Greetings, extensive community of SGH! I’m a tailgating
buddy with Frothy, Tre, and JD, and the designated slash default basketball
mind (read: I’m the one dude in the crew who pays serious attention to the
squad), so throughout this season I’ll be providing occasional #Content on our
favorite shootyhoops team. We’ll start by previewing the season to come with a
bit of a twist.
Last season was a great one for our Gophers squad,
completing the greatest turnaround in all of college basketball and making a
triumphant return to the NCAA tournament. With only one senior departing (we’ll
miss you Akeem) and one other player transferring (bye, JR), expectations for
2017-2018 are even higher. The anticipation was killing us here at SGH, so we
got out our crystal ball (in a borrowed shtick from the excellent Twins blog
Twinkietown, who ripped it from Dave Barry) and decided to take a look back on this
year’s basketball season…4 months early. We start our year in…
November, where the
Gophers begin the non-conference strong, including a big road win in Game 2
against KenPom #25 Providence. The defense is smothering, starters are giving
just enough outside shooting to keep the opposition honest, and Washington and
Harris are immediate contributors off the bench as freshmen. We roll through
some cupcakes and then dispatch Bama in a Thanksgiving weekend, neutral court
thriller in NYC. Jelly fans are in full swing and Coffey ices the game with a
dunk at the exact same time that, back in Minnesota, Rodney Smith runs in the
game winner against WI. A sold-out TCF Bank Stadium chants “we want Bama”. The
football and basketball teams celebrate with the axe together. Paul Chryst
leaves Wisconsin to become the next head football coach of the Oregon State
Beavers. Matthew Hurt is seen doing the rouser after the game and recruiting
gurus begin making Minnesota commitment predictions. We immediately come back
home and do our part in the B1G/ACC challenge, taking care of Miami at Williams
Arena and claiming our rightful place as “The Real ‘U’”. Our home squad is
undefeated and flying high as we enter the month of…
December, where our
conference play starts with LOLButtgers and Nebrasketball (Reminder: our
schedule is all kinds of weird this year and we have 2 random conference games
in early December). Since it’s Rutgers and Nebraska, our team doesn’t even
blink, and Dupree McBrayer later says “to be honest I thought they were just
more MEAC tune-ups I’d never heard of before.” Gaston Diedhiou gets real
minutes and offers up a productive 3 points, 4 rebounds, and 5 fouls. A 2-0
start to conference is in hand. Our Gophers suffer their first loss, a stumble
at Arkansas, but that’s ok because we take care of business in the rest of the
nonconference. Gophersports releases a “Ticket plus Jar of Jelly” package with
Washington’s face on it. It’s a huge hit, selling out in 2 hours, but for some
reason Parking and Transportation Services claims all the revenue from the
promotion. As B1G play begins (for real), we sit pretty at 14-1 (2-0), good for
right around 10th in the national polls as the calendar turns to…
January, where our
hometown squad stays hot to start real conference play, making quick work of
Illinois and Indiana at home and taking down the NERDS in Evanston
Rosement LOL THE NERDS DON’T EVEN PLAY IN THEIR OWN TOWN LET ALONE THEIR OWN
ARENA. Nate Mason describes the WNBA arena in Rosemont as having “a WNBA type
atmosphere”. Chris Collins isn’t sure whether to be upset or proud. We’ve
continued to win games with a suffocating defense, outstanding and unselfish
transition play, and just enough 3-point shooting. The local boys are brimming
with confidence at the 5-0 conference start, but as Gopher fans have so often
experienced, the worm turns against us. We drop a respectable game against
Purdue, but then follow that up with losses at Maryland, vs. the NERDS in
Williams, and worst of all at Iowa. Word gets out that Matthew Hurt watched a
Kansas game on TV, and recruiting gurus retract their Minnesota commitment
predictions. In the absolute height of irony, Brian Anderson likes a tweet
about how fired up Fran McCaffery looks while coaching. It’s looking like it
could be a season of missed opportunities, so just in time we enter…
February, where Nate
Mason holds a(nother) seemingly magical “player’s only meeting” and rights the
ship. We start the month 3-0, and then, in an epic matchup of top-15 teams we
take down Michigan St. by a point at home via a Mason layup on our last
possession and a Reggie Lynch block at the buzzer. Matthew Hurt is in attendance
and says the game was “fun”. Recruiting gurus return to their Minnesota
commitment predictions. In a potential trap game, our team travels to Madison
next. However, the only thing trapped in this game is Badger players’ heads
under Amir Coffey’s nuts as he dunks all over them en route to a triple double
in an 88-62 blowout. Greg Gard spends the entirety of his post-game conference
focusing on two inconsequential foul calls. PJ Fleck busses the whole Gophers football
team to Madison for the game to support the hoops squad. Somehow, Parking and
Transportation Services is able to write this off as an expense. We check the
box on a couple close wins – Iowa and @Purdue – and end the regular season at
26-5 (14-4) and a top-2 B1G team. This gets us a couple BTT byes into…
March, where our
team heads to NYC (?) a week and a half before Selection Sunday (???) for the
Big Ten Tournament. With an NCAA bid already a lock, the Gophers are able to
play relaxed basketball in Manhattan. Can our Gophers win their first ever Big
Ten Tournament? Will they receive a favorable enough seed and set of matchups
to advance to weekend 2 (or beyond) of NCAA tournament play? Even I don’t know
that, but I sure am excited to find out.
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