Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Gopher Widows - Life Ain't So Bad

So, believe it or not, we have lady friends. Like, actual women that want to be with us without charging a fee. They have taken to calling themselves "Gopher Widows" due to our commitment to Gopher football.  In our opinion, they have it pretty easy. It's not like we're Nebraska fans. We don't travel to every single game and treat each one like it was the Super Bowl (but it's badass that they do). As our first joint post, we'd like to illustrate how they don’t have it so rough. Here's a list of ten reasons why being a Gopher Widow is preferable to most other teams. May they never, ever read it.

  1. No demand for Gopher athletic gear. Therefore, it's on sale quite a bit at traditional outlets and, truthfully, a bro could outfit himself exclusively from Mill’s Fleet Farm (they must get that ish on the cheap as a bonus for being the sole distributor of Rustler jeans). And you can pick up a sweet, non-ironic trucker hat. Gopher Widow Benefit: Jing in the bank.
  2. Maroon and gold colors aren't that bad. We could be Oregon fans, for chrissakes, and all of our clothes would be the color of a lanced boil. Plus, if maroon and gold are good enough for the Song Girlz, they’re good enough for us. Gopher Widow Benefit: Tastefully attired menfolk.
  3. We usually stop watching away games by halftime when we're down 30. This isn’t entirely true. We stay engaged until the bitter, bitter end. But we are capable of paying the Widows a modicum of attention when we’re not clubbing baby seals as a sacrifice to Jo-bu for an 80-yard Stoudermire kickoff return. Gopher Widow Benefit: More game-day cuddle time.
  4. Too embarrassed to follow the team on road games. Again, not entirely true. But supporting a team with minimal success over the last 50 years doesn’t lend itself well to rolling into Iowa City or Anne Arbor and throwing out SWAGGERBOMBZ What’s the fun in that? Gopher Widow Benefit: More weekends available for household chores.
  5. No bowl games to worry about. We could be dropping a stack or two a year heading to Pasadena or Florida to see the Gophers in major bowl games. Suffice it to say, we’re not doing that; this leaves a lot more money to feed the kids, pay the rent and get our Amway distributorship up and running. Double Diamond, beeetches! Gopher Widow Benefit: Can take non-football related vacations. Amway.
  6. "Rivalries" are all one-sided, so there's no danger of getting in fights with opposing fans. To paraphrase King Fabulous, not all of us will shoot, but all of us will thump. This isn’t a factor, though, since our rivals mostly look at us like that one dog that doesn’t have front legs, so he hops around everywhere: a nice, cute story; but totally harmless. Most opposing fans just look at our passion with pity. Gopher Widow Benefit: No late-night calls to bail menfolk out of the clink.
  7. Post game drinking is usually to drown our sorrows, so it's not like we're up all night partying. Losing to OSU by 40 isn’t exactly conducive to heading to the nearest VIP room, popping bottles of Cris and snorting blow from the ass crack of a stripper. No, we go to our respective homes, turn the lights off and cry while finding comfort in the sweet embrace of the one thing that will never leave us: bourbon. Gopher Widow Benefit: No $22,000 bar tabs, cocaine addiction or glitter on clothes.
  8. Goldy. He’s cute. We could support MSU or Purdue and have effing Sparty or that creepy dude with the plastic hammer. Plus homeboy wins national championships in whatever it is that mascots compete with each other in. You’ve got it good here, ladies. Gopher Widow Benefit: Clothing with mascot that doesn’t look like a muscle-bound pedophile.
  9. Pantherhawk hates the Gophers: This is undoubtedly an indirect benefit, but has to be mentioned. When a light-saber-wielding, Arby’s-loving, never-felt-the-touch-of-a-woman douchespray has made it his life’s mission to disparage a team, support of said team is necessarily a good thing and benefit to all. Gopher Widow Benefit: Helping humanity oppose that vile bugger.
  10. We have an extra ticket. In the event we ever contend for something meaningful, the Widows will have first crack at the extra ticket we have in our group. They may limit the drunjfun to some extent, but the $500 per game they’ll be paying us for the ticket is just as good as some random bro from StubHub. Gopher Widow Benefit: Open seat on the bandwagon.


  1. Hilarious. Well done.

  2. As a Gopher Widow, I have a few comments.

    1. I, personally, encourage the road games. Especially when the alternative is coming home drunk, drowning your sorrows in bourbon, passing out on the couch with bourbon and "Goldy Shot" fumes hanging in the air, and spending the entire next day in a depressed, hungover, useless, recovering funk. Road up, boys! Really explore your space!

    2. I somewhat resent the "limit the drunjfun" comment because hello, I AM THE DRUNJFUN. Also, said drunjfun is the only reason I would want to go, ever. Furthermore, after the drunjfun I'd likely put my ass in a cab and go home because if I remember correctly, you can't drink in the stadium which means there is absolutely zero reason for me to be there. I hear they play football but as far as I'm concerned there's no reason to be any part of that.

    3.You're right about the Gopher Gear. Last week in a fancy shop where the cheapest T-shirt was $32, I found a Gopher T-shirt for $10. I bought it and will sport it proudly because I am a supportive GW.