Sweet sassy, Saturday was fun. For three quarters, it looked like a hard-fought effort by the boys in maroon was going to come up short. Improbably tied 7-7 at the half, in the third quarter the Fighting Pantherhawks outscored us 14-3, providing what I figured was an insurmountable lead going into the final set. I resigned myself to a moral victory: Floyd would leave us, but at least we weren't humiliated. I still bear the 55-0 mark of the beast from the 2008 debacle, after all.
And then something magical happened. Like a flying fucking unicorn impaling the rapists from 'Deliverance,' MarQueis Gray emerged from the ash heap of Gopher football to do battle with the unwashed Iowegians. Throughout the fourth quarter, Q was my Jesus. He found open receivers, made some solid adjustments at the line and channeled THE RUN from last year to score the go-ahead touchdown. Add a sweet onside kick, some tenacious runs from Du'ane Bennett and a crowd in The Bank as lively as they've been in three years and, against all hope, Floyd was staying home. Fun times, indeed.
Almost more fun, though, has been the reaction to the loss by Iowa fans. After a Hateweek full of mocking and ridiculing the state of our program, their boards have gone nuclear after the loss. The best is that their assessment of the 2011 Gophers was largely correct: we are an absolute clown show right now. Employing our patented Broken Condom defense, our in-conference points allowed had to be shown in scientific notation and our offense, well, there isn't enough ketamine in the world to numb the pain of watching that farce for the first half of the season.
Yep, Iowa fanboyz, you were spot on last week: we are the worst BCS conference team. There are no doubt a fair share of FCS teams that would be more than capable of coming into our house, penetrate our hapless team like a piston dick and parade the last semblance of Gopher pride through Dinkytown like a limp, dessicated fetus. We are an embarrassment to the B1G. We are a blight on college sports. We are an abortion, the worst Gopher team in a storied history of ignominy. And we still beat you.
And how do you respond, Iowa, to this disgraceful showing? You demand the head of your coach. You write open letters warning Ferentz of the dangers of failed expectations. You warn him that Auburn and Tennessee did not tolerate the shortcomings of their coaches, even those who enjoyed success, and you are of a like mind. Change or begone, you say; you can find another coach to take the place of this stubborn old man.
But you are not Auburn or Tennessee, neighbors to the south. You are Iowa. You will not find a coach more competent and capable than Kirk. He may have his pratfalls, but you are lucky to have him. You can pine for all of the unemployed ubercoaches, but Urban Meyer has as much interest in coming to Iowa as Chris Petersen did in coming to Minnesota. You may want him. You may think he wants you. But the rest of us know that's just the meth talking. You're Iowa, after all.
There's no delicate way to say this, so I'll cut to the chase. Iowa is the Wall Drug of college football. A novelty surrounded by a sea of nothing. Yeah, people come to see you and bedazzle their cars with your swag, but it's because you're the only show in town. Iowa is a genital wart on a choade. The only interesting feature in a place most of us prefer not to look. People of consequence generally don't go to Iowa. You are fortunate to have a person of consequence as your coach right now. Please, please drive him away.
Lest you think this is being written from the perspective of jealousy over your success, it's not. Sure, there may have been pangs of envy when you went to the Rose and Orange Bowls in the last ten years, but that's gone now. Water under the bridge. You see, we Gophers have been the lowest we could ever imagine this year. We survived Tim Brewster. We've got nowhere to but up. And you're still Iowa. And we still beat you.
It's been so long, but that's what's so fun about hope.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Hopeless Musings
Seven Years to Kill
Jerry Kill signed a seven year deal with the Gophers after coaching up to this point with just a signed agreement. Jerry Kill is just 50 years old despite all of the issues with cancer and seizures and what-not, so it's conceivable he could be in Minnesota for quite some time. He was originally offered a 5 year deal, but he's convinced AD Joel Maturi and friends that he should be here longer. The most important message this sends is one of consistency. It's time to add some stability to a program that has had a revolving door of coordinators. To those hoping for a BIG TIME COACH or a return of Glen Mason, it's time to let it go. A big time coach won't come here and if he did he'd use it as a springboard to another job. I have to admit after the Brewster debacle, Mason looks better in retrospect. However, he was also a guy that was always hinting towards the next stop and it's not like he's constantly in the rumor mill to fill other vacancies.
The Gophers need to pin their hopes on Kill, consistency and running a program that has a proven system and recruits from within. The bulk of this team is made of freshman and sophomores. They're a sewage soaked dumpster fire right now, but the only place they can go is up. By the way, don't be surprised if we see more of the cream puff non-conference schedule a la Glen Mason in future years to get some cheap wins.
Sparty, Yes?
It's time to give some respect to filthy Sparty. An amazing win last week against the hated Badgers capped a three game run where they also beat rival Michigan and won on the road at Ohio State. This week they head to Nebraska. A win here really sets them up nicely as they have Minnesota, @Iowa, Indiana and @Northwestern to close out the year. You have our attention, Sparty, and it's not for abducting small children. We'll be following your effort against the corn-touchers this week. Don't blow it, you guys.
BCS Standings and Boise State
Imagine if you will a world where we don't live in constant fear of a Boise State team that plays 2-3 tough games a year creeping up these standings and replacing a more worthy team in the national championship game. I don't have a problem with the BCS, per se. I have a problem with one game deciding the champion. I don't need a 64 team tournament or even a 16 team tournament. What I want is a 8 team tournament. Three weeks, 7 games, and boom: a champion. We can even still use the BCS to slot the 8 teams! What about the bowl games, you say? We name each game of the tournament after a bowl and rotate the big bowls for the championship game like we still do. This actually creates 3 more big bowls. (mo money, anyone?) As for the other small bowl games, we still play those and like today they have no bearing whatsoever on the champion. As it stands now you'd have the following:
LSU (1) vs. Kansas State (8)
Alabama (2) vs. Oregon (7)
Oklahoma State (3) vs. Stanford (6)
Boise State (4) vs. Clemson (5)
Other than Kansas State who has only beaten Baylor so far and plays Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas A&M and Texas the next four weeks (see ya!); these are all very good teams and would make for an incredible tournament. Who's with me? What we need are some hippies to go camp out on NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis and get themselves blasted by some flash-bangs and stuff. Something like this:
Mountain Jesus
Do you guys know Mountain Jesus? I didn't either until reading a story about him in this AP Story. Apparently some atheists with extra time on their hands are mad that Mountain Jesus occupies a 25 foots square plot of land that is owned by the forestry service and leased to Whitefish Resort. The statue was erected in the 50s by the Knights of Columbus. No word on whether they wore those funny plumed hats or not.
So, crabby Annie Laurie Gaylor had this to say from the article:
This is a totally legitimate argument I suppose, but I wonder what her point is since it's been there for SIXTY YEARS! If someone wants to build a church in the forest today, I'd say "Hey don't do that, bro". This just comes across making atheists look bad. Congressman Deny Rehberg completely ignores how goofy white Mountain Jesus looks and says the following:
Jerry Kill signed a seven year deal with the Gophers after coaching up to this point with just a signed agreement. Jerry Kill is just 50 years old despite all of the issues with cancer and seizures and what-not, so it's conceivable he could be in Minnesota for quite some time. He was originally offered a 5 year deal, but he's convinced AD Joel Maturi and friends that he should be here longer. The most important message this sends is one of consistency. It's time to add some stability to a program that has had a revolving door of coordinators. To those hoping for a BIG TIME COACH or a return of Glen Mason, it's time to let it go. A big time coach won't come here and if he did he'd use it as a springboard to another job. I have to admit after the Brewster debacle, Mason looks better in retrospect. However, he was also a guy that was always hinting towards the next stop and it's not like he's constantly in the rumor mill to fill other vacancies.
The Gophers need to pin their hopes on Kill, consistency and running a program that has a proven system and recruits from within. The bulk of this team is made of freshman and sophomores. They're a sewage soaked dumpster fire right now, but the only place they can go is up. By the way, don't be surprised if we see more of the cream puff non-conference schedule a la Glen Mason in future years to get some cheap wins.
 |
| You know what Kill looks like; here's a cheerleader instead. |
Sparty, Yes?
 |
| GO BREAK-DANCING SPARTY! |
It's time to give some respect to filthy Sparty. An amazing win last week against the hated Badgers capped a three game run where they also beat rival Michigan and won on the road at Ohio State. This week they head to Nebraska. A win here really sets them up nicely as they have Minnesota, @Iowa, Indiana and @Northwestern to close out the year. You have our attention, Sparty, and it's not for abducting small children. We'll be following your effort against the corn-touchers this week. Don't blow it, you guys.
BCS Standings and Boise State
| Team | BCS Average | |
|---|---|---|
| 1 | LSU | .9702 |
| 2 | Alabama | .9627 |
| 3 | Oklahoma State | .9240 |
| 4 | Boise State | .8302 |
| 5 | Clemson | .8240 |
| 6 | Stanford | .8124 |
| 7 | Oregon | .6877 |
| 8 | Kansas State | .6681 |
| 9 | Oklahoma | .6642 |
| 10 | Arkansas | .6581 |
Imagine if you will a world where we don't live in constant fear of a Boise State team that plays 2-3 tough games a year creeping up these standings and replacing a more worthy team in the national championship game. I don't have a problem with the BCS, per se. I have a problem with one game deciding the champion. I don't need a 64 team tournament or even a 16 team tournament. What I want is a 8 team tournament. Three weeks, 7 games, and boom: a champion. We can even still use the BCS to slot the 8 teams! What about the bowl games, you say? We name each game of the tournament after a bowl and rotate the big bowls for the championship game like we still do. This actually creates 3 more big bowls. (mo money, anyone?) As for the other small bowl games, we still play those and like today they have no bearing whatsoever on the champion. As it stands now you'd have the following:
LSU (1) vs. Kansas State (8)
Alabama (2) vs. Oregon (7)
Oklahoma State (3) vs. Stanford (6)
Boise State (4) vs. Clemson (5)
Other than Kansas State who has only beaten Baylor so far and plays Oklahoma, Oklahoma State, Texas A&M and Texas the next four weeks (see ya!); these are all very good teams and would make for an incredible tournament. Who's with me? What we need are some hippies to go camp out on NCAA headquarters in Indianapolis and get themselves blasted by some flash-bangs and stuff. Something like this:
Mountain Jesus
 |
| Mountain Jesus Blessing Skiers |
Do you guys know Mountain Jesus? I didn't either until reading a story about him in this AP Story. Apparently some atheists with extra time on their hands are mad that Mountain Jesus occupies a 25 foots square plot of land that is owned by the forestry service and leased to Whitefish Resort. The statue was erected in the 50s by the Knights of Columbus. No word on whether they wore those funny plumed hats or not.
 |
| Some handsome dudes here. |
"This has huge meaning for Americans. And if you aren't religious it has huge meaning as well," said Annie Laurie Gaylor, with the Madison, Wis.-based group. "If skiers think that it is cute, then put it up on private property. It is not cute to have a state religious association."
This is a totally legitimate argument I suppose, but I wonder what her point is since it's been there for SIXTY YEARS! If someone wants to build a church in the forest today, I'd say "Hey don't do that, bro". This just comes across making atheists look bad. Congressman Deny Rehberg completely ignores how goofy white Mountain Jesus looks and says the following:
"The Forest Service's denial of the lease defies common sense. Using a tiny section of public land for a war memorial with religious themes is not the same as establishing a state religion," Rehberg said in a statement. "That's true whether it's a cross or a Star of David on a headstone in the Arlington National Cemetery, an angel on the Montana Vietnam Memorial in Missoula or a statue of Jesus on Big Mountain."
I'm not a religious dude, but I say leave it be. Seems like most people like it or use it as a goof. There has to be something more important that these knobs can put their effort into.
 |
| Skiphesians 12:4 "I am the goggles and the helmet and the ski pole of life" |
Friday, October 21, 2011
Zombie Bronko Nagurski vs. Nebraska Cornhuskers
Nebraska Cornhuskers, welcome to the B1G. I hope you're enjoying yourselves thus far. You and your hordes of fans will have some decent weather this weekend in Minnesota. It will be perfect for tailgating and stomping the ever-loving shit out of the Gophers. If you haven't noticed, the Gophers have a lot of problems. However, like any program, you have some problems too Huskers. In this preview article, I'll "analyze" Huskers problems compared to Gopher problems.
Gopher problem: Deciding whether to go through the farce of supporting a team that you know will get destroyed this Saturday or to sell your tickets and sit at home in a dark room and drink whisky from the bottle. Let's be honest here; the smart move is to sell and drink until you've blacked everything out clear back to Rickey Foggie. Some of us are suckers though, so we'll show up and look at all the sea of red enjoying themselves as we drink fromour flask bottle of sprite and cry.
Husker problem: Arranging travel and acquiring tickets to get into TCF Bank Stadium. Do you buy Gopher season tickets and just sell the rest of the games save Nebraska? Do you buy the 3 game pack and do likewise? Do you go through a broker or a stubhub? This can all be expensive. Which bar do you go to and celebrate at? Will they allow bare feet?
Gopher problem: Do you play the young freshman QB that looks like he can become a pretty good passer or the junior 4-star recruit that has been at WR and has just a few starts at QB and see how he develops? I say play both. Which seems to be what is happening for the most part, so that's good I guess.
Husker problem: Will T-Magic get enough Heisman interest despite the loss to Wisconsin? Where will he end up on the all time rushing list? Also, what's with this guy's throwing motion? He could take some lessons from Tim Tebow. There. I said it.
Gopher problem: Getting a 4 star recruit to come and play football. When they do actually show up we don't know where to play them and then they actually don't play all that well. According to ESPN.com the Gophers have two 4 star commits (OG Isaac Hayes and WR Jamel Harbison) and seven more considering although I can't imagine why.
Husker problem: What do we do with all of these 4 star recruits? I guess we could red-shirt some of them. The Huskers have 2 commits as well and another 25 or so considering. 25 just makes me shake my head.
Zombie Bronko Rating: 4
This team laid a stinker against Wisconsin and had issues with Ohio State, but they're still damn good. I toyed with a 3.5 rating considering Crick is out and the defense is hurting, but I kind of love Taylor Martinez and their offensive line seems to be getting it together. Gopher tackling will be at a premium and they don't really like to do that so much. Four Zombie Bronko Nagurskis would turn the BIG RED into...well, they'd still be red I guess.
Gopher problem: Deciding whether to go through the farce of supporting a team that you know will get destroyed this Saturday or to sell your tickets and sit at home in a dark room and drink whisky from the bottle. Let's be honest here; the smart move is to sell and drink until you've blacked everything out clear back to Rickey Foggie. Some of us are suckers though, so we'll show up and look at all the sea of red enjoying themselves as we drink from
Husker problem: Arranging travel and acquiring tickets to get into TCF Bank Stadium. Do you buy Gopher season tickets and just sell the rest of the games save Nebraska? Do you buy the 3 game pack and do likewise? Do you go through a broker or a stubhub? This can all be expensive. Which bar do you go to and celebrate at? Will they allow bare feet?
 |
| Dirt floor bars are best. |
Gopher problem: Do you play the young freshman QB that looks like he can become a pretty good passer or the junior 4-star recruit that has been at WR and has just a few starts at QB and see how he develops? I say play both. Which seems to be what is happening for the most part, so that's good I guess.
Husker problem: Will T-Magic get enough Heisman interest despite the loss to Wisconsin? Where will he end up on the all time rushing list? Also, what's with this guy's throwing motion? He could take some lessons from Tim Tebow. There. I said it.
Gopher problem: Getting a 4 star recruit to come and play football. When they do actually show up we don't know where to play them and then they actually don't play all that well. According to ESPN.com the Gophers have two 4 star commits (OG Isaac Hayes and WR Jamel Harbison) and seven more considering although I can't imagine why.
Husker problem: What do we do with all of these 4 star recruits? I guess we could red-shirt some of them. The Huskers have 2 commits as well and another 25 or so considering. 25 just makes me shake my head.
 |
| Can't wait for Isaac Hayes! |
Zombie Bronko Rating: 4
This team laid a stinker against Wisconsin and had issues with Ohio State, but they're still damn good. I toyed with a 3.5 rating considering Crick is out and the defense is hurting, but I kind of love Taylor Martinez and their offensive line seems to be getting it together. Gopher tackling will be at a premium and they don't really like to do that so much. Four Zombie Bronko Nagurskis would turn the BIG RED into...well, they'd still be red I guess.
 |
| Zombie-Star Trek-Husker |
Monday, October 17, 2011
Back from the Land of Sulk and Honey
Decided to take a few weeks off there because A) I'm beyond lazy and B) I was concerned of going off on an episode similar to my post-NDSU-Twitter-rage-out where I insisted every Gopher player, coach, booster and that giant turtle thing some Native Americans believe created the universe owed me a hand-written apology and an eightball of crack for the abortion that is this season. But I'm beyond all that, now, and ready to move forward as the bitter and broken shell of a man I am with my Gopher fandom still intact.
In the spirit of full disclosure to which you've all become accustomed here at SGH? we considered selling our tickets to the Nebraska game. As it turns out, our seats are pretty rad and would have fetched a price sufficient to cover the cost of the full season. But, for reasons I still can't explain, we didn't. We could have sold the tickets, bought a year's worth of bourbon, enough Robitussin to clean out an old-folks home and spent the game snorting blow out of the ass cracks of high-class hookers; but we didn't. No, instead we'll be in our seats at 2.30 this Saturday, no doubt surrounded by a sea of red, watching Taylor Martinez sodomize the Gophers in painstakingly slow motion.
My wife asked me what the hell I was thinking when I told her I was still going to the game and I really didn't have an answer. She reckoned it was some perverse sense of loyalty, that I didn't want to profit by selling tickets to the red horde from the south. That's not it, though. That's the ethos employed by the raging, unwashed mob at GopherHole and, to maintain a modicum of self respect, I refuse to employ any rationale subscribed to by those knobs. Nebraska money will buy as much huff-worthy lacquer thinner as Minnesota money will. Conversely, it's not any real belief the Gophers have a chance at victory. After the Two-Girls-One-Cup-styled affair we saw at Ann Arbor followed by the Brazilian fart porn at Team Fiction last weekend, it's pretty clear the answer to 'still got hope?' is no.
So, we're going to the game and I'm not really sure why. TRE likes to give me grief that I ride a steep emotional roller coaster during Gopher football season: the car hits the peak in early August and then plunges to the depths by the middle of October. It was a shorter, steeper ride this year, to be sure. The one positive such violent emasculation so early in the year provides is the enabling of a sort of grim acceptance: I've now seen how bad we are and recognize we won't get materially better for the next year or two. My choices are to quit the Gophers and get really good at raking leaves on Saturday or blithely go through the rituals of supporting the team and celebrate the few nuggets of positivity as they arise.
That's a pretty shit reason for wasting a Saturday afternoon and turning my nose up at some decent quan; but it's really all I've got.
In the spirit of full disclosure to which you've all become accustomed here at SGH? we considered selling our tickets to the Nebraska game. As it turns out, our seats are pretty rad and would have fetched a price sufficient to cover the cost of the full season. But, for reasons I still can't explain, we didn't. We could have sold the tickets, bought a year's worth of bourbon, enough Robitussin to clean out an old-folks home and spent the game snorting blow out of the ass cracks of high-class hookers; but we didn't. No, instead we'll be in our seats at 2.30 this Saturday, no doubt surrounded by a sea of red, watching Taylor Martinez sodomize the Gophers in painstakingly slow motion.
 |
| We'll all have something like this tattooed on our retinas by game's end. It'll all seem somehow worse with that pedo Li'l Red replacing Brutus. |
So, we're going to the game and I'm not really sure why. TRE likes to give me grief that I ride a steep emotional roller coaster during Gopher football season: the car hits the peak in early August and then plunges to the depths by the middle of October. It was a shorter, steeper ride this year, to be sure. The one positive such violent emasculation so early in the year provides is the enabling of a sort of grim acceptance: I've now seen how bad we are and recognize we won't get materially better for the next year or two. My choices are to quit the Gophers and get really good at raking leaves on Saturday or blithely go through the rituals of supporting the team and celebrate the few nuggets of positivity as they arise.
That's a pretty shit reason for wasting a Saturday afternoon and turning my nose up at some decent quan; but it's really all I've got.
Thursday, October 13, 2011
Bye Week - Let's Watch Some TV
Our poor, poor Gophers. At first I was kind of mad at the Purdue fans for their boisterous celebrations after the Boilermakers scored touchdown after touchdown on our boys. Then, I realized I'd be doing the same thing if the roles were reversed. Think about how good that must feel. You know your team isn't any good, you've lost to Rice and were embarrassed by Notre Dame, but then you come out and positively smash a B1G foe. It doesn't matter who it is. It doesn't matter that Tim Brewster ate or threw away all of the canned goods in the Gopher cupboard. They won. Decisively.
As @MattOConnellGI of GopherIllustrated.com tweeted, "Gophers open as 10 point underdog to bye week." That's where we are as a program. Things like bye weeks, male cheerleaders and Swan's jogging shorts can score on our defense. With that being said, here's some stuff about new fall TV shows.
Television - New Fall TV
I usually record quite a few shows on the DVR when the new fall season starts. I then slowly weed out the garbage (most of it) hoping to find something good leftover (almost never happens). Here are my brief thoughts on some of this fall's shows:
2 Broke Girls: Even my love for Kat Dennings can't tip this show into watchable territory. Be careful if you're a prude and you search for Kat on the inter-google. It's been picked up for a full season, so someone likes it. The punch lines are weak and it's pretty poorly acted. Premise is Kat has always been broke and new waitress chick is the daughter of a guy that ran a Ponzi scheme and is now in jail. Of course they end up living together (with the rich girl's horse, is selling the horse not allowed people?) I give it 3/10 whatevers. Entertainment Weekly has a 5.7 rating for it for week 4.
New Girl: The ever so sweet Zooey Deschanel breaks up with her doofus boyfriend and moves in with 3 dudes. Now Zooey inserts her particular brand of quirkiness into the guy's everyday lives. This show was apparently Fox's highest debuting sit-com ever and has already been picked up for a full season. Zooey is cute, but not particularly funny to me. Jake Mark Johnson plays one of the roommates and he seems to be the funniest guy on the show. He has a nice drunken meltdown at a wedding in episode 3. 4.5/10 from me, 5.0 rating in week 4.
X-Factor: Awful, just painfully bad. Can't even make a drinking game to it bad. 1/10, 4.4 rating (3rd highest among new shows, lol)
Terra Nova: Even though I managed to dodge The Lost bullet, I bedded down with Lost's evil cousin, Terra Nova. Being a fan of all things end-times; I was looking forward to a world where everything has gone to hell and people only breathe through masks unless they're rich and have their own fresh air pumped in/created. Unfortunately, that's like 5 minutes of the whole show so far. Instead, we're 85 million years into the past where groups of the best and brightest (and maybe some lottery winners?) are sent back to restart civilization. Even though they drive souped up Humvees on crack they decide to build their walls that are intended to keep out dinosaurs out of logs. It's log cabin on the outside and Halo 4 on the inside. WTF? I've only seen two episodes, but they already did the pterodactyl version of "The Birds" in episode two. WATCH OUT FOR THE HORDE OF PECKING PTEROS! This could be a lot cooler, but it's just ok. This one, however, is worth watching and making a drinking game out of. Terra Nova will air 13 episodes, but has not been picked up for next fall yet. 5/10 for TRE, 3.1 rating in week 4.
Whitney: Whitney Cummings, who I think is also a writer on 2 Broke Girls stars in this one. This is mostly about her long term relationship with her boyfriend from what I can tell. (HAHAHAHAHAHA!) The thing is though (HAHAHAHAHA!) there's this awful laugh track (HAHAHAHA!) that makes you want to remove your brain from your head with a spoon. (HAHAHAHAHA!) 1/10, 3.0 rating. Picked up for a full season.
How to be a Gentleman:Johnny Drama's show about him playing a dense jock-type has already been cancelled. No way! I, like the rest of the world, did not watch.
Free Agents: Free Agents has been cancelled as well, which is too bad for Hank Azaria who I like. He played a newly divorced schmoe that can't do anything right. Too depressing.
Homeland: Homeland is an Showtime series that I haven't gotten around to watching yet, but the word is it's quite good. I'm looking forward to catching up on this one. It stars Claire Danes as a CIA agent and Damian Lewis as a Marine that was missing in Iraq for 8 years and has now returned home and maybe is a little terroristy now. Danes is pretty good and most stuff and I love Damian Lewis. I usually just call him Jonesy because of his role in Stephen King's Dreamcatcher. There's also a Mandy Patankin sighting which enables you to bust out your favorite Inigo Montoya lines when the time is right.
American Horror Story: AHS is a haunted house sort of thing on FX. I've only seen one episode, and there was a lot thrown at me in that 1:10 premier, but it was certainly entertaining. You have a bald-sharp-toothed-uncle-fester, a guy in a gimp suit, a burned-up-face guy, a chick with down syndrome telling everyone they're going to die, creepy southern neighbor lady who seems like a witch, crazy cutter daughter, cheaty dad, grumpy wife that enjoys the macabre feel of the old house, etc. People are getting sliced up, old maids are turning into hot young maids, fetuses are chilling in jars of formaldehyde...it has it all! 6.5/10 with upside.
Let me know if you're watching any greatness that I'm missing by posting in the comments section!
As @MattOConnellGI of GopherIllustrated.com tweeted, "Gophers open as 10 point underdog to bye week." That's where we are as a program. Things like bye weeks, male cheerleaders and Swan's jogging shorts can score on our defense. With that being said, here's some stuff about new fall TV shows.
Television - New Fall TV
I usually record quite a few shows on the DVR when the new fall season starts. I then slowly weed out the garbage (most of it) hoping to find something good leftover (almost never happens). Here are my brief thoughts on some of this fall's shows:
2 Broke Girls: Even my love for Kat Dennings can't tip this show into watchable territory. Be careful if you're a prude and you search for Kat on the inter-google. It's been picked up for a full season, so someone likes it. The punch lines are weak and it's pretty poorly acted. Premise is Kat has always been broke and new waitress chick is the daughter of a guy that ran a Ponzi scheme and is now in jail. Of course they end up living together (with the rich girl's horse, is selling the horse not allowed people?) I give it 3/10 whatevers. Entertainment Weekly has a 5.7 rating for it for week 4.
 |
| "I'm so edgy and street." "And I'm so naive and coddled." |
New Girl: The ever so sweet Zooey Deschanel breaks up with her doofus boyfriend and moves in with 3 dudes. Now Zooey inserts her particular brand of quirkiness into the guy's everyday lives. This show was apparently Fox's highest debuting sit-com ever and has already been picked up for a full season. Zooey is cute, but not particularly funny to me. Jake Mark Johnson plays one of the roommates and he seems to be the funniest guy on the show. He has a nice drunken meltdown at a wedding in episode 3. 4.5/10 from me, 5.0 rating in week 4.
 |
| Oh Zooey, you scamp! |
X-Factor: Awful, just painfully bad. Can't even make a drinking game to it bad. 1/10, 4.4 rating (3rd highest among new shows, lol)
Terra Nova: Even though I managed to dodge The Lost bullet, I bedded down with Lost's evil cousin, Terra Nova. Being a fan of all things end-times; I was looking forward to a world where everything has gone to hell and people only breathe through masks unless they're rich and have their own fresh air pumped in/created. Unfortunately, that's like 5 minutes of the whole show so far. Instead, we're 85 million years into the past where groups of the best and brightest (and maybe some lottery winners?) are sent back to restart civilization. Even though they drive souped up Humvees on crack they decide to build their walls that are intended to keep out dinosaurs out of logs. It's log cabin on the outside and Halo 4 on the inside. WTF? I've only seen two episodes, but they already did the pterodactyl version of "The Birds" in episode two. WATCH OUT FOR THE HORDE OF PECKING PTEROS! This could be a lot cooler, but it's just ok. This one, however, is worth watching and making a drinking game out of. Terra Nova will air 13 episodes, but has not been picked up for next fall yet. 5/10 for TRE, 3.1 rating in week 4.
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| THE BIRDS! |
Whitney: Whitney Cummings, who I think is also a writer on 2 Broke Girls stars in this one. This is mostly about her long term relationship with her boyfriend from what I can tell. (HAHAHAHAHAHA!) The thing is though (HAHAHAHAHA!) there's this awful laugh track (HAHAHAHA!) that makes you want to remove your brain from your head with a spoon. (HAHAHAHAHA!) 1/10, 3.0 rating. Picked up for a full season.
How to be a Gentleman:Johnny Drama's show about him playing a dense jock-type has already been cancelled. No way! I, like the rest of the world, did not watch.
Free Agents: Free Agents has been cancelled as well, which is too bad for Hank Azaria who I like. He played a newly divorced schmoe that can't do anything right. Too depressing.
Homeland: Homeland is an Showtime series that I haven't gotten around to watching yet, but the word is it's quite good. I'm looking forward to catching up on this one. It stars Claire Danes as a CIA agent and Damian Lewis as a Marine that was missing in Iraq for 8 years and has now returned home and maybe is a little terroristy now. Danes is pretty good and most stuff and I love Damian Lewis. I usually just call him Jonesy because of his role in Stephen King's Dreamcatcher. There's also a Mandy Patankin sighting which enables you to bust out your favorite Inigo Montoya lines when the time is right.
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| Jonesy up to no good. |
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| You killed my father. Prepare to die. |
American Horror Story: AHS is a haunted house sort of thing on FX. I've only seen one episode, and there was a lot thrown at me in that 1:10 premier, but it was certainly entertaining. You have a bald-sharp-toothed-uncle-fester, a guy in a gimp suit, a burned-up-face guy, a chick with down syndrome telling everyone they're going to die, creepy southern neighbor lady who seems like a witch, crazy cutter daughter, cheaty dad, grumpy wife that enjoys the macabre feel of the old house, etc. People are getting sliced up, old maids are turning into hot young maids, fetuses are chilling in jars of formaldehyde...it has it all! 6.5/10 with upside.
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| Bring out the gimp! |
Let me know if you're watching any greatness that I'm missing by posting in the comments section!
Friday, October 7, 2011
Zombie Bronko Nagurski vs. Purdue Boilermakers
In 1943, Bronko received a letter from the Bears, asking him to come out of retirement, as they were short of players due to World War II. He agreed, on the condition that he be allowed to arrive after the harvest, and that he only play tackle, doubting he could be effective as a running back. He had a strong season as a blocker and on defense, but trailing in the regular season finale, and needing to beat the arch rival Chicago Cardinals to advance to the league championship, Bronko returned to fullback and racked up 84 yards in one quarter, leading the team to victory. He scored one more touchdown in their championship game win over Washington, and then retired for good.
For this week's match-up I scoured the interwebs (googled) and found BoiledSports.com. Boiled Sports made me happy because the opening blog post I found has the word "AWFUL" in all caps. They then go on to list a number of ways in which the Boilers failed last week. THINGS ARE LOOKING UP FOR SATURDAY! /falsetto
So, Purdue is having their own problems. In addition, they have one of the worst mascots in college football. Purdue-Pete is basically just a dude with a giant plastic head and a toy hammer. He doesn't do anything cool. He just walks around and swings his incredibly light fake hammer in slow motion.
In their first four, the Boilermakers are 2-2 with wins over MTSU and Southeast Missouri State. They lost to Rice in week 2 and got mowed by the Fighting Irish last week. Purdue does actually have a pretty good running game. They're 19th in the nation at about 215 yards on the ground per game. They have two running backs that average over 5 yards per carry. Duane Bennett averages 3.7 ypc somehow even though he's tackled in the backfield on every carry. This match-up is so epic that the tv guide preview is all futility.
There is a compelling storyline though. If Shortell is in for the bulk of the game again, we could be looking at a battle of the gingers. Caleb Terbush vs. Max Shortell. Whoever wins absorbs the power of the other ginger a la The Highlander. Fun fact: SuperGinger Axl Rose is from Lafayette, Indiana.
Zombie Bronko Rating:
This is a two Zombie Bronko Nagurski opponent. If Zombie Bronko Nagurski invaded Ross-Ade stadium I think he'd start by caving in the plastic head of Purdue Pete. His corpse teeth would tear through the plastic to the brainy center. If the Gophers are going to win a B1G game this year, Purdue is as likely a chance as they are bound to have. We'll see if Coach Kill can get the team prepared to execute a successful game plan. At the very least they should be able to hang around for a half.
For this week's match-up I scoured the interwebs (googled) and found BoiledSports.com. Boiled Sports made me happy because the opening blog post I found has the word "AWFUL" in all caps. They then go on to list a number of ways in which the Boilers failed last week. THINGS ARE LOOKING UP FOR SATURDAY! /falsetto
So, Purdue is having their own problems. In addition, they have one of the worst mascots in college football. Purdue-Pete is basically just a dude with a giant plastic head and a toy hammer. He doesn't do anything cool. He just walks around and swings his incredibly light fake hammer in slow motion.
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| Your head's plastic. Clap Clap Clap-Clap-Clap |
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| Corey Webster! |
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| Max slightly more red tinted. |
This is a two Zombie Bronko Nagurski opponent. If Zombie Bronko Nagurski invaded Ross-Ade stadium I think he'd start by caving in the plastic head of Purdue Pete. His corpse teeth would tear through the plastic to the brainy center. If the Gophers are going to win a B1G game this year, Purdue is as likely a chance as they are bound to have. We'll see if Coach Kill can get the team prepared to execute a successful game plan. At the very least they should be able to hang around for a half.
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| Two Zombies is enough. |
Tuesday, October 4, 2011
Where are they now according to Google? Preston Gruening
We need to stay on the lighter side in this blog. The Gophers' last couple of games have forced Swan into hiding I think. I checked the usual spots: liquor stores, bars, dumpsters, Taco John's, etc. He's out there somewhere, you guys, and I can't find him. He's scared and alone and sad. Hopefully he still has access to the internet to read this blog and cheer himself up. Speaking of tacos, it's apparently National Taco Day.
Here's what Betty White tweeted on the subject: "Happy National Taco Day! I just made some with a juicy mango salsa. Who wants to eat my juicy taco?"
The latest edition of WATNAG? is on Preston Gruening. If you don't know Preston, you should. He's one of just 33 Consensus All Americans to play football for the maroon and gold. He's also in one of the most amazing pictures I've ever seen: the 2001 Playboy All-American team. I mean, what in the hell is going on here? It was 2001, so maybe that awful Will Smith cowboy movie? (Wild Wild West was 1999, so no.) Was this when Tupac and Dre did California Love? (nope, 1996) If anyone has a clue what this was about (or better yet the issue), let me know. Here's the pic:
Gruening was the Gopher punter from 2000-2002 and had a whopping 45.2 average as a sophomore in 2000. That mark led all of college football. He also threw at least one pass each year and was 4-4 for 126 yards and a touchdown as a fake passer. You may recall Gruening's 45 yard touchdown pass to Elvin Jones in that brutal game against Northwestern that the Gophers lost on a final Hail Mary heave, 41-35. He also ran for a TD in 2002.
The real question is: Where is Preston Gruening now? (according to Google)
Well, Preston is up to a few things that I could tell. First of all, he has a facebook page. This is key. I sent him a friend request, btw. Will advise if we friend it up. (UPDATE: We're FB friends now! WOOT!) Facebook lists his current employer as The Olive Garden. Among his interests, he lists Buffalo Wings and Rings in Weston, WI. This place looks pretty kick-ass. I'd drink there if I knew where the hell Weston was.
There's a Preston Gruening LinkedIn account as well that says he's a "Distributor Sales Consultant at Reliable Salon Resource Group" in Wausau. He does have dreamy hair, so I suppose this could be THE Preston Gruening as well. Preston also appears to be involved in real estate. If you're in the middle of Wisconsin and looking to buy or sell I suggest you contact him. It appears he may have expertise in mobile homes
So, to summarize, Preston Gruening appears to be somewhat of a renaissance man in north-central Wisconsin. He's in the restaurant industry and he's a real estate mogul. He likes to keep the ladies looking fresh-from-the-salon good. He even enjoys a few beers and wings at the local watering hole. I hope he's not working too hard with all of these jobs. Preston, if you're reading this, keep on hustling and be sure to friend me so we can grab a beer. Love, TRE.
Here's what Betty White tweeted on the subject: "Happy National Taco Day! I just made some with a juicy mango salsa. Who wants to eat my juicy taco?"
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| You there Swan? |
The latest edition of WATNAG? is on Preston Gruening. If you don't know Preston, you should. He's one of just 33 Consensus All Americans to play football for the maroon and gold. He's also in one of the most amazing pictures I've ever seen: the 2001 Playboy All-American team. I mean, what in the hell is going on here? It was 2001, so maybe that awful Will Smith cowboy movie? (Wild Wild West was 1999, so no.) Was this when Tupac and Dre did California Love? (nope, 1996) If anyone has a clue what this was about (or better yet the issue), let me know. Here's the pic:
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| Preston is in the lower left - Ed Reed is sitting right next to him. |
Gruening was the Gopher punter from 2000-2002 and had a whopping 45.2 average as a sophomore in 2000. That mark led all of college football. He also threw at least one pass each year and was 4-4 for 126 yards and a touchdown as a fake passer. You may recall Gruening's 45 yard touchdown pass to Elvin Jones in that brutal game against Northwestern that the Gophers lost on a final Hail Mary heave, 41-35. He also ran for a TD in 2002.
The real question is: Where is Preston Gruening now? (according to Google)
Well, Preston is up to a few things that I could tell. First of all, he has a facebook page. This is key. I sent him a friend request, btw. Will advise if we friend it up. (UPDATE: We're FB friends now! WOOT!) Facebook lists his current employer as The Olive Garden. Among his interests, he lists Buffalo Wings and Rings in Weston, WI. This place looks pretty kick-ass. I'd drink there if I knew where the hell Weston was.
There's a Preston Gruening LinkedIn account as well that says he's a "Distributor Sales Consultant at Reliable Salon Resource Group" in Wausau. He does have dreamy hair, so I suppose this could be THE Preston Gruening as well. Preston also appears to be involved in real estate. If you're in the middle of Wisconsin and looking to buy or sell I suggest you contact him. It appears he may have expertise in mobile homes
| This one is a cool $29,000. Contact Preston for more info. |
So, to summarize, Preston Gruening appears to be somewhat of a renaissance man in north-central Wisconsin. He's in the restaurant industry and he's a real estate mogul. He likes to keep the ladies looking fresh-from-the-salon good. He even enjoys a few beers and wings at the local watering hole. I hope he's not working too hard with all of these jobs. Preston, if you're reading this, keep on hustling and be sure to friend me so we can grab a beer. Love, TRE.
Saturday, October 1, 2011
Zombie Bronko Nagurski vs. Michigan Wolverines
My #NoGophers silence is officially broken with this blog post. It was nice not thinking about them this week after they were trampled by the Bison. Rather than get into a long post about how awesome the Wolverines are I thought I'd come up with a list of things I'm looking for from this game:
Zombie Bronko Rating: This is a 4 ZB opponent. They're really good; a lot of that has to do with Denard running the show. Four Zombie Bronko Nagurskis would shred this team apart and infect half of the Big House before it was all said and done. Ann Arbor is a whore.
- Can the Gopher defense keep the Wolverines under 5 plays of 20+ yards? (probably not)
- How will the quarterback distribution shake out? 50% Gray, 50% Shortell? (Gray out with a toe injury, I guess 100% Shortell is the answer)
- Can the Gophers have a couple of sustained drives, thus keeping the Wolverines under 50 points? (probably not)
- One good hit by someone (anyone) on Denard Robinson.
- Speaking of which, if the defensive line isn't sacking anyone, does that mean they'll keep contain on Denard's runs? (probably not)
- How many poor saps from Minnesota traveled to the Big House? Will we see them amongst the maize and blue?
- With Troy Stoudamire out, how much munchkin Kyle Henderson will we get to see? You'll be able to recognize him as the guy biting on the Michigan wide receiver's ankles as they catch long passes.
- Wolverine Cheerleaders with the little M decal on their cheeks.
Zombie Bronko Rating: This is a 4 ZB opponent. They're really good; a lot of that has to do with Denard running the show. Four Zombie Bronko Nagurskis would shred this team apart and infect half of the Big House before it was all said and done. Ann Arbor is a whore.
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| Zombie Big House |
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