Tuesday, October 31, 2017

So, You've Lost Your QB 50 Days before NSD

Hi, Everyone! Y'all have a good night?

I was in training and mostly away from the 'tronz between six and nine last night and emerged to hear the Gopher program had imploded and we were selling off the stadium for scrap to Chadian brick dealers. After looking into it a bit, I learned that was because we lost a dude who wasn't even on the team yet. That's kind of odd, isn't it?

Yes, losing your quarterback 50-some days before National Signing Day isn't ideal. Some might even say that it's a bit of a Royale Poop with Cheese. But, Jesus in mango habenero sauce, people, it's not the damned end of the world.

QB's Out (Demry's Song)

The following parody is sung to the tune of Billy Joel's "Movin' Up (Anthony's Song)." If you aren't an old an you need a frame of reference, you can find the original song on YouTube.

"QB's Out (Demry's Song)"

Dem-ry plays as at football thrower
Savin’ his good throws for someday
Mama Heather left a note on the door
She said, Demry don’t dare get too comfy
Waitin’ too long will get you sack sack ack ack ack ack ack acked

You oughta know by now (You oughta know by now)

If you don’t throw you will just get sacked
But is that going to get you the money?

But he always takes too much time
He just can’t get the ball out
Demry just speed it up
Or juuuuust throw it out

Just throw it out

Coach PJ Fleck is always upbeat
But today he’d like to go on a bender
He works at Gibson/Nagurski just north of 5th street
Watching the Guards and the Centers
But all he wants is a quarterback back back back back back back back

Which he should have had by now (He should have had by now)

He’s got more than he needs
In a Running Back
With Shannon & Rodney & Kobe

Friday, October 27, 2017

I Want to Win Tomorrow

While the season hasn't been a complete trash panda, it's becoming more difficult for me to look at the remainder of the schedule with much optimism. Of the remaining five games, we'll probably be favored in only one, Nebraska, slight dogs against the Nerds, while being touchdown-plus undies against Michigan, Wisconsin and tomorrow's game against Iowa.

That makes it close to a 50-50 proposition as to whether we'll get bowl eligible. I've always sort of considered that the baseline for an acceptable season. Yeah, I know we should aspire to more blah, blah, blah and I do, which is why I'm glad we canned Claeys and hired Fleck. But, man, those 15 extra practices you get for becoming bowl eligible are important as hell, especially at this point in the program with a new coaching staff and so much youth.

Thursday, October 26, 2017

Taken All Wrong Podcast: Iowa Week

In this week's TAWPod, we're able to keep Matt but lose JD to the ether instead, I date myself by making a reference to Gallagher and we discuss whether Kobe is the best running back on the team right now.

Enjoy! 


A Brief History of Kirk Ferentz: President of B1G Coaches

As the longest-tenured currently-serving head coach in the Big Ten, we at Still Got Hope thought you'd appreciate a quick primer on Kirk Ferentz: who he is and how he came to be Iwoa's head football coach for the last 18 seasons. Our Gopher coaches never last that long, after all, so it was with wistful hearts that our crack research team put together this biopic. 

In essence, we wanted to understand how he'd managed to eke out such a successful career at a place as difficult to win as Minnesota. Much of it was what you'd expect - a good football mind, tenacity, a willingness to punt regardless of down, distance and field position - but we found other parts of his journey with the Hawkeyes surprising.

Without further ado, our #Hateweek special, an ode to Kirk Ferentz, President of B1G Coaches for life.

Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Why We Should All Pump The Brakes on Demry Croft

It’s a tale as old as time: the Minnesota fan base calling for a replacement QB.

The old joke is that the most popular player on a Minnesota football team is the backup QB. 

Gopher fans, Viking fans, I’m guessing Minnesota State Mavericks (is that what they’re called?) and UMD Bulldog fans are all about the same in this regard.

Last season we heard constant refrains of wanting to see Demry Croft on the field when Mitch Leidner was performing below standards. And this season, when Connor Rhoda was the lone QB under center for three games as Demry Croft served some sort of suspension, the entire fanbase pined for a change.

And it really doesn’t much matter who the change would bring. Get Demry off of suspension? Great. Seth Green? Bring it on. Tanner Morgan? Sure, why the hell not?!?! Heck, let’s throw Mark Williams out there while we’re at it. 

The screaming for a QB change in 2017 proves two very important things: 
1) The QB cupboard was pretty lacking when Fleck and Company came to Minneapolis.
2) As a fanbase we are NOT big picture thinkers.

But, all the same, halfway through a rainy Michigan State game which saw the Gophers unable to do anything meaningful on offense, sometime between me wishing I had worn rain pants and heading to the beer tent to try to continue the numbing process of my wet derriere, Demry Croft took the ball from Connor Rhoda.

What happened was magical. 

Tuesday, October 24, 2017

Remembering Jojo Garcia

Credit: Carlos Gonzales, Minneapolis Star Tribune
We learned yesterday that former 2016 Gophers football commit Jojo Garcia took his own life on Monday. Jojo was a favorite recruit of many of us fans, as we paired him up with fellow in-state commit Carter Coughlin to form 'CC and Jojo,' a play off the late-90s R&B duet, 'K-Ci and JoJo.' He was a highly-rated defensive tackle, who attended Cretin Durham Hall, East Ridge and Simley. He never wore the Maroon and Gold, as he decommitted shortly after Jerry Kill retired as Minnesota's head coach, later deciding to play for Iowa Western University in Council Bluffs. He was 19.

That he never played for the Gophers does not lessen my sorrow at his death. I didn't know him beyond following his recruitment on the Gopher boards. I was excited to have him on the team, but had no insight into his life off of the football field. Regardless of the connection, though, losing someone to suicide, particularly at such a young age, is a tragedy. It's worthy of a short post highlighting the risks, particularly for young men.

Suicide rates in the U.S. between the ages of 15 to 24 are 11.6 per 100,000, second only to those over the age of 65, which are at 16.6 per 100,000. The risk of suicide is higher for male youth than females. The reasons behind the gender disparity are myriad; but there is a stigma associated with male depression - one of weakness and an inability to control one's own life - that promotes feelings of hopelessness in way that is particularly damaging to the male psyche. 

I say all this to let readers in a state of depression or readers who are friends or family members of someone with depression to know that they are not alone in their situation. That there are resources available from traditional counseling, to medication, to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (1-800-273-8255 - available 24/7). That regardless of how you feel, you are a good person, worthy of love and there is a positive way out of your situation.

I'm available @StillGotHope1 if any of you want to chat at (mostly) any time. We may not know each other IRL, but I am here to help if you need it. That's how I'm choosing to remember Jojo today.

9-Win Season Sets An Attendance Record!!!

There are people in the Gopher fan base who would have you believe that 2016 was the pinnacle of Gopher football, and that the previous coaching staff should have been retained for winning 9 games alone.

The refrain of "DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES THIS TEAM HAS WON 9 GAMES...." has been blasted all over the Gopherwebs. We've talked plenty about the issues with that 9 win season: a historically easy schedule, a team lacking discipline, a team whose academics were declining, recruiting that could cripple the program for years if it wasn't immediately fixed, etc.

Lawdamighty how depressing. Seriously, who knew a 9 win season could be completely joyless?

And that's what football games in 2016 felt like. If you attended a football game at The Bank in 2016, you know that the atmosphere was... lacking. There was no atmosphere. The place was a morgue. It was sad.

One that hasn't been mentioned as much is fan attendance.

Boy, a 9-win season must have really gotten the fans out in droves, right? Imagine the excitement! The thrill! The chance to play for a big time bowl game!

I wish there were a way we could look at a chart that plotted out attendance by game last year. I bet it's just a skyrocket going UP AND TO THE RIGHT!!!!

Oh man, and since that season was so historically significant, I bet it would be fun to look at it in comparison to previous seasons too. I bet the fan engagement was just magical.

WE DID IT!

Phew! Spared from the ignominy of a winless B1G campaign! Things were looking dicey there for a while, and I found my eyes occasionally drifting to the top of TCF Bank Stadium and running some calculations about whether eight stories at 9.8m/s^2 provides a lethal dose of sidewalk. Thanks to THE CELESTINE PROPHECY, though, I can file that nugget of info away for later use, probably the Wisconsin game.

I guess Croft ain't the answer, eh? Dude looked like a back-up dancer for Beyonce, hopping around in the pocket every time he dropped to pass. He seemed so poised against MSU, feeling pressure and escaping to make a solid decision. That was nowhere to be found this week, which was rife with bad decisions and seemingly less confidence in the pocket than Rhoda Boat. 

Friday, October 20, 2017

The Halfway Point

Apologies for no content yesterday. Occasionally dude's gotta get some work done, since the $0.21 in monthly revenue provided by this site doesn't support my Camo Silver Ice habit. My episode of Intervention will be second only to my buddy Allison, the duster huffer.



Anyway, we're now past the halfway point in the season at 3-3 and totally defeated in conference play. Huzzah! I wasn't expecting a division title or anything this season, but, rightly or wrongly, I figured we'd be, at worst, 6-1 or 5-2 after the first seven, after which shit gets a lot more serious. Losses to both Maryland and a Purdue hadn't really entered the realm of the possible for me, but, such is the life we're married to with this team.

Wednesday, October 18, 2017

Taken All Wrong Podcast: Illinois Week

On this week's Taken All Wrong Podcast, we talk about all the moral victories from the Michigan State game, whether we think Croft is the guy going forward, take some, uh, odd listener questions from the Twitterz and Matt gives us all an experience of what hallucinogenic drugs from the year 2076 will be like.

Enjoy!


The Forever War: Standers v. Sitters/Security

“A frustrating aspect of being a Gopher football season ticket holder is the lack of consistent atmosphere during football games. The student section is rowdy, but the rest of the stadium often sits on their hands and reserves their energy and passion for big 3rd downs in a close game. That is why this past Saturday during the MSU game I was pleasantly surprised to find my section, 105 rows 1 through 15, on their feet, making noise throughout the first quarter. Maybe it was the rain-soaked bleachers driving people to their feet, but fans were great. Then, sometime early in the 2nd quarter, two security officers came down to section 105 and started commanding people sit. When security received pushback from fans the officers said, “People behind you can’t see.” It immediately killed the vibe of the section. Some didn’t listen. Some, including my buddy I was sitting with, left the game in disbelief. Regardless, it killed the atmosphere. Now I understand the person who stands up the entire game for no reason while everyone else is sitting can be annoying, but this was a close game, a lot of people were cheering bringing needed energy to the game and it was muzzled by some crusty fans who couldn’t see. Again, unbelievable.”

I got this note from a reader (it’s always good to know there’s at least one) earlier this week and, while it didn’t surprise me in the least, it made me angry. I’ve written a bit on the game atmosphere, particularly around the fan’s and university’s culpability in how much it sucks. But experiences such as the above will kill any hope of ever establishing the loud, intimidating conditions the team needs to achieve what we all want it to.

2017-18 Timberwolves Preview

Do you know how the google search algorithm works?  Me neither.

How about how it works in the Ukraine? No?  Probably even more complicated though.

Somewhere in the dark recesses of said algorithm there is a search that points Ukrainian Googlers (www.google.com.ua) to one particular post on this blog.  That of course is the Timberwolves 2011-12 preview.  On a blog that is primarily focuses on Gopher football, this post reigns supreme due to our friends overseas.  In fact, looking at the stats there are Ukrainian readers on the site right now.

Since no one reads non-Gopher posts and we no longer have the great Nikola Pekovic, I expect this will be hard to duplicate with this preview.  BTW, don't go back and read that one because I was sooooo wrongly optimistic.  Do read this one, because we are playoff bound, my friends; and it will be a fun ride!

Tuesday, October 17, 2017

The Virus Among Us

Computer viruses are the worst. 

I used to fancy myself kind of a tech nerd. Back in the old days, when most of you were just zygotes, I used to do some programming in BASIC on the old Commodore 64 and was pretty comfortable taking a computer apart and putting it back together again. I knew all the latest hardware and took great joy in embarrassing the Best Buy/Circuit City employees with “WELL, ACTUALLY” when they tried to help my parents find a new computer.

Monday, October 16, 2017

Moral Victories Don't Count, but We're Totally Counting Them

Today, guest poster, f-list Twitter famous guy and Friend of the Blog Matt O'Connell weighs in on how we lost, but didn't really lose, Saturday's game against Michigan State.

Enjoy!
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“Take your fucking moral victory and shove it up your fucking ass, you fucking fucker”- Long time BYU head coach LaVell Edwards


Like Edwards, P.J. Fleck does not believe in moral victories, he made that clear with Gaardsie in the postgame interview.  While I row the boat, I also have a Nekton mentality which means sometimes you have to go your own way, go your own wayyy. ($1 to Fleetwood Mac).  I don’t love the idea of the moral victory, but when you are deep in Year Zero and dealing with lots of youth, inexperience, and injuries you need those bench marks become important. 

This One's For Progress

As a fan, it’s easy to look at a game like Michigan State and be frustrated. We played three quarters of absolute shit football. We waited through a weather delay before the game even started. A cold rain fell the whole time, and the wind was sharp. It was enough to make even the most passionate of diehards leave early. But you know what? I had FUN. As I was sitting there at halftime shivering and looking out over the stadium, I took a few moments to reflect on how far we’ve come and how far we still have to go. This post is not for the naysayers, the people who sullenly refuse to Row The Boat, or the negative nellies screaming about PJ Fleck’s salary. This post is for the fans who understand how progress works and believe we’re making it.

Two Minute Hope: BJ from Northeast

Pete from St. Louis County seems to have touched a nerve with a few of our six readers. I got a lot of feedback from people who either thought he was a crackpot or that I needed to adopt more of his perspective on the site or just shut it down.

One of the more, uh, fanatical responses I got was from reader 'BJ from Northeast' (unsure if that's Northeast Minneapolis, Northeast Minnesota or what). He goes at Pete pretty hard on his attacks on Fleck/support of Claeys. 

It gets a little political so, please, readers/listeners: let's stick to Gopher sports on here going forward, like all the other Gopher sites.

Enjoy!

LISTEN HERE

Sunday, October 15, 2017

1/1/20

We'll get to yesterday's game in a few pieces later this week. Given the fact we're currently the opposite of undefeated in conference play, though, I thought it might be fun to talk a little bit about what the kids are now calling #2019itty.

I try to savor every day during college football season, particularly Gopher games. Further, I've spent my entire life pining after next season once the current season implodes - so I recognize looking two full seasons ahead might be a bridge of escapism too far. In fact, I completely agree with that assessment. It's totally absurd.

BUT HAVE YOU SEEN THAT SCHEDULE?! Holy shit, people.

Friday, October 13, 2017

You Too Can Row The Boat!

If you follow me on Twitter or have heard the Taken All Wrong podcast, you know that I’m currently preaching patience with the Gophers.

Of course, I’m not thrilled to have to trudge through a season that looks like it could cause cirrhosis of the liver, and as a fan base we’ve certainly endured more than our fair share of rebuilds. But for once in our lives, the University of Minnesota made a commitment to football by going out and getting, arguably, the hottest up and coming coach they could get.

Fine, you liked Coach Claeys and you don’t think he did anything wrong and OMG 9-WINS RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE. The previous staff did a great job cleaning up the program, but like the Russians and the Miracle On Ice, their time is over.

Is PJ Fleck going to be a success at Minnesota? I can’t say for sure, but he’s got a better shot to do something #special as a Gopher head coach than any of the other available options when he was hired last January.

I’ve said plenty about why I think you should be patient and join in Rowing The Boat, and I’ve given some specific examples of when I have enjoyed rowing the boat. Today I’d like to talk in broader terms.
So here are some practical ways you can Row The Boat.

Keep Going to Games: Some out there believe that Fleck makes a practice of sacrificing upperclassmen in favor of playing younger players so that they can gain experience. In the internet age you can find something to support any trumped-up theory you’ve come up with, and this one is the “jet fuel can’t melt steel beams” of Gopher football theories. Frothy has already proven it incorrect.

Having said that, there are players on this team that have put in a lot of hard work, and this season isn’t going to be what any of them hoped for. So this is your chance to do something for them. Row The Boat to a game. Cheer your ass off. Enjoy yourself and your friends. Make them know they are appreciated and that their contributions to this program have not gone unnoticed.

Encourage Others to Row The Boat: If you do go to a game, encourage those around you to cheer. If you’re at a bar, tell the next table over you’ll buy a round if they cheer. Be contagious. If someone behind you asks you to sit down, turn around and Row The Boat in their face. Be nothing but optimistic. Remember how your elementary school counselor told you not to hold in your bad feelings? SCREW MRS. ASHBY and her orthopedic shoes!

If you’re feeling bad about what’s going on with the Gophers you keep that shit to yourself. Now is not the time. Act out with encouragement. I’m talking to the point that it’s sickening. Sell the program! These people are either going to Row The Boat with you or they are going to want to beat you with an oar. Pay them no mind. Our purpose is in the future. Plus the Gold Coats won’t let oars in the stadium anyway.

Fervor Fridays: Most offices in 2017 allow casual dress, or at least they allow it on Fridays. I’m calling for Fervor Fridays. Yes, it’s important to wear your colors to the stadium and the pub when you are watching games, but Friday is YOUR game day Gopher fan! Row The Boat by wearing Gopher gear to your office. Unleash a plethora of Maroon & Gold. Emblazon your desk with Goldy bobble-heads, Gopher pennants and small oars. Let there be no doubt which team you support, even if the seas are a little rough this year.


Listen, as a Gopher fan, your expectation is that the coaching staff never gives up and that the players never back down. That they attack every challenge with a NEKTON mentality and they keep fighting no matter what.

How about you quit acting like a sniveling snowflake, step up to the plate, and do the same?

If you’re like me, you didn’t pick this team, this team picked you. If you aren’t spending this time hoping and fighting for the best for the future of this program, then buddy, don’t let the door hit ya where the good Lord split ya.

As for me and my house, we will Row The Boat.

Two Minute Hope: Pete from St. Louis County

On today's Two Minute Hope, we do something a little different and hear from one of our readers, in this case Pete from St. Louis County. Pete is, as you'll hear, an ardent Claeys supporter who takes me to task for my support of PJ Fleck.

We're always happy to listen to and post content from our six readers. Even those who accuse our head coach of treating our players as wage slaves and blame me for the decline of Western civilization.

Enjoy.

LISTEN HERE


Thursday, October 12, 2017

The Barren Womb: An Oral History of Golden Gopher Recruiting in Writing

Have you ever really taken a look at Gopher recruiting over the last ten years? Like, really looked at it? I hadn't either until a friend pointed out some information to me that was like whatever the opposite of looking into the face of God is. Probably Nazi dude's face being melted by the Arc of the Covenant in 'Raiders of the Lost Arc' or any scene from the original 'Evil Dead.' Was very, very undank.

I'm not going to go class by class, because that would take forever; rather I'll be looking at the top 25 commits the Gophers have had in the Internet recruiting era and assessing their impact to the program. All data is from 247, so if you hate them, piss off. 

Let's begin!

Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Gmailcast: Michigan State

Because sometimes you can't work out your schedules to do a podcast or you're already on a podcast and can't be bothered to do another one or you're desperate for content and email with your buddies anyway, today SGH introduces the first ever Gmailcast.

Here, @tretanic, @jdmill and I spend eight hours discussing the impending doom that is the Michigan State game. It predictably goes off the rails, hi-jinks ensure and, voila, #CONTENT. 

Enjoy....

@stillgothope1
9:42 AM (9 hours ago)
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to @jdmill, @tretanic
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Not feeling great about the game this weekend. Hoping Sparty has dysentery or something that almost but not quite kills them on the Oregon Trail. What do you guys think?

@jdmill
10:10 AM (9 hours ago)
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to me, @tretanic
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I'm trying to keep my expectations incredibly low. In fact, I might be forming a narrative in my head where WE are the ones who have contracted dysentery. Creating a scenario where we have absolutely no chance to win might be a good mechanism to spare my psyche.

But honestly, I'm terrified. With Sparty's D-Line, this game sets up as almost a worst case scenario because our run game is the only thing our offense has going for it. So yeah, I am something less than optimistic.

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@tretanic
10:13 AM (9 hours ago)
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to @stillgothope1, @jdmill
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Last night I was wondering what to have for dinner.  Living by myself, I'm not the best at "meal planning" or even "buying groceries" so often I'm left digging through the dregs of my kitchen.  Things like frozen meals, ramen, brinner (it's breakfast for dinner!) or putting in a lot of work making pasta or Rice a Roni or some shit we're some of the choices available to me.  I had ramen the night prior though, spicy!  My body is my temple.

So, what generally happens is I go out to eat or pick something up.  Last night I had some lovely Kung Pao chicken with steamed rice.  Shout out to Duc's in Woodbury.

Fleck's problem is he can't go out and get some delicious Asian delights from Duc's.  He has to dig through the cupboards and make it work.  Some of the items in the cupboard don't fit together, some are past their due date and should be thrown out.  

One thing I have to question about Fleck's cooking is that our Gophers did not look ready to play last week at Purdue.  They seemed tentative, they made mistakes early, and it just seemed to take awhile to get in the flow of the game.  You can't have ramen straight out of the package, too crunchy; you need some hella hot water to get them noodles ready.

Will the Gophers win? No, probably not.
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@stillgothope1
10:34 AM (8 hours ago)
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to @tretanic, @jdmill
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Good point about the food and I really enjoyed that analogy. I've been eating whole wheat  tortillas with peanut butter on them every weeknight for the last ten days. It fulfils a need for calories, but is otherwise totally unsatisfying. That feels a lot like our offense: we run some plays like we're required by the rules to do, but it's otherwise totally unremarkable.

Maybe us having dysentery would be better than Sparty a) because it's a super excuse for getting murderballed and b) because they'll likely be wearing white pants and would show the poo stains more than our maroon pants. I'm really here to preserve Sparty's dignity. I hope they do the same for us.

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@jdmill
10:59 AM (8 hours ago)
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to @stillgothope1, @tretanic
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So I guess this has become a thing where we compare Gopher stuff to food. I'll bite. /winks

Not long after I got married, my wife cooked a meal that could best be described as "burnt." But being the new husband that I was, aspiring to be elite, I ate it anyway. I even lied to my wife about how much I was enjoying it while I ingested carcinogens the likes of which my body hadn't seen since smoking was banned in bars in Minnesota.

Anyway, something something, Gopher secondary. It's not the secondary we want, but it's the secondary we have and DAMMIT ALL we should figure out a way to enjoy it, but not feel bad about sneaking some Doritos before bed.
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@tretanic
11:54 AM (7 hours ago)
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to @jdmill, @stillgothope1
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Doritos really are the perfect food type product.  Except for Cool Ranch, throw that stuff right in the trash.

I didn't mean for this to be an all food analogy email string, you guys.  The shtick found me, I didn't seek it out.  

Any chance MSU QB Brian Lewerke is allergic to yellowjackets? Maybe stick a few nests in the heated faux turf like little land mines?  Can't hurt to help put some pressure on him since the Gophers have like two defensive backs left.
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@stillgothope1
12:09 PM (7 hours ago)
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to @tretanic, @jdmill
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Hell, let's throw the whole collection of potential causes of anaphylaxis at them: latex, peanuts, penicillin. We should also feed them aged cheddar cheese and pork liver in the event one of their key players is on an MAO inhibitor. I don't want anyone to die, but a massive and dangerous allergic reaction or hypertensive crisis would really help the team out. 

Sparty's defensive line gives me hot flashes and night sweats. Outside of attempted mass murder, is there any way we can move the ball against them? Our offensive line hasn't exactly inspired much hope.

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@jdmill
2:50 PM (4 hours ago)
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to @stillgothope1, @tretanic
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We rank 97th in Total Offense and Sparty ranks 4th in Total Defense. Immovable object meet stoppable force. Our best hope is that our defense can figure out a way to give our offense short fields. Then again, we saw how well that worked last week. 

I can't decide if this conversation is helping me or making it worse. With each tidbit I become less and less convinced we can keep it close. Lawdamighty please Peejus tell me Ciarrocca has something new this week.
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@stillgothope1
3:38 PM (3 hours ago)
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to @jdmill, @tretanic
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Look, I've given you all sorts of possibilities regarding generating some offense against MSU. Yes, one was making them run the gauntlet on allergens, ine was dysentery  and another required them to be on an antiquated antidepressant; but it's in those things, those that bring our opponents to the edge of their lives, that our hope lives. I'll concede it's a sociopathic hope that doesn't conform to Minnesota's fan conduct policy. Yet hope it is. 

If you're unwilling to accept that, well, our next best option is they come in all high on life from pantsing their big brother and completely overlook us. Is that going to happen? Depends on how many quaaludes you've had, I guess. I think we're cooked, but maybe something completely fantastical will happen. 
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@jdmill
4:16 PM (3 hours ago)
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to @stillgothope1, @tretanic
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Something fantastical ya say? Something like a sudden bout of conscience? A sudden bout of conscience by an MSU coach? An MSU coach who happens to be a Defensive Coordinator? A Defensive Coordinator who happens to be from... SAINT PAUL, MINNESOTA?!?! 

Maybe Mark Tressel is suddenly longing for home. He feels awful for his part in building a defense that has been instrumental in beating his home state Gophers four times in row. He must do something. He has to help the Gophers. He must sabotage the Spartans. But how? And time is of the essence. He has only three days.

He approaches Mark Dantonio.

MT: Coach, I've got some thoughts on the game plan this week. 
MD: Game plan is cooked, Mark. Let's make sure those boys are ready.
MT: But coach, isn't it time to send a statement? A statement that we are back?
MD: Go on...
MT: What are we known for coach? Defense. 
MD: Of course, but what does that...
MT: We've done it for years. Doesn't matter the personnel we throw out there. 
MD: Okay, but...
MT: LET'S BENCH ALL OF THE DEFENSIVE STARTERS!
MD: I, uh...
MT: There is no greater statement to send to the haterz than putting a bunch of noobs out there, throwing our middle fingers in the air and screaming "COME AT ME GOPHS!!!"
MD: Sweet sassy molassy... I LOVE IT! Green-light it!
/scene

I mean, it's as plausible as team wide anaphylactic shock. 
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@jdmill
4:19 PM (2 hours ago)
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to @stillgothope1, @tretanic
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Edit: his name is Mike Tressel
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@tretanic
4:20 PM (2 hours ago)
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to @jdmill, @stillgothope1
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I think y'all got into the antifreeze.  You sharing?