Week 4 y'all! I feel refreshed after that bye week. Conference play kicked off this week. Arbitrary power poll below, blah blah blah, you know the drill.
1) Iowa (Last Week: 1): Remember when you were in elementary school and you’d get in trouble for throwing a spit-ball or setting a bathroom on fire? For my 5th grade teacher this meant you had to sit on a stool in front of the class for the entire day. No dunce cap. No beatings. Just sit there on a stool up front and let everyone look at your stupid ass all day long. This is the same treatment you’re getting, Iowa. Losing to NDSU is one thing, but struggling the very next week with BUTTgers? To top it all off, because you couldn’t adequately take care of your business, now the Iowa/MN game in two weeks is an 11am kickoff. Dicks. To the head of the class for you, Hawkeyes.
2) ASSgers (LW: 10): So I says to the guy, the guy I'm dancing with, “What kind of a bar is this anyway?!?!”
3) Indiana (LW: 12): Here’s the thing with dirt track racing, according to my friend that actually races dirt track Modifieds: It’s not necessarily the fastest car that wins, it’s the car that has the best traction. Every once in a while a car that doesn’t usually win much will suddenly be in a series of races, or maybe in a particularly big race, and suddenly their car will be unbelievable. When this happens the speculation always comes out that maybe that guy “soaked his tires.” Now I don’t know enough about it, but apparently you can literally soak tires in something that will make them more tacky on a dirt track. Anyway, I think Indiana was soaking their tires for a couple of weeks, but now their back to being shitty again.
4) Purdue (LW: 3): What color is that, honestly? It’s not gold. It’s not really yellow either. What’s that supposed to be? Sort of a cross between piss yella’ and puke green, ain’t it?
5) PSU (LW: 5): At 5:30 in the morning on a Saturday when you're still drunk from the night before there's a certain novelty to being awake. But at 6:45 when you're an hour from home and you're driving and you're still drunk from the night before, somehow the novelty wears off. Especially when you realize that normal, non-elderly, people are actually waking up around that time.
6) MSU (LW: not ranked): You had one job.
7) Northwestern (LW: 2): I once knew a guy who won enough money to build a deck on his house by winning an online Blackjack tournament. This was in like 2001 when we barely realized that online gambling even existed. And we’re talking like three grand this guy won. He wasn’t trying to win the money to build the deck. He just won the money and then decided his wife might like it if they used it to build a deck. I would assume he’s still a much better human being than I am.
8) Minnesota (LW: 4): You know that thing you do? Yeah, that thing. That thing where you just suddenly completely change? Yeah, that’s a little tough on the ticker for some of us. I mean, don’t get me wrong, having an offense that kind, like, actually do some stuff is cool. I enjoy that part. But the part where you were supposed to have a strong defense and then… well, yeah. Shit. This is about the beer sales again isn’t it?
9) Nebraska (LW: 9): There are two things that my wife hates that I would put into the category of “Stuff Lots of Other People Like or At Least Are Indifferent To.” One is Led Zeppelin and the other is Corvettes. She says Corvettes are like assholes, everybody has one. Which is funny because between us we have two assholes, but we have zero Corvettes.
10) Wisconsin (LW: 14): DIAF.
11) Michigan (LW: 8): I’ve lost interest for this week.
12-14): OSU, Maryland, Illinois. /fart noise