Monday, October 31, 2011


Sweet sassy, Saturday was fun. For three quarters, it looked like a hard-fought effort by the boys in maroon was going to come up short. Improbably tied 7-7 at the half, in the third quarter the Fighting Pantherhawks outscored us 14-3, providing what I figured was an insurmountable lead going into the final set. I resigned myself to a moral victory: Floyd would leave us, but at least we weren't humiliated. I still bear the 55-0 mark of the beast from the 2008 debacle, after all.

And then something magical happened. Like a flying fucking unicorn impaling the rapists from 'Deliverance,' MarQueis Gray emerged from the ash heap of Gopher football to do battle with the unwashed Iowegians. Throughout the fourth quarter, Q was my Jesus. He found open receivers, made some solid adjustments at the line and channeled THE RUN from last year to score the go-ahead touchdown. Add a sweet onside kick, some tenacious runs from Du'ane Bennett and a crowd in The Bank as lively as they've been in three years and, against all hope, Floyd was staying home. Fun times, indeed.

Almost more fun, though, has been the reaction to the loss by Iowa fans. After a Hateweek full of mocking and ridiculing the state of our program, their boards have gone nuclear after the loss. The best is that their assessment of the 2011 Gophers was largely correct: we are an absolute clown show right now. Employing our patented Broken Condom defense, our in-conference points allowed had to be shown in scientific notation and our offense, well, there isn't enough ketamine in the world to numb the pain of watching that farce  for the first half of the season.

Yep, Iowa fanboyz, you were spot on last week: we are the worst BCS conference team. There are no doubt a fair share of FCS teams that would be more than capable of coming into our house, penetrate our hapless team like a piston dick and parade the last semblance of Gopher pride through Dinkytown like a limp, dessicated  fetus. We are an embarrassment to the B1G. We are a blight on college sports. We are an abortion, the worst Gopher team in a storied history of ignominy. And we still beat you.

And how do you respond, Iowa, to this disgraceful showing? You demand the head of your coach. You write open letters warning Ferentz of the dangers of failed expectations. You warn him that Auburn and Tennessee  did not tolerate the shortcomings of their coaches, even those who enjoyed success, and you are of a like mind. Change or begone, you say; you can find another coach to take the place of this stubborn old man.

But you are not Auburn or Tennessee, neighbors to the south. You are Iowa. You will not find a coach more competent and capable than Kirk. He may have his pratfalls, but you are lucky to have him. You can pine for all of the unemployed ubercoaches, but Urban Meyer has as much interest in coming to Iowa as Chris Petersen did in coming to Minnesota. You may want him. You may think he wants you. But the rest of us know that's just the meth talking. You're Iowa, after all.

There's no delicate way to say this, so I'll cut to the chase. Iowa is the Wall Drug of college football. A novelty surrounded by a sea of nothing. Yeah, people come to see you and bedazzle their cars with your swag, but it's because you're the only show in town. Iowa is a genital wart on a choade. The only interesting feature in a place most of us prefer not to look. People of consequence generally don't go to Iowa. You are fortunate to have a person of consequence as your coach right now. Please, please drive him away.

Lest you think this is being written from the perspective of jealousy over your success, it's not. Sure, there may have been pangs of envy when you went to the Rose and Orange Bowls in the last ten years, but that's gone now. Water under the bridge. You see, we Gophers have been the lowest we could ever imagine this year. We survived Tim Brewster. We've got nowhere to but up. And you're still Iowa. And we still beat you.


  1. "Iowa is the Wall Drug of college football. A novelty surrounded by a sea of nothing. Yeah, people come to see you and bedazzle their cars with your swag, but it's because you're the only show in town."


  2. Hilarious post. I wish the Gophers and Jerry Kill the best. Iowa VS. Minnesota for the Floyd of Rosedale is pure Americana.