the over I guess. (Sorry Dr. Detroit)

Sampson at the top of the key where he does the most damage...he throws a hi-low rocket pass under the basket to no one out-of-bounds. 17-16 7:44 left in the first half.

Gophers going with a trap/everyone guard one dude defense: 19-16

Sampson blocked by two Sconnies, but somehow earns the foul call. After he hits both free throws it's 22-18, WI.


ESPN's scroll says that Nick Diaz loves the Mary Jane so much that he tested positive before his last fight against Carlos Condit.

6-8 from 3 for Wisconsin.  #headshot

2:33 in the half with Wisconsin up 5.  Gophers need to keep this to 5 or less; NO MORE 3s!

Another 3 for Taylor...he has 4 and it's an 8 point lead.

Going to need to magically put the kid to bed during half-time.  Think pit crew...then think bourbon.

Flat top Evans with an easy put-back 32-24.

Sick flat top, bro.
Final possession of the half goes to the Gophers.  Tubby calls for the ol' Chip-Armelin-dribble-in-place-until-5-secs-left-then-heave-a-rainbow-17-footer-that-barely-scrapes-the front-of-the-rim play.  At the half 32-24, stinkholes.

Ok, I was late coming back and I'm too lazy to rewind.  Gophers are down 11 with 14:00+.  Eliason makes a nice basket inside but misses the and-1 free throw.  42-33, team that steals Minnesota guys since their in-state players blow.

12:22 left 45-33, Taylor has 20 of the 45 points.  Sheesh.

Gophers look dead already...a few silly turnovers of late.  Of course, we've all been here before.  What will happen is the Gophers will go on a run and make you think they might make it a game, then they'll abruptly fold up like a pup tent.  Let's watch it happen!

Nice drive by Rodney Williams and he makes the tough layup and earns the foul on Berggren.  The free-throw cuts it to 9 despite ESPN actually giving the point to Wisconsin on the on-screen graphic.  Rodney has 12 on 5-9 shooting.  The bourbon tastes wonderful, I hope to sweet baby jesus my kid stays asleep all night. (CPS>hi!)

oo oo <--wheels                            wagon--> |___|   49-36

DRE Hollins with a nice 3 with the Gophs running the "chicken with it's head cut off" offense.  Down 10 and 8:26 remains. Gophers get a stop, Welch gets a lay-in and the Gophers close to 8!

7:41 Ever notice Jordan Taylor laughs at everything like he's playing the entire game on E?  Yeah, me neither.

Your hands feel AMAZING on my body!
Chicken with it's head cut off is no longer working.  6:33 left 51-42.  Berggren totally travels in the lane, but the refs miss it.  The crowd goes nutso, so a ref calls 3 seconds in the lane.  #makeup  Sadly, the Gophers do not take advantage.

5:00 left and Williams gets a layup to cut it to 7.  Crowd is boisterous. #soulcrushcoming  Announcer says Rodney should work on his jumper in the off-season, but then never use it during the season?  Stick with what you have and don't use the skills you've improved I guess?  DRE cuts it to 5 after a charge call on Happy Taylor.

3:34 left, 51-46 Badgers.  Bo Ryan's lip curls into a sneer and his horn scabs throb on his forehead as he calls timeout.  Out of the timeout the Badgers run some clock and let Taylor work one on one.  He nearly turns it over and there's a jump ball; unfortunately the ball goes back to Iowa Northeast. 

I never thought the Rock was a serious actor, but what's with all of the kiddie movies?  This latest one might be worse than the one wear he wears a tu-tu.

Take me seriously!
3:00 and Gopher ball after a long, contested miss for the Badgers.  CWiHCO offense in play again and Hollins hits another miracle 3 from the top of the key.  Gophers down 2! #pleasenosoulcrush

2:00 left and Taylor rises up for a contested 3 which is partially blocked.  Eliason has a chance to save, but throws it to Bo Ryan.  WE'RE PLAYING DEFENSE!  Another contested shot on Taylor.  Rebound is tipped out of bounds.  51-49, gophers ball with 1:12 remaining.

Hollins gets the ball and drives baseline like a boss and gets the foul.  Announcer tries to jinx him by announcing his 86% FT rate.  TIE GAME after two clutch free throws. #omgomgomgomgomg

Under a minute to play, Badger ball.  #needanewdrink Berggren brick, Gopher ball with 28.6 and a chance to WIN.

Dre Hollins airballs a tough shot in the lane; other Hollins gets rebound and a fading 20' misses.  Overtime.  #soulsuck

Pretty sloppy to begin the OT by both sides.  53-51, Badgers after two missed FTs by Rodney.  Announcer guy hates on him some more.  Flat-top gets a bucket inside to send Badgers up 4.  #dead

2:09 left, Gophers still shitting the bed.  Welp.  Then, Armelame happens.

1:37 Badgers at the line for a 1 and 1.  Evans makes both...Gophers down 6.  Barn: dead. 

Courtesy of @MVofDT
ESPN goes split-screen with one minute left and Gophers down 4.  YES!  Gophers do that thing where they let 18 seconds go off the shot clock before Ralph lumbers into a dude for the foul.  YES!  Berggren turns his back on the entire state by making both free throws. YES!  61-55 with who cares how much time left.  The Barn plays LET ME CLEAR MY THROAT!  #sotopical

63-58, 20 seconds of misery remain.  I warned you.

65-58, 10 seconds left and they're still fouling?  Bring in Reggie Miller...

67-61 after another Andre Hollins 3...maybe this guy should shoot more?

FINAL: 68-61

Friday, February 3, 2012

Wasted Post #1 - 216 Days 'til UNLV

Why not post when I'm butt-ass wasted on the drank? Exactly.

So, Maturi is out. I'm pretty happy about that, if we're keeping it real. I've met him a few times and he seems like a decent dude; but if there were gladiator contests between the greatest ADs in the land, he would have been a Christian fed to the lions to entertain the great unwashed before the actual gladiators did battle. He was polite and demure. Demure and polite. He would have made an excellent virgin for a rabid, battle-tested prince. But as someone in the position to represent the U, he did about what one would expect: he left a fat steaming steamer right on our nippled chests.

At any rate, he gone and we should be prepared to move on. One of the great Twitter exchanges of our time came about today when some of the sodomites in the Twin Cities declared that Glen Fuck Stick Mason should be Maturi's replacement. Glen Fucking Mason? Come the fuck on. That guy couldn't have cared less about the football team, let alone the entire athletic department for the last three years of his tenure. After his lifelong dreams were shattered when Sweater Vest took over tOSU he was the equivalent of an animated corpse in the head coaching position; and now batshit fools want to promote him to AD. I Love Jesus Christ people, the guy took an abject disaster of a program and raised it to mediocrity and now we want to mae him the Barry Alvarez of Minnesota? Anyone who believes that is the right move should either a) quit reading right now or b) off themselves with Drano right this effing second. Die in the most painful possible flames. The dude sucks ass. Look at his self-aggrandizing tweets, for the love of his Holiness the Pope. Glen loves him some Glen. Hope off the bandwagon, shut the eff up and let a real AD assume the position to do battle.

So, I'm on to bourbon #6 and I feel like I have one more topic in me before I hit the quit wall. This one is on Gopher basketball. I just can't handle the inconsistency. How can we beat Indiana (albeit an inconsistent Indiana) and get swept by Iowa? Now, Iowa isn't as bad as they have been over the last 20 years, but still; they are an imminently beatable team. Yes, we're young. Yes, Mbakwe's injury has permanently cast a pall on this team. But I can't stand that this team gets it for ten-minute stretches of games and then completely loses it in others. That, to me, is coaching. When I heard a rumor today that Tubbay may be headed to LSU, I thought about it for a moment and then wished him well. Could we get someone better? It depends on what we mean. Can we get someone with as strong a pedigree? Nah, pedigrees don't come much stronger than OTS. Could we find someone with a greater upside? Fasho, but there's more risk involved there too. I think Tubby is secure for this year, but the next AD will demand success in the 2012-2013 season. A shocking, SHOCKING proposition, I know. We won't move on him until a new AD is hired and a new AD a'int gone shitcan Tubby Effing Smiff. That's all this guy knows. We'll haz to wait until 2013 for any movement on that end and, with the hopez, we'll be hoisting bannerz like teh mkjkdjksd.