So by "every week," I mean every week that is this week. This was a lot easier when there were only 11 teams.
1) Wisconsin: Best win of week 1 and it’s not even close. Anybody who tells you they saw an LSU letdown coming is lying. Revisionist history. LSU isn’t going to be as good as a lot of people thought, and maybe Wisconsin isn’t a team that’s going to set the world on fire, but for one week, they made the B1G proud. Also, I still hate them, so don’t at me.
2) Northwestern: I mean… a one point loss to a MAC team isn’t the worst thing you can possibly do. But considering you are the only B1G team to lose a game in Week 1 except for Rutgers, and your fan base has been claiming you’d challenge for a division championship this year… this isn’t a good look. Having said that, it couldn’t have happened to a more self-aggrandizing bunch. You’re number two because I’m still giggling.
3) Rutgers: Says here you managed a field goal in the first half to go into halftime down 34-3. Now Washington is ranked in the Top 10. Do you see what you've done? I’m guessing it has something to do with the fact that you had to fly across the country and the time change and whatnot. Right? Oh, I’m sorry, what’s that? You scored the last 10 points of the game? Here, you’ve won the Tim Brewster Dumbest Sports “Well Actually” Award.
4) Ohio State: I always enjoy that thing where we’re supposed to be overly impressed by a 50+ point win by a great Power 5 team over a G5 team. Just like nobody should be patted on the back for sticking around to raise their kids (because that’s your damn job), nobody should be patting OSU on the back for beating Bowling Green by 67 points (again, that’s your damn job.) But you get number 4 because I said so.
5) Michigan: See “4) Ohio State.” You beat Hawaii. That and a nickel will get you a gumball. A gumball that your creepy coach will probably just hand off to some starry-eyed recruit which you’ll defend by saying he’s going above and beyond. Reminder: the phrase “strangers with candy” is not a term of endearment.
6) Minnesota: Knock that shit off. Seriously. What the hell? Could we just win a game that we are supposed to win by a margin that doesn’t make me want to fall over in the fetal position sucking my thumb? At this point the only thing I can come up with is that you’re keeping these home games close to keep the beer sales respectable. Well, JOKE’S ON YOU… I’m bringing a flask to the next game. FACE!
7) Michigan State: You’re box score reminds me of a “Friends” episode. (Pat yourself on the back if you get that joke.) You struggled with freaking Furman. Listen, I know a few people who went to Furman and they don’t even like to admit it. Their greatest athletic achievement, prior to giving you fits, was having equal numbers of men’s and women’s sports.
8) Iowa: I’ll admit it, you looked good, and I was going to give you a Top 5, but this business with Kurt Ferentz and his contract extension is amazing. I mean, this is the Joe Mauer contract extension of college football. If Iowa gets out of Kurt, going forward, what the Twins have gotten out of Joe Mauer, I look forward to his transition to Defensive Backs coach.
9) Purdue: Nice win. It means nothing. Hazell has never lost a home opener and we know what kind of omen that has been. And by the way, you guys talk about how great of an engineering school you have. I recently met an engineer in Indiana and when I asked him if he went to Purdue he laughed at me. Heartily. It was embarrassing. Turns out Purdue isn’t even the best engineering school IN THE STATE OF INDIANA. Something called Rose-Hulman kicks your ass. I wonder if they play football.
10) Illinois: Weeeeelllll. Look. At. You! A 49-point win in Lovie Smith’s first game back in college. Pretty slick Illinois. Great for you to get off to a good start. Feelin’ good about yourselves I bet. But seriously, I can’t even fathom how bad Murray State must be.
11) Nebraska: All I’m going to say is that lining up without a Punter in tribute to Sam Foltz was a damn fine gesture. Good on ya.
12) Penn State: The inaugural game of the 3rd Annual It-Seems-Like-This-James-Franklin-PSU-Team-Should-Be-Better campaign started a little slow, but you came around. There’s no shame in only being up by a FG to a MAC team at halftime, especially how you finished. Now, continuing to hang onto Joe Paterno’s legacy? That’s shameful.
13) Indiana: Your defense was directly responsible for almost half of your 33 points. You were losing to FIU at the beginning of the 4th quarter. Things seem to be going according to plan?
14) Maryland: There’s literally nothing worthwhile to say about your win. You crushed probably the worst team that the B1G got to play in week 1. Howard won a single game in 2015 and the team they beat (Savannah State) was a 1-win team as well.
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