Saturday's Talkers on Monday or Tuesday: The Bye Week Edition

Bye weeks are fun, aren’t they? Especially coming off a big win.

This was the second consecutive bye week we’ve gotten to let the endorphins run wild and dream the impossible dream. Our last bye came after the victory over Penn State last year, where we just wrapped up our fourth conference victory in a row for the first time since the Vietnam War. We were 8-2 and had our sights set on a home game against Wisconsin, with a very outside chance of winning the erstwhile Legends division. Things came to an abrupt halt after the week off, but we got to revel in the glory of what could be for one blessed week.

The entirety of my week was spent doing something of a rarity as a Gopher sports fan: basking in the sweet glow of success. People, friends and co-workers, who know of my obsession with the Gophers congratulated me – I got texts from people I hadn’t spoken with in years who sent their well wishes. This must be like what winning the lottery, where acquaintances come out of the woodwork to make themselves known; only without the $200 million and jing and floating castle.

Frankly, sitting on the edge of the couch while the team came out of victory formation and the TV switched to Joe Bjorklund sprinting (well, doing whatever it is when offensive linemen move as fast as they can) to grab the Jug I felt, well, pretty damn good. Not winning the lottery good, or birth of a child good or unlimited trips to the pizza and taco buffet good; but a deeply profound sense of satisfaction.

There is a feeling of dread known only to long-time supporters of generally bad sports teams – a mix of excitement for what could happen coupled with the rumble of ten-thousand stampeding horses bearing down on you: the possibility of greatness rarely exists in thought without the more certain likelihood of pain. When we’re losing during a game or after a string of losses, we feel that pain acutely throughout the season. When we’re winning a game, the possibility of the pain tolls in the back of your mind. Only when victory is assured– and not just any victory, only those of consequence or over boogeymen – do we have that moment, the certainty of knowledge that there will be no pain. It happens all too rarely for us, or it has until recently, so we savor every blessed moment.

So, yeah, I enjoyed that win immensely and I’m sure the three readers of this blog probably did too. I would have enjoyed the bye week more if Michigan had thrashed Rutgers and lent some credence to the notion that we had beaten a tough Michigan team, but c'est la vie. They’re reeling and since this was the fourth time in my life we’ve managed to win the Jug, I couldn’t have cared less if the Wolverines were a rotting corpse by the end of the game. A win is a win, damn it.

It was pretty special watching Wisconsin lose to Northwestern. A lot gets made about how Minnesotans suck because they spend more time and energy cheering against Wisconsin than they do for Minnesota teams. I’ve had a couple go-rounds with a ZZZ-level employee of one of our local network stations on this subject. He’s an unapologetic Wisconsin alumnus and the paragon as to why Minnesotans have this complex. He claims to want Minnesota teams to do well, while throwing out every passive-aggressive barb possible as it relates to the Gophers vis a vis the Badgers. You don’t (or at least I don’t) see that sort of condescending self fellation from Iowa fans – Badger supporters have cornered the market on self-congratulatory asshattery; so, yes, I very much enjoy watching them lose.

The topic du jour over the Gopher innertronz seems to be whether the Badgers defeat to Northwestern portends awful things for this weekend’s clash against the Evanston Cats. 

Man, I don’t know. After my long-winded apology thread, I’m reluctant to jump back on the struggle bus of doubt; so how about a poor, long-winded metaphor? I was a bigger kid growing up (that’s code for “husky” or “fat”). Norwegian whaling ships were a constant menace in the waters outside of my home. I never really played much on teeter-totters, but when I did, the poor bastard on the other end always got stuck in the air. I’d push up with my legs, but since I weighed so much more than the other four-year old, I’d end up with my feet back on the ground. A harsh lesson in physics before I had ever even heard of Schrödinger’s poor cat.

At any rate, when you spend your whole childhood looking up from the bottom of a teeter-totter, you start to see the world a certain way. Now, maybe, you lose a little weight or the rest of the kids grow into you and you start to see what life is like from the top, or at least not always from the lowest point. It’s pretty cool up there, but you’re really not used to the bright sun and, oh, hell, that’s a long way down. You like it – you could certainly get used to it – but you’re totally unfamiliar with it.

We’re not at the bottom of the teeter-totter anymore, guys. For the second year in a row, we have legitimate hope of a great season. We have the defense we’ve always wanted, a running game that can hold its own in the conference and a few sprouts of hope with respect to moving the ball through the air. But the fear is still there. Just like a team that always loses, we fans, or at least I, have to learn how to win. They, the team, have to do it because success is unattainable without a positive mentality. I have to do it because of stress eating and pancreas transplants aren’t really a thing yet.

This week, we’ll look at that inescapable fear of the top of the teeter-totter. Maybe we can find a way through it together. Or maybe we’ll just find catharsis, reconciliation and better living through pharmaceuticals. 

Saturday's Talkers on Monday or Tuesday: Post-Michigan Apology Post

So, this is the official apology edition, where I eat crow and try to make amends for being so terribly, terribly wrong about this Gophers team.

In fairness, I wasn’t wrong, exactly – my timing was just bad. After the EIU and MTSU games, I was preaching about how the defense had been stout and the offense was holding something back. Surely, I said, this wasn’t the whole offense; Limegrover was smarter than that.

Then the TCU game happened and my hope started to waiver. Why had we not shown more? I presented some homer excuses about the coaches recognizing our inferiority and opted not to show much offensively that could be used in more winnable games. But I didn’t really believe it. I started to see a faint outline of writing on the wall. Graffiti from a dark, terrible place. It said our offense was once again going to waste one of the better defenses we’d seen in maroon and gold and make would could be a special season into a fairly ordinary one.

The following week we played SJSU and allayed none of those emerging concerns. We basically ran three plays the whole day, all of which were devised around the time of the War of Independence. At this point, I had no new excuses. I was just copying and pasting stuff from the first two weeks while vacantly staring off into the distance. As the week leading up to the Michigan game wore on, any belief I had was drained from me. Then I wrote this gem.

So, like I said, I wasn’t wrong, per se. I just lost all belief and most of my hope. I mean, look at what I wrote the night before the Michigan game:

“And while we haven’t exactly been world beaters, we’ve looked better, more consistent than Michigan. Our defense has been solid against both the run and pass in all four non-conference games and our running game last week was as good as it’s ever been. Yes, we haven’t been able to pass, it’s true. But if we can do just enough, find some way to move the ball through the air, make Michigan’s linebackers hesitate for a moment in their run fits, we should be able to score some points. And our defense should be good enough to contain the Wolverine’s impotent offense.

And there it is. The hope. The dream.

All week we’ve seen and heard prognosticators pick the Gophers to win. Some have said to lose this game would be worse than the way we lost to them in 2011. Pointing to Michigan’s deficiencies, they suggest we’ll be able to do enough offensively to punch them in the mouth early, and turn the 100,000 Coke drinking fans against their own team. From there, we play Gophers man ball through 15-play, 75 yard grind-them-to-dust drives and allow our wily defense to shut them down. Game over. The Jug returns to Minnesota.”

That’s what we did! That’s how we beat them! Beat them up a little early, shut them down defensively and then complete a couple of passes. Get a lead and then liquefy them through blunt force trauma on both sides of the ball. That’s exactly what we did.

Of course, I followed that up with:

Dreams are ephemera. Hopes are broken, white-hot coat hangers shoved into your sinuses.

But history is a savage. And history is smothering my hope with an old, musty pillow. I hear people saying we have a chance, but all I see the specter of the last 50 years. 1966: 49 – 0; 1972: 42 – 0; 1976: 45 – 0; 1985: 48 – 7; 1992: 63 – 13; 2008: 29 – 6; 2013: 42 – 13. These are inescapable truths. The record is bleak. Players graduate, coaches retire or are fired, teams change and evolve. But the constant has been ignominious failure.

As a fan, though, I may be too damaged to believe. I hope, I always hope. But, throughout my life one Gopher football maxim has generally held true: football is a simple game – 22 men chase a ball around for 60 minutes, and in the end, Michigan always win.

One loses one’s ability to gloat after that little bit of melodrama. I try to avoid histrionics and fatalistic thinking. Big ol’ failure on that front.

So, now, we apologize. No bloodletting or feats of strength. Just straight up honest, genuine contrition.

To Matt Limegrover, I’m sorry I doubted your abilities to put a sound offensive game plan together. You admitted after last year’s Iowa game that you were too stubborn to stop running the ball up the middle and I thought you were trying to fool me twice. Your rationale for not diversifying the offense unless you had to was cogent; but I didn’t listen. I thought you believed our offensive line could overpower anyone. I was even starting to mentally jump on the bandwagon that your coordinator and line coach positions should be split.

Even well into the game, I thought you lacked the cojones to get us out from our own goal line on THE DRIVE. When you called that play action pass from the seven for 21 yards, I wanted you to hold me. My hope sprung anew. It was morning in Gopher Nation. And the screens, the glorious, glorious screens. I’ve been demanding them for years and we saw them in myriad form to great success.

I had begun to write you off, Limey. I started to believe you were in over your head or stretching yourself too thin with multiple roles at the Power 5 level.

I was wrong and I’m terribly sorry.

To Mitch Leidner, I’m sorry I doubted your ability to consistently move the ball through the air. When they announced you were the starter, I panicked. I remember last season when Nelson was started even though he wasn’t 100% and I thought the same situation was in play here. But it wasn’t.

Through the first three games, it seemed like you lacked the accuracy and pocket awareness to keep the offense balanced enough to be successful. While I didn’t think the coaches were doing you any favors with the play calling, I began to think that you just weren’t quite ready to manage the offense on a full-time basis. In fact, I was in agreement with TRE that Streveler should get the start. I figured neither of you could pass the ball, but he was healthy and fast and had a swagger – let’s give him a shot.

On Saturday, against a very solid defense in one of the most difficult environments to play, you proved your mettle. You were the leader of that team, completing critical passes and restoring a hope for the season that usually dies with September.

I was wrong and I’m terribly sorry.

To Jerry Kill, I’m sorry I stopped believing. You have preached that things are different now. That history is what it is and we should focus on what we have now. That we have ripped up what was, dug deep into the earth, found our base, and built on it a foundation of concrete. You have never wavered in that belief. I did.

You’ve indicated on numerous occasions that building a program is not a linear endeavor. That we may see progress one week and a slight recession the following week. That it’s possible to plod along, playing uninspired football, to suddenly break through and improve in a step-wise fashion.

After the offensive impotency of the TCU game and splendid veer attack we unleashed against SJSU, I forgot that. I forgot that what happens one week isn’t necessarily indicative of what will happen the following week. That games and their participant teams are dynamic systems within dynamic systems, where a slight change in tendency, a nudge of one or two levers, can fundamentally change the outcome. Football can be predicted, but it is not so static as to be a forgone conclusion.

I should have recognized that and kept the faith. My apologies.

Finally to my Twitter friends and six readers of this blog, I’m sorry for being a Cassandra. Many of you tried to tell me that I was too pessimistic, that Michigan was a tire fire trapped in a septic system bad, that Leidner was better than his first three games. You believed that we could win – some how, some way the Gophers would bring the Jug back to Minnesota. I let history be my guide instead of seeing what was obvious to both our objective and positively-biased subjective fans.

I’m sorry I was a downer in the week leading up to the game. You were right and I was wrong.

So, with those necessary apologies out of the way, here we sit at the bye week, with the Jug in Minnesota for the next year, a 4 – 1 record and three very winnable games coming up. For the rest of the week, let’s dream a little bit.

WE WIN THE JUG

JUG

Friday Night Descent to the Fiery Depths of Despair: Pre-Michigan

Probably worth noting upfront that I’m in a foul mood, so I suspect what little hope I had for a positive outcome tomorrow will be ball gagged and flogged by my present demeanor. Sometimes booze just ain’t enough. You’ve been warned.

Ah, Michigan. It seems like every year we go into this game with the faintest glimmer of positivity, that maybe this time we won’t piss ourselves at the sight of the winged helmets. And every year, but for three, in my entire life, the curb stomp happens. Sometimes we lose in heartbreaking fashion (see 03, 20), sometimes we would have been better off forfeiting (hi, 58 – nil!), but most of the time, it’s just a traditional beat down. We’ll look game for a quarter or two, but you always know what’s going to happen: Michigan will make a big play, we’ll fold ourselves neatly into the fetal position and go quietly off into that good night.

I’ve been thinking to myself all week that games like tomorrow’s are the worst. The Wolverines have been our bugaboo for 50 years – but they look beatable. Their offense is in disarray: their line is weak, Gardner has been a turnover machine and they can’t seem to score any points. They have looked pedestrian at best against every FBS opponent they’ve played. Yes, their defense has been sound, particularly against the run; but, as Gopher fans know well, if you can’t score any points, the greatest defense in the country is of limited value.

And while we haven’t exactly been world beaters, we’ve looked better, more consistent than Michigan. Our defense has been solid against both the run and pass in all four non-conference games and our running game last week was as good as it’s ever been. Yes, we haven’t been able to pass, it’s true. But if we can do just enough, find some way to move the ball through the air, make Michigan’s linebackers hesitate for a moment in their run fits, we should be able to score some points. And our defense should be good enough to contain the Wolverine’s impotent offense.

And there it is. The hope. The dream.

All week we’ve seen and heard prognosticators pick the Gophers to win. Some have said to lose this game would be worse than the way we lost to them in 2011. Pointing to Michigan’s deficiencies, they suggest we’ll be able to do enough offensively to punch them in the mouth early, and turn the 100,000 Coke drinking fans against their own team. From there, we play Gophers man ball through 15-play, 75 yard grind-them-to-dust drives and allow our wily defense to shut them down. Game over. The Jug returns to Minnesota.

Dreams are ephemera. Hopes are broken, white-hot coat hangers shoved into your sinuses.

I want to believe. I do. Part of me genuinely does. And that’s what brings the pain. We may very well be a superior team to Michigan right now. Judging by recruiting rankings we are inferior; but we have been much more consistent functioning as a unit, at least offensively. The Wolverines looked grossly overmatched against Notre Dame and Utah and fairly ordinary against a poor Miami of Ohio team. We legitimately could be seen as the better squad.

But history is a savage. And history is smothering my hope with an old, musty pillow. I hear people saying we have a chance, but all I see the specter of the last 50 years. 1966: 49 – 0; 1972: 42 – 0; 1976: 45 – 0; 1985: 48 – 7; 1992: 63 – 13; 2008: 29 – 6; 2013: 42 – 13. These are inescapable truths. The record is bleak. Players graduate, coaches retire or are fired, teams change and evolve. But the constant has been ignominious failure.

Can we win tomorrow? Absolutely. We can win tomorrow and launch the wretched Wolverine money into the aether with his Nebraska-branded cousin. We can win tomorrow and situate ourselves for a 4-0 start to B1G play. We can win tomorrow and likely end Brady Hoke’s tenure at Michigan. We have the players, the coaches and the system to make it happen.

As a fan, though, I may be too damaged to believe. I hope, I always hope. But, throughout my life one Gopher football maxim has generally held true: football is a simple game – 22 men chase a ball around for 60 minutes, and in the end, Michigan always win.*

* Paraphrasing Gary Lineker’s quote about the German national soccer team, of course.

Know Your Enemy Week 5: Michigan Wolverines

Well, we are where we thought we'd be, right?  I mean both of us here at SGH? correctly predicted the winner of each of the first four games and Tuffy Rhodes Scholars, we are not.

Except, of course, all of the death.  The universe is Carl Spackler and he's been blowing up Gophers by the handful.

Sandy: I want you to kill every gopher on the course!  

Carl Spackler: Check me if I'm wrong Sandy, but if I kill all the golfers, they're gonna lock me up and throw away the key...   

Sandy: Gophers, ya great git! The gophers! The little brown furry rodents!  

Carl Spackler: We can do that; we don't even have to have a reason. 

Mitch Leidner and Maxx Williams remain questionable for Saturday, but both have practiced the last couple of days.  Maxx of course would be a great help in the passing game, as anemic as it is.  It would be good to have Mitch back too, but you already know my feelings if you read my post from the other day on Chris Streveler.

What's happening in Michigan these days seems nothing short of implosion.  Brady Hoke's neck is in the noose and at least half of the Big House is willing to pull the lever at this point.  Utah beat them at home.  Notre Dame gave them a little how's-your-father as a send of to that great rivalry.  Their wins have come against Appalachian St and Miami OH.

Michigan is a team divided.  The defense is good, maybe great and features linebackers Jake Ryan and Joe Bolden or Joe Ryan and Jake Bolden...I forget.  These two guys each have twice as many tackles as the #3 tackler on the team.  Defensive ends Frank Clark and Brennen Beyer are also very disruptive.

The offense on the other hand has been very turnover prone.  It's like they all have Daunte Culpepper mini-hands.  Devin Gardner doesn't look the same this year.  He's thrown 6 interceptions and has been sacked 9 times.  He doesn't even run that much anymore, its pretty weird.  Michigan isn't without playmakers though on offense.  Running back Derrick Green has 391 yards rushing in 4 games, which is a pretty big accomplishment when the team is constantly turning the ball over and getting blown out by Utah and the Irish.  Devin Funchess is another in a long line of big time Wolverines wide receivers.

I've heard a lot of internet "experts" and even some of my non Gopher-fan friends picking Minnesota to at least cover in this match-up.   Covers.com has it at 51% picking Minnesota and the points.  Jim Souhan's crazy ass thinks the Gophers will win outright.

Three things probably need to happen for the Gophers to win:

1.  The Gophers are able to run it well despite Michigan's stout front 7.
2.  Michigan's offense continues to sputter and the ball-hawking Gophers continue to screech.
3.  The Gophers complete more passes than those old-timey leather helmet teams.

Speaking of that, check out this smarmy headline: Gophers look to join 21st century, complete multiple passes against Michigan.

Also, if the Gophers have been holding some secret plays in their pocket like many are saying/hoping, now is the week to show some of it.  It would be especially juicy if those plays could involve Michigan snub, Berkley Edwards.

Let's take a look at the Michigan Roster for some All Namers:

Drake Harris/Drake Johnson, WR/RB - recruit all Drake strategy
Freddy Canteen, WR - keeps being forced to be water boy
Jack Wangler, WR - Letter R the difference between pervert and cowboy
Taco Charlton, DE - Fuck yes.
Jake Butt, TE - Subject of my "Gardner finds Butt" caption from a couple weeks ago
Ondre Pipkins, DT - Don't laugh, he's 6'3", 306 lbs


TRE's Prediction

I think all of these narratives that have the general public hankerin' for an upset might play if this game wasn't in the Big House.  Despite Brady Hoke's best efforts, they still have a ton of talent on this team and I'm not ready to write of Devin Gardner after a couple of sucky performances.  You may recall a little game last year where he threw for 235 (13-17) in an absolute stomping of our heroes.  Prove me wrong, Gophers.  Please?  Gophers 13, Michigan 34


Frothy's Prediction

I agree with TRE, as much as it pains me to admit it. I'll write more about this later, probably at length, but Michigan is our nemesis. I'd really like to think we can take advantage of a Michigan squad with a dysfunctional offense and a head coach on the ropes; but the winged helmets have effectively meant auto-defeat for Minnesota for the last 50 years. Hoke might not survive this season, but we won't be able to contribute to his ouster. Gophers 10, Michigan 28

Time to Get Down with the Blues Streveler

Is that an airplane bottle of Grey Goose in his sock?

Is it time to get on board with Chris Streveler?


Its early, certainly, but I think I may have already seen enough.  Sure, we haven't really seen him throw at all and his only start has come against a San Jose St squad that wasn't ready for the for the crushing running game (again); but aren't you a little excited?

I'll be the first to admit I felt the same exact level of excitement last season when Mitch Leidner romped all over SJSU to the tune of 151 yards and 4 touchdowns.  Leidner even passed the ball better (not exactly well) in that game going 7-12.

However, watching Streveler run the read option was a thing of beauty.  When he saw he could take the edge he just exploded out there like flippin' rocketship.  He's got speed and power and has shown the ability to make good decisions on the run.  He was named co-Big Ten freshman of the week with his 161 yards on the ground and now finds himself 3rd all-time for a Gopher single game rushing by a quarterback.

The passing obviously wasn't anything to write home about, but I have a few thoughts.  First of all, how many times have we all heard the old cliches about getting your quarterback a few completions early to get into the flow of the game?  Especially in big games like the Superbowl you'll hear about getting the quarterback a short completion or two just to ease the nerves.  I imagine Strev's nerves were at about an 11 for this game, and with only throwing the ball 7 times and just twice in the first half, it's hard to expect much at all.

That being said, the deep ball he threw was on target and certainly could have been caught, but the WRs are probably as cold as the QB is on plays like this.  There was another play that looked a little interference-y to me too.  It also seemed to me that Streveler was either making the right reads or his number one targets were getting open, which is good.  His release seemed quick, but a couple of the throws it looked like he threw them a tick too late and by the time the ball got there the receiver was no longer quite as open.  The good news on those types of things is that the arm is there, the release is there, its just getting a feel for the speed on the field.

We've also gotten a heavy dose of Streveler's personality in the past week.  His celebration on a monster run (which my drunken memory believes was called back, but who cares) was epic and he had this to say about it on twitter:

This is me wondering why I haven't completed a pass yet #gophers pic.twitter.com/c18W2lIMkW
— Chris Streveler (@cstrevy) September 21, 2014

He also was quoted in Marcus Fuller's blog comparing his game against SJSU to Leidner's from a year ago:

“Mitch and I were talking before the game on the similarities,” Streveler said. “I wasn’t really expecting to do anything like that, I was just trying to help the team to be honest. We were more talking about the passing game. I think he had 71 yards (last year vs. San Jose State) I had like seven, so he got me there. The rushing, I got him.”

That's good self-deprecation right there.  CStrevy has the funny.

For all of you saying you can't give up on Mitch Leidner yet, you're right.  However, we've seen much more of him throwing the ball and I'm starting to get a little worried it might not get better.  There's still plenty of time of course and when Mitch gets healthy I'll welcome him back.  For now, I hope Kill resists the urge to bring him back too soon and that his coy comments this week are typical gamesmanship.

When Mitch does return I would support playing both quarterbacks.  Let's keep getting Streveler touches (drives?) and let him be a the spark plug that he's shown to be so far.  All bets are off though if Streveler unleashes some bombs on Michigan in the Big House.

#TBT to when I fought in the civil war pic.twitter.com/W1gVmmQfl3
— Chris Streveler (@cstrevy) July 25, 2014

Company Matching for Gopher Athletics Drive

FIRST: This is informational only. Don't take anything here as gospel. This is informational only. Don't come back to me and say that I screwed you out of some tax shelter because I you got bad advice here. I'm not giving advice. This is informational only.

SECOND: Go http://www.giving.umn.edu/giving_opps/matching/index.html for details and all of the associated documents.  This site is informational only.

THIRD: This is informational only.

So, as you've no doubt heard, the public phase of the facilities campaign has kicked off with this fantastic site. It looks amazing and I've had facilitiesboner for going on 24 hours now. Anyway, you've probably read all about the splendor elsewhere; the point of this is to talk about fundraising - about which I know nothing. Specifically, I'll be talking about the company match. This is an overlooked aspect of fundraising, but the gist of it is many employers will match their employees contributions to charitable organizations. It just so happens, public colleges and universities are generally classified as such - this includes our beloved U of M.

I'll be listing some of the employers below, so if you happen to work at one and are considering donating to the facilities bonanza, make sure you fill out the necessary paperwork to get your company to match. It could go a long way to getting us to that $190MM mark.

This is informational only. Check with your company, accountant, tax advisor, attorney, God and whomever else before making any financial decision. This is informational only.

Company - Maximum match amount: URL for additional information. Unless otherwise noted, company match ratios are 1-1.

Ameriprise Financial - $2k: http://forms.matchinggifts.com/AmeripriseGuidelines.pdf

Best Buy - $1k: https://secure18.easymatch.com/bestbuy2/CustomerContent/common/Guidelines2.asp

Cargill - $2k: http://forms.matchinggifts.com/CargillGuidelines&Form.pdf

Carlson Companies - $1k: [not available]

Deluxe Corporation - $500: http://forms.matchinggifts.com/DeluxeCA.pdf

Donaldson Company - $1k: http://www.donaldson.com/en/about/content/032036.pdf

Ecolab - $1k: [not available]

General Mills - $5k: https://generalmills.yourcause.com/yourcause-sso/alternatelogin.aspx

Land O' Lakes - $1k: http://forms.matchinggifts.com/LandOLakesForm.pdf

Medtronic - $50k(!): http://forms.matchinggifts.com/MedtronicGuidelines.pdf

The Mosaic Company - $1k: http://forms.matchinggifts.com/MediaMosaic.pdf

Piper Jaffray - $1.5k: http://forms.matchinggifts.com/PiperJaffray14Guide.pdf

Securian - $2k: http://forms.matchinggifts.com/Securian.pdf

St. Jude Medical - $1k: http://www.sjm.com/corporate/careers/life-at-st-jude-medical/benefits-and-compensation

Supervalu - $500: http://www.supervalu.com/careers/employee-extras.html

Toro - $1k: [not available]

U.S. Bank - $1k: http://forms.matchinggifts.com/USBankForm.pdf

Xcel - $2k: https://secure1.easymatch.com/xcelenergygive/Applications/MatchingGifts/default.aspx?skip=guideline

3M - $250?: [lots of divisions - you'll need to figure this one out]


That's all the easy ones. If you've got any to add, holla at your boy!

Saturday's Talkers on Monday or Tuesday: Numerology and Epistemology

Well, you know Gopher football season is in full swing when the fan base has torn up the social contract and formed warring factions. The innertronz has been a rowdy place for the last few days as feuding parties have lobed small-pox ridden posts into opposing camps. The nuclear option for forum managers, the ban-hammer, has been used on posters who push antagonism to its limits. Right or wrong, this is where we end up. More on that in a bit.

Seven passing yards on seven attempts. Damarius Travis had an interception. His jersey number? Seven. Cobb ran for 6.1 yards per carry: 6 + 1 = 7. David Cobb and Chris Streveler were the only two Gophers with offensive yards until the 43^rd minute of the game. Cobb got all of his yards on 34 carries. 4 + 3 = 7. The final score was 27 – 7. Eerie, right?

Frothy the Seer believes the frequency of the number seven from last Saturday’s game is a positive omen for the team going forward. After reading up on numerology over the last three minutes, I’ve learned that seven is the perfect number and a symbol of divine abundance. Unless the divine is a fan of man boobs, dog farts and gout, this can’t be a bad thing. Further, the number seven suggests positive change and renewal following the completion of a cycle. My training in mysticism tells me we are now fully free from the decade of futility, the malignancy of those one- and three-win seasons burned from our cellular memory. The cycle is done, broken, and, in the words of the immortal Smashmouth, we could all use a little change.

Let’s hope the divine, the noumenal essence of number, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, DJ Khaled, Cerberus, John Galt and/or Sweet Baby Jesus are happy with this incarnation of the Gophers team, because there is a significant percentage of our fans who are not. At all.

Like I said, Gopher Nation has split apart into factions. And I mean faction in the traditional, Madison-esque shit coming straight at you from Federalist 10 sense of the word: “a number of citizens, whether amounting to a minority or majority of the whole, who are united and actuated by some common impulse of passion.” Now, Madison was referring to political factions, particularly those associated with property, and how a direct democracy or small republic may be unable cope with the vagaries of the human condition. Who cares about such ephemera? We’ve got real-life Gopher football factions!

We’ve got two fairly well-defined camps. While I’m sure neither camp represents a majority of Gopher fans, it makes for a better narrative if you pretend everyone is in one or the other. There is no Dana only Zuul, where we replace “Dana” with “gray area” and “Zuul” with “black or white.” What fun is pumping out opinions if you can’t use the written word to assault straw men and false dichotomies?

The issue at the heart of the disagreement is the offense. Not even sure why I typed that sentence because, if you’re one of the thirteen people who read this, you already know. The positions roughly break down into “shit, we’re fucked” or “settle down, we’re fine.”

We’ll start with the latter, which we’ll refer to going forward as ENJOY THE SEASON (ETS). These peeps are happy that we’re 3 – 1 and don’t understand why people are so angry. We dominated three of our four non-conference games and happened to run into a better team against TCU. While there may be some reservations about the Gophers’ offensive potential come conference play, the maxim here is we’ve done what we needed to do to win. Why do we need to do more than that for people to be happy?

Folks in this camp usually go for the counterpunch. They’ll wait for someone to open a vein about how angry they are that we have no passing game in year four, how the team isn’t any better than it was when Kill took over and how we’ll struggle to win a conference game with a one-dimensional offense, then strike. Their responses are usually pragmatic, if laced with condescension. Suggestions that we wait for nine months, only get 12, maybe 13 games, so it seems silly to be miserable even after winning. Threads about focusing on the positives rather than dwelling on the negative. Practicality is king.

The central premise for ETS is, effectively, that each game is an individual event rather than a progression from one to the next. Consequently, a strong or weak performance in one aspect of one game – or many games – has little to no bearing on how the team will perform in the following weeks. So, to ETS, less is known about the remainder of the schedule than is known. We should have a chance in every game, we have our strengths and weaknesses, as do our opponents. We’ve got good coaches who will figure it out, so let the season play out and savor the process regardless of the outcome. To worry about what will happen next week is akin to being frightened of the boogeyman – it’s merely a manifestation of fear of the unknown.

The offense, then, has had three good games and one poor one. It hasn’t been flashy, but it hasn’t needed to be flashy to get the job done. That we’ve been unable or unwilling to pass is moot – we haven’t needed to pass to win, and to win is the single important objective. Maybe we won’t be able to pass against Michigan and other B1G teams; but we don’t know that yet. Why worry about the monster under your bed when you’re outside on a beautiful summer day?

The other camp, the Oceania to ETS’s Eastasia, we shall refer to as FAHK. While there may be some measure of satisfaction that we’re 3 – 1, at the forefront of this faction’s mind is the Gophers offensive ineptitude. We are one dimensional and will be exposed against better defenses. TCU was a harbinger of the Gophers B1G season, where we go belly up when the running game is stopped. It’s nice to assert our will against lesser opponents, but that part of the season is done and what do we expect to do now?

FAHK is looking at the 2014 season as a repeat of the 2013 season through this point: maul FCS- and non-BCS-conference teams only to get shut down and pantsed against your real competition. Very recent history is on their side and, somehow, they’ll point out, the passing offense appears to have regressed even by last year’s low standards. Generally speaking, FAHK is more assertive in sharing this view and are genuinely piqued when confronted by arguments from ETS. There is dismay that this season is playing out identically to last season and others aren’t acknowledging it. Imagine you and some friends have seen two trains race toward each other on the same track and produce a fiery wreck. Now, some time later, you’re watching two trains on the same track, moving at full bore toward the same point, yet your friends state they don’t believe they will crash. You would have difficulty muting your disbelief. Past performance must be some indication of future result.

Thus, there is an air of certainty, a knowledge, of you will, associated with FAHK’s view on the program. We saw last year’s first five games and we’re suffering from the same pratfalls now as we did then. In fact, we’re objectively worse than we were in 2013 with respect to passing the ball. We played poorly in all four games and only won three because we outclassed them in talent – that won’t be the case going forward. Contrary to ETS, FAHK believes that past games are indicative of where the program is, that history is progressive and directional. FAHK isn’t afraid of the boogeyman. FAHK knows what ETS is calling the boogeyman is really a rabid St. Bernard who will chew your throat out. To suggest otherwise is to deny knowledge to make room for faith in the coaches.

So, who’s right? I’ll use the author’s prerogative, find a third way and say they’re both right and both wrong. I tend to agree with ETS that it’s absolutely worth celebrating any win. Guise, we’re not that far removed from losing to New Mexico State and the University of fucking South Dakota and here we are puling over what is, by any measure, three pretty dominant wins. None were terribly pretty, but we’re doing what decent teams are supposed to do and beating lesser opponents fairly decisively. 

I also think we’ve got more to the offense than we’ve shown thus far, so there’s an element of knowledge that’s missing at this point. Limegrover has shown he can be fairly creative; but only in instances where the game is of particular importance and we need to do things a little differently. None of the games this year have been that important, so we’ve been given the non-flavored gruel and we’ll damn well like it.

But I can’t accept there isn’t any cause for anxiety. This season is shaping up to be identical to 2013, where TCU played the part of last year’s Iowa. If that holds true going forward, this weekend’s game against Michigan will be uncomfortable. There is no way we get to six or seven wins as one dimensional as we are on offense. We are under 50% in completions and have two passing TDs versus five interceptions. We simply have to be further along in the maturity of this offense than we are right now. But we have seen no evidence that’s the case. Perhaps the coaches will open things up against Michigan and we’ll see a more robust passing game. But, again, there is nothing to support the belief that even if we did open things up, we have a quarterback on the roster who can execute it. Frankly, if you’re not a little bit concerned I want some of your Xanax.

So, here we are. Fighting amongst ourselves heading into one of the bigger games of the year. This is a game ripe for the taking, as Michigan is astoundingly weak offensively. They lead the nation in turnovers and we are second in takeaways. Santa Claus meets a greedy child. Hopefully, our friends in ETS are right, the coaches have been holding things back and we’ll run four verts for sixty minutes. Nothing will be held back in this game, so this time next week, we will know who will win our Gopher civil war.

(Frothy's starting word count: 24,241; Finishing word count: 26,018)

Friday Night Descent to the Fiery Depths of Despair - Pre-SJSU

Here we are. Another Friday night, another mountain of booze to drink to take the edge off. Things are still a little raw from last weekend. I mean, even a week later I still feel a little jilted. That’s totally not fair, of course; it’s one game and was probably a couple of standard deviations worse than we’ll play in any game for the rest of the year. But it’s hard to come into this game with a lot of swagger. Hence, the gallon of Bushmills I’ll be consuming tonight. Wheee.

I know nothing about SJSU other than their run defense wasn’t very good last year and David Fales no longer plays for them. I would typically lean on TRE’s astute analysis of this week’s opponent, but he’s been travelling this week and might not get one done. I could fill in, of course, since that’s what friendship in the bloglyfe is all about. But I’m way more about laziness than I am about friendship in the bloglyfe.

Here’s what I’ll say about SJSU: it’s a team we should definitely beat. We let them hang around in the first half last year, basically because Fales was using lasers and satellites and shit to hit his receivers where only they could make the catch. He was spitting fire, man. In the second half, we switched to some radical 3-1-7 defense and basically shut them down. Our offense may not have improved very much, particularly if last week was the benchmark of what we can expect going forward, but our defense is still solid. Since SJSU won’t have a bro on the team as talented as Fales using sorcery and time travel to make throws, we should be able to keep them contained defensively while flaying them with #RUTMs.

Two reasons why I’m confident we’ll win. SJSU has zero Apostrophe in Name Players. None! Do you even recruit SJSU? Also.

GERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRG

Effing Greg Robinson? Really, guise? I’m sure he’s a nice guy and probably throws a hell of a Christmas party, but dude has been anathema in college football for a decade. What the hell was the interview process?

SJSU: “Tell us about a time you were successful as a coach.”

Gerg: “Well, I was a pretty good defensive coordinator in the NFL. I coached the Broncos teams that won those Super Bowls.”

SJSU: “Wow, terrific. That’s great. That was when, again?”

Gerg: “1997 and 1998.”

SJSU: “Oh, okay. What have you done since then?”

Gerg: “Well, I helped Texas get their act together defensively last season under Mack Brown.”

SJSU: “Ah, yes, of course you did. What about in the intervening 15 years? What did you do over that period?”

Gerg: “Well, I was probably singlehandedly responsible for a lot of alcohol consumption and cirrhotic livers  in upstate New York and Michigan.”

SJSU: “Great, hired!””

Again, I’m sure he’s a great dude, but I’d seriously consider Kevin Effing Cosgrove before getting 

Gerg on as my defensive coordinator. Of course, now that I’ve said that, we’ll find out dude has become the Gary Kasparov of defensive minds and will hold us to 67 yards of offense. And then we’ll all wake up Sunday morning in a Gerg-induced haze.

*     *     *

So, it looks like Chris Streveler will get his first start tomorrow. That hasn’t been confirmed, but I’m at a 62% buzz and pretend is way easier at this point. I’m a little excited about it, to be honest. Got a guy I know who coached him in little league baseball who has nothing but great things to say about the kid. Dude is clearly a gamer: he skipped that pass at the end of last week’s game and was clearly beating himself up about it as he walked to the sideline. He seems like the kind of dude who, if he played tennis, would get called for racket abuse after missing shots on the reg. Big fan of people who would abuse their rackets.

Not sure what it is, but I’ve been a fan of his beyond the anecdotes from my buddy and belief that he’d need a dumpster full of tennis rackets to make it through a two-set match. He’s pretty obviously faster than any of our quarterbacks since, Gray (and he may be faster than senior-year Gray, who was pushing 250 at that point) and he can’t possibly be a worse passer than Leidner was last week. He has the makings of a Jordan Lynch-styled run-first-pass-when-you-respect-my-running-game quarterback. Maybe that style of quarterback isn’t what we want, but it’s the style of quarterback we deserve. As MV brilliantly articulated in his latest piece for The Daily Gopher, the Kill regime has failed to either recruit or develop (or both) a quarterback that appropriately fits their scheme. And it’s due to the vacillation between an option-oriented approach and a spread-based framework where passing is more critical to the success of the offense. Two different skillsets from a quarterbacking perspective are required and, until the coaches are set on a philosophy, it’s tough to define what we have at the position.

For my money, Strev is perfect for an option-based attack. He’s fast, appears to make the appropriate reads and is a gritty, tough player (gym rat, coach on the field, heady, etc.). He’s got a quirky throwing motion, but if he’s not operating as a traditional pocket passer, that’s not really the end of the world. I think that’s the sort of offense we’re going with tomorrow and we’ll have a quarterback controversy on our hands going into the Michigan game.

*     *     *

Oh, there’s an elephant in the room? Sweet, blessed injuries. We could field a nine-man roster with dudes currently on the injury report. We would change the name of our team to Minnesota-Bethune-Cockran to make it totally legit, too. Multiple hyphens make everything legit.

Cobber, Maxx, Epping. All dudes who are key to the success of this team, all suffering through some sort of injury. The best thing that could happen to us is to get up by a couple of scores early and get their backups in to make sure they’re healthy for the start of the B1G season. Couple of problems, though: I’m neither sure they’ll even be able to play nor that they’ll be healthy enough to produce at a high enough level to get us into a spot where they can be subbed. A lesser, injured Cobb or Maxx is probably superior to their backup; but playing them while injured risks a more serious injury. It’s just an ugly spot to be in.

The injuries make an anxiety-inducing situation all the more, uh, anxiety inducing. We’re already so, so young and adding more youth opens us up to a lot more negative downside. Frosh and sophomores just have a much higher propensity for eff ups, irrespective of their natural talent. I’ll be hitting it hard at tailgating tomorrow to pre-numb the potential pain.

(Frothy's starting word count: 23,080; Finishing word count: 24,241)

B1G Recap Week 3: #Gophers Fall on Their Furry Faces Edition

You guys, look how awesome Mayor Royce is...

Frankly, I'd rather turtle up with a bottle of bourbon than talk about the other teams, but I'm pot committed here in week 3.  One quick post-TCU gripe before we get into what happened elsewhere.

We've all heard the overwhelming narrative from the Gopher coaching staff.  It goes something like, "Sure we had some things that we need to fix, but did you see how freaking fast and awesome-o TCU is???  I mean they're very very good and probably should just move straight to the NFL."

This isn't the obligatory, we lost to a good team and we need to do better diatribe; this was more like we're Clay Davis illegally supporting Mayor Royce on his bid for re-election.  Sheeeeeit.  I just don't need us tripping over our dicks congratulating TCU on their way to the national title.  Especially because after SMU this week they get #4 Oklahoma, #7 Baylor and #25 Oklahoma State.  After those 3 games we'll know what TCU is about.  We'll also probably have a good idea how much of last week was our suck vs their OMGsuperawesome.

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West Virginia 40, Maryland 37

I watched the bulk of this one and it was fun as hell.  At first it was all Clint Trickett and thw Mountaineers, but Maryland came back from a 22 point deficit to make it a ballgame.  Then some back and forth culminating in a field goal for WVU as time expired to take it.  If you get a chance to watch Clint Trickett play QB, I highly recommend it.  He threw for 511 yards in this one and has 1,224 yards after 3 games.  He threw for 365 yards against Bama, so its no joke.  A lot (460) of those yards go to WR Kevin White, which is about 100 yards more than Leidner has.  /broken record

Maryland QB CJ Brown also recovered from a rough start to have a nice game.  He threw for 241 yards and ran for 161 yards, including a run for a 75 yard score and a pass for a 77 yard score.  


Favorite fan comment:

JOE:  ANTI-GUN--MARYLAND--SUCKS

I hope he's talking about the shotgun formation.

Next week:  @Syracuse
Prediction: Moar points


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Indiana 42, Bowling Green 45

James Knapke hit Roger Lewis with 00:19 on the clock to get the win for the Falcons.  Knapke threw the ball 73 times, but only for a 5.4 yards per attempt.  They still had 40 rushing plays and a 100 yard rusher in Travis Greene.  Quick goat math says that's 113 plays on offense for BG.  Wow.  Indiana got more bang for their buck as they had more total yards on 78 plays, but their D was doing them any favors.

For Indiana, Junior RB Tevin Coleman now has 437 yards and 5 TDs in two games.  He's still no Tevin Campbell. 

Favorite Fan Comment:

Anonymous: Yikes...BGSU look like animated endzone pylons.

Next week:  @ #18 Mizzou
Prediction: Frowny face

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Kent State 0, Ohio State 66



One week after TJ Barrett looked like haggis, he comes back and throws 6 TDs against the Golden Flashes.  More like Golden Flushes, amirite?

Favorite Fan Comment:

Joshua: Which is the bigger boost to Ohio State's SOS, pounding Kent St or E. Carolina pounding the team that beat Ohio St?

Next week: Bye week
Prediction: Barrett + Coeds =Beautiful Strong-Armed Babies

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Iowa St 20, Iowa 17

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh-hahahaha.  So, for the second half of the Gopher game we went to the bar to numb the pain/watch the bitter end.   As a bonus, this particular bar had the Iowa game on and the audio playing as well.  There were several obnoxious Iowa fans that I got to watch bellow and holler as the Cyclones beat them at home.  It was better than any amount of booze I could consume; but that didn't stop me from giving a strong effort.

Mark Weisman, was unimpressive again with 16 carries for 49 yards.  Maybe he only runs well against the Gophers? 

Favorite Fan Comment:

Rubberhead: I really hope they stop this series, playing ISU is like sticking your face in a pile of crap. Nobody ever wants to play ISU, it doesn't do any good. THey suck, and have ALWAYS sucked. And if they do beat you, then your entire week is a kick in the nuts.

Next week: @Pitt
Prediction: Wannstedt gone, but mustache still haunts locker rooms.

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Miami OH 10, Michigan 34

Gardner Finds Butt, Teehee!

Gardner looked solid and the Michigan defense was great, holding Miami OH to 198 yards for the game.  Soph RB Derrick Green had a good game after being completely shut down against Notre Dame.  He more than double his total yards for the year by gaining 170 on the ground.  Sophomore TE Jake Butt had his first 3 catches of the year, one for the TD in the gif above. 

Favorite Fan Comment:

stan b: I wanted to support Coach Hoke, but Blue is not prepared. Let the recruitment for Harbaugh begin. Restore the tradition and pride. Go Blue

Next week: vs Utah
Prediction: Michigan loses, Hoke eats an entire pint of ice cream during the presser and cries.
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Illinois 19, Washington 44

Have you noticed how many Shaqs or Shaquilles or other variations of Shaq that are out there now?  Kind of cool if you're Shaq I guess, but it also makes me feel really old.

Anyway, Illinois had 3 turnovers including an interception return for TD by Shaq Thompson.  Illinois QB Wes Lunt was also sacked 4 times in the game.  Meanwhile, Washington QB Cyler was extremely efficient and the Husky running game ground the Illini D into paste.

Favorite Fan Comment:

polly: I was angry that I could not see the illini game - now I do not want to watch this team the rest of the year... cancel the program at Illinois and add basket weaving

Next week: vs Texas State
Prediction: Illinois is favored by 14, but UTSA could shock!  They were relatively close against Navy.

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Purdue 14, Notre Dame 30

Purblah.

Next week: vs Southern Illinous
Prediction: Tickets still available!
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Penn State 13, Rutgers 10

So much weird.

A Tale of Two Low Scoring Halves

First half:  Rutgers 10, PSU 0
Second half: PSU 13, Rutgers 0

I thought this was going to be a shootout, but sadly it was not so.  Hackenburg and Nova had been stat machines up until this matchup and while Hackenburg had 300 yards, he was unable to get a TD through the air and the run by Belton with less than two minutes remaining was the only Nittany Lion touchdown.  Gary not so Super Nova was even worse.  He was 15-30 passing, sacked 3 times and 5 interceptions. 

Favorite Fan Comment:

Ken:  Gary F*ckup Nova loses another one for Rutgers. LMAO. A senior QB not knowing where the line of scrimmage is, panicking time after time for no reason, throwing 5 interceptions, unable to do anything in the second half - what's so funny is that after a few more of these, the idiot Flood will hold an "open" competition and then solemnly declare that Nova gives them their best chance to win. What a screwed up program.

Next week: vs Southern Illinous
Prediction: Tickets still available!

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Nebraska 55, Fresno State 19

 How's this for an all-namer:

Garrett Swanson punted. De'Mornay Pierson-El returned punt for 86 yards (Drew Brown made PAT)

Abdullah was good, Armstrong was good, the defense was pretty good too.  Good all-around game for the Pellinikittehs.

Favorite Fan Comment:

Yep: Nebraska got a wakeup call last week. Plus Fresno has one of the worst defenses in the country. 59-24 is my prediction.

Guy almost nails it!

Next week: vs Miami (does |__| fingers)
Prediction: Nebraska favored and now #24.  This is a good test.

Saturday's Talkers on Monday or Tuesday: Post-TCU

We covered a lot of what I would typically say in our Saturday’s Talkers on Monday or Tuesday piece in the “Catharsis” blog on Sunday. Nevertheless, there’s been a great deal of chatter about the Gophers over the last few days. That’s not the slightest bit surprising, since their performance didn’t exactly engender a lot of goodwill. Frankly, I’m still not sure what to make up Saturday’s game. There was an awful lot that went wrong, not a lot that went right and I, like many of you, are kind of stuck in a swirl of negativity.

I guess two related things stand out for me. First, as I said in the Sunday piece, I really think TCU’s defense is pretty good. If we work under that assumption, that TCU’s defense is say, ranked in the top ten or 15 in the country, then a lot of our anxiety associated with our offense of performance is mitigated. We’re a good team, certainly better than a couple of years ago, maybe or maybe not better than last year, but we’re not yet good enough to compete with a top 10 defense. We saw it last year against Wisconsin and Michigan State: we just don’t yet have the power up front to run the ball against elite defenses and our passing game is too unrefined to crack that nut yet. I thought we’d be improved this season, meaning we’d have a better chance to move the ball against an elite defense, but that clearly wasn’t the case on Saturday.

Now, I think it’s totally fair question to ask whether that’s appropriate in year four of the Kill regime, and that’s the second thing that stood out to me: the total lack of imagination on offense. As we come to expect over the last three seasons, about 70% of our offense is runs up the middle (#RUTM). That’s fine, it’s irritating, highly, highly irritating, but I get it. Our bread and butter is going to be exerting our will on opposing defenses, and the most effective way to do that is to piss pound the other team through the A gaps. But, in instances like Saturday, where we have absolutely no success doing that over an extended period of play, maybe let’s try something else. Maybe try and test the edges of the defense. Maybe a sweep, maybe a bubble screen to Berkeley or Jones, anything. I know the TCU’s defense was fast, remember were assuming that they’re a top 10 or 15 defense in the country. Hell, you wouldn’t even need to run a sweep; just fake the damn thing. Something, anything, to stretch the defense laterally.

So, yeah, that’s what I think. There is an irrational part of me, a part that I usually try to smother with a pillow in its sleep, the one I try to drink away on weekends, that has this awful, awful theory. Maybe we didn’t bust out the whole playbook again. Maybe we saw TCU on tape, realized that they were far , far superior to what we would be able to manage, given the circumstances and decided to hold our cards for another day. Maybe we didn’t test the edges because we don’t want to give too much away. Maybe we didn’t think the jet sweep to stretch the defense because we’re holding it back for a game where we have a better chance to win. Maybe we assumed this was a loss and played it as such.

Yeah, yeah it’s absurd. That theory doesn’t explain the piss poor performance of the line. That doesn’t explain the inability of our wide receivers to consistently get separation from TCU’s defensive backs. That doesn’t account for our quarterback’s inability to recognize and connect with our receivers when they did manage to get open. The chances are much greater that we just kind of sucked. It could have been injuries across the offense of line, it could’ve been nerves associated with this year’s first road game, it could’ve been just a lack of execution with no real explanation. Regardless, it’s a moribund time for the program when a hypothesis that we didn’t even try is preferable to the reality where we probably gave it our all. That first loss of the year always cuts the deepest, doesn’t it?

*     *    *

I’ve done a pretty good job of culling the Twitter herd over the last couple of years. That’s not to say that you should be offended if I don’t follow you; believe me, it’s a me problem, not a you problem. I have a difficult enough time managing my own sanity throughout the course of the Gopher football season without having to contend with some of the outrageous slings and arrows you all throw the program. I love you all, very dearly; but the bipolar tendencies of the media, and more often than not our own fans, are just a bit too much at times. Most times, as a matter of fact.

Case in point are what I really hope to be a very tiny, yet extraordinarily vocal contingent who began calling for the firing of Jerry Kill after the TCU game. Yes it was a frustrating game, the team, frankly, looked terrible, but it’s absurd to consider firing anyone after one game, no matter how bad it was. We’re but one season removed from a .500 conference record, the best we’ve done in a decade. We won four consecutive conference games for the first time in my life, and I’m probably closer to death than I am birth. The defense is the best it’s been in 15 years and there’s seemingly talent there to keep it going for at least another couple.

Yes, the offense has been uninspiring and the offensive line hasn’t developed quite as quickly as we’d all hoped. But, whoever you are that has totally given up faith in the Kill regime, you need to disabuse yourself of the notion that the answer is always hitting the reset button and starting over. A bad game does not necessarily portend a bad season. Hell, even if this season turns into a never-ending tire fire, a Fukushima-styled eruption of spent nuclear fuel and glowing maroon ash, Kill still ain’t getting fired. Maybe, maybe, if the season goes completely sideways we could see a change in personnel on Kill’s staff; but that’s much more likely to be a reassignment of personnel than a firing of one of his existing coaches and replacement by an external hire.

We were an absolute embarrassment of a program for the better part of five years in the late 00s and early 10s. We have finally reached some measure of stability and respectability as a program. Maybe it’s all part of the terrible ruse, where we slowly get better over three years, enjoy our best season in a decade and then fall off the face of the earth. It’s possible. Though, again, there’s nothing in Kill’s history to suggest that will happen. Will he ever win the big game and get us to the Rose Bowl? Truthfully, there’s nothing in his history to suggest he’ll do that either.

But it’s his fourth season and we’re coming off of a year where we did quite a few things we hadn’t done in a while. Maybe take a step back and let things play out a bit. We won’t ever get to where we all want to go if our first move after a setback, temporary or permanent, is to grab the torches and pitchforks and call for purity through bloodletting.

If it all goes to shit in two years, I promise I’ll be the first one offering a mea culpa and metaphorically opening my own veins as penance. So shut up for now, please. 

(Frothy's starting word count: 21,771; Finishing word count: 23,080)

Catharsis: Post-TCU

Well, that certainly wasn’t the game we were all hoping for. I figured we'd probably lose, but I was really surprised with the way it all went down. Maybe that’s a mistake on my part, certainly the first two games offered no indication that we would have any semblance of a balanced offense. But, I figured it given the inferior opposition we were up against in Eastern Illinois and Middle Tennessee State there was at least a chance, maybe a good chance, that we were holding the bulk of our playbook back. As I had been saying all week, one of two things was going to happen: either we had some pretty decent cards and were holding them uber close to the vest going into the TCU game or we were spectacularly limited with respect to offensive diversity and would explode in a blinding hot flash of ineptitude. Pretty safe to say the latter came to pass yesterday.

It wasn’t that we lost, it was the way that we lost. I certainly fall on the optimistic side of the spectrum, and even I didn’t hold out a great deal of hope that we were going to win the game yesterday. Despite TCU’s 4-8 record last season, I think they’re pretty good team. They’re loaded with upperclassman on defense, talented upperclassman too, and in today’s college football world that’s going to win you a lot of games by itself. They were limited offensively, but given our complete inability to move the ball their offense really didn’t need to do too much. In the instances where they weren’t given a short field, our defense was typically able to keep them off the scoreboard. Unfortunately, through turnovers and poor special teams play, that wasn’t the case very often.

I just didn’t expect in year four of Jerry Kill’s program we’d lose games in the manner in which we lost this one. Through the first half of the game there were literally no positives to take away. Our offensive line failed to generate any meaningful push, our quarterback play was beyond terrible, we couldn’t hold onto the ball, our special teams was poor and our play calling, at least on the offensive side, was remarkably uninspired. In short, this was Iowa 2013 revisited. (It’s all a little hazy, but if my memory serves me right, I pretty much quit the team after that loss. There’s no danger of that happening right now, though it may be better for my psychological health. I’m upset, but I’m not irate.) Following that loss, the collective Gopher spirit was as broken as it had been since Tim Brewster was canned. Many, including myself, were having a great deal of difficulty finding another win on the schedule. I don’t believe we’re quite at those levels of despair right now, but I definitely have my concerned pants on.

This was a bad loss, a really bad loss. But I don’t think we’ll know quite how bad it was until we’ve seen TCU play a few more games. If TCU’s defense plays as well over the coming weeks as they played against us, they may legitimately be a very good team. By with what they showed yesterday their defensive line and linebackers are more than capable of stopping the run. They are fast, make good reads, and don’t commit a lot of errors. It’s not beyond the realm of possibility, that TCU’s defense will be the best we’ll see all season. Certainly, Ohio State will have something to say about that, but I haven’t seen much from our Big Ten competition to suggest that any are defensively elite. If TCU competes for the Big 12 title, or is at least in the conversation a few weeks into the conference slate, then we can conclude that this loss, maybe, wasn’t as bad as it feels today. We may find that we are a decent to good team, and TCU is a good to great team.

This is certainly grabbing at the most optimistic of straws. We will have had a chance to see our Gophers play a few times before we know whether TCU is an elite team. If we lose to San Jose State next weekend, get smoked by Michigan the following week or lose either of the next two games after Michigan (Northwestern and Purdue, both at home), we’ll know that we’re probably not even decent team. Frankly, we just have to hope that yesterday was an aberration. If we are truly as limited as we saw yesterday with respect to passing the ball, it’s tough to see us getting to six wins this season. Yes, TCU may have an elite defense; but we weren’t even close to producing anything through the air. Elite defenses don’t make you consistently throw the ball a full three feet from where you should be placing it (sure, a quarterback will be pressured and under that pressure miss his spot; but there weren’t more than three or four passes in the entire day yesterday that were on target - that’s more on the quarterback’s abilities then it is the quality of the defense). Further, there were at least two instances yesterday were one of our wide receivers was left wide open and the quarterback failed to identify him. If that’s going to be the modus operandi of our quarterbacks, then let’s just wander collectively up to Duluth and be consumed by the cold depths of Lake Superior.

For those who keep track of such things, yes, I was wrong. I genuinely thought that the Gophers had figured out a way to cure the offensive diseases they had last year. I watched Leidner in the open practices and it really looked like he knew what he was doing. He was poised, he checked down on occasion, he made the appropriate reads. I thought he played well at times last season, and with those incremental improvements he would be a middle of the pack Big Ten quarterback. While that still may be the case, we have seen absolutely nothing to suggest that’s what will happen. And today we learned that he now has a broken foot and his availability over the next few weeks is in question.

Now it’s up to Chris Streveler. I saw him in practice too, and he didn’t look as good as Mitch. While he appears to be super athletic I didn’t get the sense that he had a firm grasp of the offense at this point. No shame in that, he’s only been in the program for one season. About all that we can hope for, is that he’s a gamer whose best doesn’t come out in the practice environment (cue Allen Iverson). He’s certainly fast, so when he pulls the ball down and runs his speed can be a difference maker.

But we don’t run the triple option, we need our quarterbacks to throw the ball, preferably on target. Even yesterday, he would take his drop, look for a second or two, pull the ball down and run. Basically meaning that if his first receiver wasn’t open he wasn’t going to hang around and check down. There’s nothing wrong with this per se, though it obviously isn’t ideal – again, we need our quarterbacks to actually throw the ball. But the next option on the bench is probably Jacques Perra, a walk-on true freshman. If Streveler is consistently running with the ball, it’s only a matter of time until he gets hurt. I don’t know about you, but I’m not the slightest bit comfortable with trusting the offense to a true freshman quarterback. He might be the greatest quarterback in the Big Ten, who knows? But he’s had all of about seven weeks of the program, and almost certainly is limited in terms of his understanding of the offense.

So, there we are. We got our first loss out of the way in the typical Gophers nuclear holocaust style. I’d say our chances of winning the national championship, or even qualifying for the playoffs, are probably pretty limited right now. But we already knew that. We’re now back in the business of buying hope. Hoping that we see an offensive of renaissance similar to what we saw against Nebraska last year. Hoping that the true and redshirt freshman who now, frighteningly, comprise a fairly significant percentage of our two deeps, can stay fit and healthy and relatively free of mental breakdowns. Hoping that somehow, some way, we can take advantage of this historically bad Big Ten conference, and make some noise until late November.

This was one game. A bad, bad game, but only one game. It shouldn’t define the rest of the season. Here’s to hoping it won’t.

(Frothy's starting word count: 20,313; Finishing word count: 21,771)