Thursday, August 25, 2011

Hunjover Twitterverse Recap 8.25.2011

HTR is the daily feature where we pull the most recent tweets with the #Gophers hashtag and provide absolutely no additional insight.

@GopherSports1Gopher Sports
Notre Dame picks Dayne Crist as starter at #minnesota #gophers
This is relevant for my NCAA’12 non-dynasty games, when I pit the Gophers against Touchdown Jesus. I can now set the lineups appropriately. Outside of that it has no bearing on anything. Hashtag abuse, kids. There should be a hotline for this ish.

@StribSportsStar Tribune Sports
New @RandBall blog: Unnamed Broncos official says former #Gophers QB Adam Weber better than Tim Tebow.
Props to A-Web for apparently beating out Tim Christ. I wasn’t much of a fan of Johnny Skip Pass, but the poor bastard had a lot working against him here. it’d be rad if he could get himself on the Broncos’ practice squad this year.

@GopherAthleticsMinnesota Gophers
In 1955, the #Gophers shocked ranked #USC in a big upset. Can they do it again in 10 days? #CountdowntoUSC
Love the optimism here. I remember last year for the OSU game, they handed out those ‘A test against the best’ buttons as we walked into the stadium. I suspect the optimism in this tweet will be as futile as it was with the buttons. HOPE!

@LoyalBig10FansBig Ten News
Police take evidence from LSU QB Jordan Jefferson's apartment in connection with bar fight: #gophers #minnesota
Searching his dee-luxe apartment in the sky? Hope they don’t take Jordan’s piece of the pie. More hashtag abuse. This has as much to do with the Gophers as the imminent collapse of gold and AAPL prices.

@pmassmannPaul Massmann
Clearly the Twins have given up. Time to turn my focus to the #Gophers football season! Can't wait!!
Nice work, Paul. You stuck with them two months longer than I did. Hopefully you and I will show more perseverance with the Gophers this year when they inevitably hit a few bumps in the road.

Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Happy Birthday, GopherMoses

(No irreverence intended here, but the allegory is just too sweet to pass up. Plus that pic is BA. I'd like to see the team's other Moses, the Tossin' Tongan, wield a staff like that. I bet that thing attacks at 2d4.)

Happy birthday, Coach KILL. Your arrival after the plagues of Brewster and Cosgrove and dedication to lead us out of the CFB desert after 44 years of penury are appreciated by all lovers of maroon and gold.

Hunjover Twitterverse Recap 8.24.2011

So, I guess we’re supposed to do something every day to keep readers engaged. Who knew? Anyway, here’s the first installment of the Hunjover Twitterverse Recap, summarizing the last five tweets from whenever we put this together that have a Gophers hashtag. It’s the least we can do, so we’re doing it.

@1500ESPN1500 ESPN TwinCities
Jerry Kill defends MarQueis Gray's accuracy: 'He is in the grind days' #Gophers (via the 1500 ESPN SportsWire)…

Oh, we’re not actually reading any of the links, so don’t expect more than a cursory recap. Looks like KILL is trying to calm the fears that Gray has a baby arm. And an inaccurate one at that.
University of Minnesota marching band welcomes in the new rookies tomorrow! #prideofminnesota #gophers @TheUMMB. Proud to be an alum.

Fellow teamMNdrunj member letting us know the band is getting back together. Hopefully there will be no Badger-styled hazing. If I had ever belonged to anything, I’d pimp it like mad too.
This John Nash-like collection of hashtags makes my face hurt. We wish Jose well.

@LoyalBig10FansBig Ten News
New U President Eric Kaler: Q & A: Minneapolis Star-Tribune » The University of Minnesota's #gophers #minnesota

Prexy K giving interviews, apparently. All the while, not firing BADger Joel Macturi. Copyright, Wren.
That's some funny shit. Learn that your one year w/the #Gophers? RT @KrisHumphries: "@scottdisick follow me back or I will kidnap Mason lol"

Someone responding with something to Kris Kardashian going on about something. Kidnapping or something. #gophers

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Gopher Widows - Life Ain't So Bad

So, believe it or not, we have lady friends. Like, actual women that want to be with us without charging a fee. They have taken to calling themselves "Gopher Widows" due to our commitment to Gopher football.  In our opinion, they have it pretty easy. It's not like we're Nebraska fans. We don't travel to every single game and treat each one like it was the Super Bowl (but it's badass that they do). As our first joint post, we'd like to illustrate how they don’t have it so rough. Here's a list of ten reasons why being a Gopher Widow is preferable to most other teams. May they never, ever read it.

  1. No demand for Gopher athletic gear. Therefore, it's on sale quite a bit at traditional outlets and, truthfully, a bro could outfit himself exclusively from Mill’s Fleet Farm (they must get that ish on the cheap as a bonus for being the sole distributor of Rustler jeans). And you can pick up a sweet, non-ironic trucker hat. Gopher Widow Benefit: Jing in the bank.
  2. Maroon and gold colors aren't that bad. We could be Oregon fans, for chrissakes, and all of our clothes would be the color of a lanced boil. Plus, if maroon and gold are good enough for the Song Girlz, they’re good enough for us. Gopher Widow Benefit: Tastefully attired menfolk.
  3. We usually stop watching away games by halftime when we're down 30. This isn’t entirely true. We stay engaged until the bitter, bitter end. But we are capable of paying the Widows a modicum of attention when we’re not clubbing baby seals as a sacrifice to Jo-bu for an 80-yard Stoudermire kickoff return. Gopher Widow Benefit: More game-day cuddle time.
  4. Too embarrassed to follow the team on road games. Again, not entirely true. But supporting a team with minimal success over the last 50 years doesn’t lend itself well to rolling into Iowa City or Anne Arbor and throwing out SWAGGERBOMBZ What’s the fun in that? Gopher Widow Benefit: More weekends available for household chores.
  5. No bowl games to worry about. We could be dropping a stack or two a year heading to Pasadena or Florida to see the Gophers in major bowl games. Suffice it to say, we’re not doing that; this leaves a lot more money to feed the kids, pay the rent and get our Amway distributorship up and running. Double Diamond, beeetches! Gopher Widow Benefit: Can take non-football related vacations. Amway.
  6. "Rivalries" are all one-sided, so there's no danger of getting in fights with opposing fans. To paraphrase King Fabulous, not all of us will shoot, but all of us will thump. This isn’t a factor, though, since our rivals mostly look at us like that one dog that doesn’t have front legs, so he hops around everywhere: a nice, cute story; but totally harmless. Most opposing fans just look at our passion with pity. Gopher Widow Benefit: No late-night calls to bail menfolk out of the clink.
  7. Post game drinking is usually to drown our sorrows, so it's not like we're up all night partying. Losing to OSU by 40 isn’t exactly conducive to heading to the nearest VIP room, popping bottles of Cris and snorting blow from the ass crack of a stripper. No, we go to our respective homes, turn the lights off and cry while finding comfort in the sweet embrace of the one thing that will never leave us: bourbon. Gopher Widow Benefit: No $22,000 bar tabs, cocaine addiction or glitter on clothes.
  8. Goldy. He’s cute. We could support MSU or Purdue and have effing Sparty or that creepy dude with the plastic hammer. Plus homeboy wins national championships in whatever it is that mascots compete with each other in. You’ve got it good here, ladies. Gopher Widow Benefit: Clothing with mascot that doesn’t look like a muscle-bound pedophile.
  9. Pantherhawk hates the Gophers: This is undoubtedly an indirect benefit, but has to be mentioned. When a light-saber-wielding, Arby’s-loving, never-felt-the-touch-of-a-woman douchespray has made it his life’s mission to disparage a team, support of said team is necessarily a good thing and benefit to all. Gopher Widow Benefit: Helping humanity oppose that vile bugger.
  10. We have an extra ticket. In the event we ever contend for something meaningful, the Widows will have first crack at the extra ticket we have in our group. They may limit the drunjfun to some extent, but the $500 per game they’ll be paying us for the ticket is just as good as some random bro from StubHub. Gopher Widow Benefit: Open seat on the bandwagon.

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Where Are They Now According To Google? Tutu Atwell

This is the first of a series on former Gopher athletes and what they're up to now based on approximately 7 minutes of internet research.

Tutu Atwell played wide receiver for the Gophers from 1994-1997.  In 45 games he amassed 171 catches for 2640 yards.  Check out how sick he looks in this photo here:

Tutu was a favorite of mine. Which led me to start the WATNATG series. So, without further ado, let's see what he's up to.

Right off the bat we get a few pieces of juicy information.  According to, Tutu's full name is Chatarius "Tutu" Atwell.  Chatarius is such a bad ass name that it looks like Tutu named his son Chatarius Atwell Jr.  But wait, what's this?  LostLettermen indicates Tutu's son is named "Chartarius".  Now I'm lost.  I don't know a lot of Chatarii, so I can't tell if the "r" should be there or not.  After googling both Chatarius and Chartarius I come to the conclusion that there is no bonus "r".  Phew - mystery solved!  Anyway, according to, his son plays football and runs track like a god-damned deer. 

Tutu had a cup of coffee with the Detroit Lions in 1998, but since the Lions are known for making horrible personnel decisions, they cut him loose. 

In 2008, as a 9 year old, Chatarius Jr. ran 200 meters in 34.05 seconds.  Sounds pretty fast I guess. 

Tutu has a player page on ESPN saying he was a member of the Colts.  It's completely devoid of information.  Weird.

Other than that, it appears Tutu has disappeared off the face of the earth.  Hopefully the guy is ok.  Tutu, holla at your boy!


Saturday, August 20, 2011

'Sup. Welcome.

So, this is the post where we talk a little about ourselves and why we’ve decided to write this blog. To hell with that. Here’s what you need to know: we’re a couple of drunks who support Gopher sports. And by that, I mean football and basketball. No disrespect to the other sports, but they occasionally win shit. This site is about needing to find solace in a bottle of bourbon due to the perpetual shortcomings of 18-23 year-old dudes. Is that diseased? Yeah, but there’s no cure for this shit.

Anyway, here’s what you can expect from us until we get bored and go back to the interpr0ns:
  1. Absolutely uninformed takes -  You want the latest news on the Gophers? Go someplace else. This is a blog from a couple of dudes who are absolute zeros with respect to journalistic standards and connections to the program. This is an opinion site and you should take it for what it’s worth. and will keep you up to speed on all the real news.
  2. Differing opinions – I’m the optimist here. TRE is the realist. TRE will give you the same boring shtick week after week while I ride the roller coaster of optimism and despair.  We share unholy love for the Gophers, but our grounding in reality is at opposite ends of the spectrum. Chances are, you fall somewhere in between.
  3. Drunken idiocy – We drink. We post. Expect pics from tailgating extolling our excellence at giant Jenga and cornhole. We are Big Ten tailgaters, after all. Additionally, we sit in the third row of the lower level of the visitor’s section in The Bank and routinely mock and ridicule the opposing team’s mascot. We will share and celebrate this buffoonery, despite the condemnations of Mark Rosen and Dan Barreiro.
  4. Rick Ross – Dude is a big’n, but we love him. He wheezes through every rap in which I’ve heard him, but he’s got a choppa in the car, so he’s beautiful in our minds. TRE insists he could take him in a fight, which is absurd, because ROSS is a former prison guard. You can’t fight a screw, TRE!
  5. Other shit – Remember, we’re drunks, so other random topics will come up from time to time. Food is key, since I need it to live out my dream of having the fire department bust through a wall in my house to haul me out with a forklift after I become fused to my couch. Politics and religion will both be avoided, since both are uber lame. I pray to sweet Christ and President Obama when the Gophers are trying to hold a lead against Iowa with 2.30 left in the 4th; but outside of that, what the fuck is the point of digging deeper? Drink and ignore is our credo.
So, that’s it for introductions.  Hope springs eternal here. Expect lots of happiness if the Gophers win and suicidal tendencies, at least from me, if the Gophers lose. Just remember: it’s a great start to the football season when I’ll need a sobercab to take me to a meaningless football scrimmage tomorrow morning.

Pump  ya fist!