Thursday, September 21, 2017

Helping Out an Old Gopher Coach

Hi, BA,

It's your hater. The old coaching staff sure seems to have a lot to say about Fleck and the current state of the Gophers. Especially you. You've always got something salty so say. I figure it's probably because you're unemployed. Usually I wouldn't malign someone for that, but you just can't seem to keep the ol' Twitter fingers silent! So I thought I'd give you a hand and point you in the direction of some jobs you might be especially qualified for. Maybe one will resonate and you can change your Twitter description from 'Coach: TBA' to one of these fine options.

Tennis ball inspector
Everyone who ever attended an open practice left mystified why you were using tennis balls to coach your wide receivers. I mean, it's football. Why not use footballs? Anyway, given your affinity for the fuzzy green things, perhaps there's a future in working at Wilson or whatever other tennis ball companies are out there. I know of a dozen or so Gopher fans who would happily attest to your expertise in this domain. And during breaks, you could teach some of the folks in the manufacturing plant how to catch them. Sounds like a win-win to me!

St. Paul Saints outfield coach
Think about this: all you have to do is teach them to catch. That's it! No pesky yards after catch to worry about. They just catch the ball and the play is usually over. You seem particularly suited to that part, but I think I speak for most Gopher fans in expressing some concern about the catching element. Fortunately, the players get to wear a big web on their hand AND a baseball is pretty similar to a tennis ball, so you wouldn't even need to change your training routines. Plus it's local! And the season isn't that long, so you'd still have plenty of time to be salty. I'd think seriously about this one.

'Do that.' Executive Coaching
There were rumors, thoroughly untrue, I'm sure, that your coaching approach more or less boiled down to showing wide receivers film of NFL wideouts and saying 'do that.' I played football for a bit and never had a coach do that as a means of instruction, but I never made it to the FBS level, so maybe things are different there. Anyway, I feel like there's a future in this for you on the corporate circuit, perhaps executive coaching. CVS not doing as well as Walgreens? Have you stroll into CVS headquarters with Walgreens' financial statements, toss them at the CFO and say, implacably, "Do that." Sky is the limit there financially. If I were a "do that" kind of guy, I'd look into it.

WR Coach: Army
If you're really going to insist on staying in football and, again, I'd advise against this, Army might be your Jesus. They had 54 completions last year. 54! And some of those were probably to RBs or TEs, over which you'd have no responsibility! Like, we were a wet diaper through the air and we had 181. And they threw for only 967 yards! The expectations there would be mostly consistent with what we saw the last few years here, so it might be your lifeboat.

Give it some thought, man. Put down the Twitter, try a flavor other than salty (there are so many!) and focus your energies on your next job. We Gophers don't wish you any ill will. We just want you to go away.

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