Week 2: Arbitrary B1G Power Poll

Well SURPRISE SURPRISE! I made it a second week! 

1) Iowa (Last Week: 8): Seriously already so sick of you. Congrats on beating up two kids on the short bus. You're a real bully. I think the thing I’m most thankful for is that most of your fanbase still hasn’t heard of the internet so I don’t have to hear from your dumpy asses as often as the Bagder fans.

2) Northwestern (LW: 2) : What in the actual hell was that? I'm not sure what's more embarrassing: losing to an IN-STATE FCS school, or having said FCS school dwarf you in attendance. Fan bases are supposed to be excited after 10 win seasons. Must have been a wine-tasting Saturday. Seriously, pull your shit together.

3) Purdue (LW: 9): I actually feel bad for you. It occurred to me that your entire existence probably feels like the Tim Brewster era. I can’t even make a joke about that. It’s awful. 

4) Minnesota (LW: 6): I forgot my flask so I had to drink your $8 beers again, but it was such a nice day that nobody came to the game so the lines were short. Our fan base is the f**king worst.

5) PSU (LW: 12): I cannot even believe how good of a fit Pat Narduzzi is for your program. A hard-nosed, defensive minded coach. Just the perfect personality for your program. And add to that the fact that he's never covered up for a child molester? 2018 is going to be so awesome. 

6) Maryland (LW: 14): Boring

7) Ohio State (LW: 4): Boringer

8) Michigan (LW: 5): Putting up 50 points on Florida is quite an accomplishment. I mean, that’s a solid opponent from a decent conf… what’s that? Oh. CENTRAL Florida. You mean, the Central Florida Knights who went 0-12 last season? THAT Central Florida? Boringest.

9) Nebraska (LW: 11): Maybe you could try to wake up in the first half against Oregon this week?

10) Rutgers (LW: 3): Hi. Remember that time you were down 14-0 to Howard? (Also, I LEGITIMATELY forgot to write about you until I couldn't figure out why I only had 13 teams listed. You're like the Big Ten's version of flossing.)

11) Illinois (LW: 10): Fedora’d

12) Indiana (LW: 13): This has seriously gotten so boring. I can’t even write about Indiana. I can’t wait for the conference schedule to start. I think next year I’m just going to start doing this once the B1G games start. Next year. Yeah, that’ll happen. I’m already taking next week off.

--) Michigan State (LW: 7): If you're not even going to bother to play a game you're getting moved down 6 spots but I won't even give you the satisfaction of a number. Still, you're not getting last place because Wisconsin still exists.

14) Wisconsin (LW: 1): Beating Akron is pretty exciting right? That win over LSU is looking less impressive by the day. I don’t know anybody who is sold on you… except you. Also, I’m putting you 14^th because I just learned about someone called TSpeth5 on Off Tackle Empire. He’s like a perfect microcosm of every one of your smug fans and I now hate everything and everyone because of him.

You can find me on Twitter @jdmill