Here, @tretanic, @jdmill and I spend eight hours discussing the impending doom that is the Michigan State game. It predictably goes off the rails, hi-jinks ensure and, voila, #CONTENT.
Enjoy....
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9:42 AM (9 hours ago)
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Not feeling great about the game this weekend.
Hoping Sparty has dysentery or something that almost but not quite kills them
on the Oregon Trail. What do you guys think?
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10:10 AM (9 hours ago)
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I'm trying to keep my expectations incredibly
low. In fact, I might be forming a narrative in my head where WE are the ones
who have contracted dysentery. Creating a scenario where we have absolutely no
chance to win might be a good mechanism to spare my psyche.
But honestly, I'm terrified. With Sparty's
D-Line, this game sets up as almost a worst case scenario because our run game
is the only thing our offense has going for it. So yeah, I am something less
than optimistic.
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10:13 AM (9 hours ago)
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Last night I was wondering what to have for
dinner. Living by myself, I'm not the best at "meal planning"
or even "buying groceries" so often I'm left digging through the
dregs of my kitchen. Things like frozen meals, ramen, brinner (it's
breakfast for dinner!) or putting in a lot of work making pasta or Rice a Roni
or some shit we're some of the choices available to me. I had ramen the
night prior though, spicy! My body is my temple.
So, what generally happens is I go out to eat
or pick something up. Last night I had some lovely Kung Pao chicken with
steamed rice. Shout out to Duc's in Woodbury.
Fleck's problem is he can't go out and get
some delicious Asian delights from Duc's. He has to dig through the
cupboards and make it work. Some of the items in the cupboard don't fit
together, some are past their due date and should be thrown out.
One thing I have to question about Fleck's
cooking is that our Gophers did not look ready to play last week at
Purdue. They seemed tentative, they made mistakes early, and it just
seemed to take awhile to get in the flow of the game. You can't have
ramen straight out of the package, too crunchy; you need some hella hot water
to get them noodles ready.
Will the Gophers win? No, probably not.
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10:34 AM (8 hours ago)
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Good point about the food and I really enjoyed
that analogy. I've been eating whole wheat tortillas with peanut butter
on them every weeknight for the last ten days. It fulfils a need for calories,
but is otherwise totally unsatisfying. That feels a lot like our offense: we
run some plays like we're required by the rules to do, but it's otherwise
totally unremarkable.
Maybe us having dysentery would be better than
Sparty a) because it's a super excuse for getting murderballed and b) because
they'll likely be wearing white pants and would show the poo stains more than
our maroon pants. I'm really here to preserve Sparty's dignity. I hope they do
the same for us.
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10:59 AM (8 hours ago)
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So I guess this has become a thing where we
compare Gopher stuff to food. I'll bite. /winks
Not long after I got married, my wife cooked a
meal that could best be described as "burnt." But being the new
husband that I was, aspiring to be elite, I ate it anyway. I even lied to my
wife about how much I was enjoying it while I ingested carcinogens the likes of
which my body hadn't seen since smoking was banned in bars in Minnesota.
Anyway, something something, Gopher secondary.
It's not the secondary we want, but it's the secondary we have and DAMMIT ALL
we should figure out a way to enjoy it, but not feel bad about sneaking some
Doritos before bed.
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11:54 AM (7 hours ago)
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Doritos really are the perfect food type
product. Except for Cool Ranch, throw that stuff right in the trash.
I didn't mean for this to be an all food
analogy email string, you guys. The shtick found me, I didn't seek it
out.
Any chance MSU QB Brian Lewerke is allergic to
yellowjackets? Maybe stick a few nests in the heated faux turf like little land
mines? Can't hurt to help put some pressure on him since the Gophers have
like two defensive backs left.
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12:09 PM (7 hours ago)
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Hell, let's throw the whole collection of
potential causes of anaphylaxis at them: latex, peanuts, penicillin. We should
also feed them aged cheddar cheese and pork liver in the event one of their key
players is on an MAO inhibitor. I don't want anyone to die, but a massive and
dangerous allergic reaction or hypertensive crisis would really help the team
out.
Sparty's defensive line gives me hot flashes
and night sweats. Outside of attempted mass murder, is there any way we can
move the ball against them? Our offensive line hasn't exactly inspired much
hope.
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2:50 PM (4 hours ago)
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We rank 97th in Total Offense and Sparty ranks
4th in Total Defense. Immovable object meet stoppable force. Our best hope is
that our defense can figure out a way to give our offense short fields. Then
again, we saw how well that worked last week.
I can't decide if this conversation is helping
me or making it worse. With each tidbit I become less and less convinced we can
keep it close. Lawdamighty please Peejus tell me Ciarrocca has something new
this week.
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3:38 PM (3 hours ago)
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Look, I've given you all sorts of
possibilities regarding generating some offense against MSU. Yes, one was
making them run the gauntlet on allergens, ine was dysentery and another
required them to be on an antiquated antidepressant; but it's in those things,
those that bring our opponents to the edge of their lives, that our hope lives.
I'll concede it's a sociopathic hope that doesn't conform to Minnesota's fan
conduct policy. Yet hope it is.
If you're unwilling to accept that, well, our
next best option is they come in all high on life from pantsing their big
brother and completely overlook us. Is that going to happen? Depends on how
many quaaludes you've had, I guess. I think we're cooked, but maybe something
completely fantastical will happen.
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4:16 PM (3 hours ago)
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Something fantastical ya say? Something like a
sudden bout of conscience? A sudden bout of conscience by an MSU coach? An MSU
coach who happens to be a Defensive Coordinator? A Defensive Coordinator who
happens to be from... SAINT PAUL, MINNESOTA?!?!
Maybe Mark Tressel is suddenly longing for
home. He feels awful for his part in building a defense that has been
instrumental in beating his home state Gophers four times in row. He must do
something. He has to help the Gophers. He must sabotage the Spartans. But how?
And time is of the essence. He has only three days.
He approaches Mark Dantonio.
MT: Coach, I've got some thoughts on the game
plan this week.
MD: Game plan is cooked, Mark. Let's make sure
those boys are ready.
MT: But coach, isn't it time to send a
statement? A statement that we are back?
MD: Go on...
MT: What are we known for coach?
Defense.
MD: Of course, but what does that...
MT: We've done it for years. Doesn't matter
the personnel we throw out there.
MD: Okay, but...
MT: LET'S BENCH ALL OF THE DEFENSIVE STARTERS!
MD: I, uh...
MT: There is no greater statement to send to
the haterz than putting a bunch of noobs out there, throwing our middle fingers
in the air and screaming "COME AT ME GOPHS!!!"
MD: Sweet sassy molassy... I LOVE IT!
Green-light it!
/scene
I mean, it's as plausible as team wide
anaphylactic shock.
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4:19 PM (2 hours ago)
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Edit: his name is Mike Tressel
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4:20 PM (2 hours ago)
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I think y'all got into the antifreeze.
You sharing?
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