Wednesday, October 11, 2017

Gmailcast: Michigan State

Because sometimes you can't work out your schedules to do a podcast or you're already on a podcast and can't be bothered to do another one or you're desperate for content and email with your buddies anyway, today SGH introduces the first ever Gmailcast.

Here, @tretanic, @jdmill and I spend eight hours discussing the impending doom that is the Michigan State game. It predictably goes off the rails, hi-jinks ensure and, voila, #CONTENT. 


9:42 AM (9 hours ago)
to @jdmill, @tretanic
Not feeling great about the game this weekend. Hoping Sparty has dysentery or something that almost but not quite kills them on the Oregon Trail. What do you guys think?

10:10 AM (9 hours ago)
to me, @tretanic
I'm trying to keep my expectations incredibly low. In fact, I might be forming a narrative in my head where WE are the ones who have contracted dysentery. Creating a scenario where we have absolutely no chance to win might be a good mechanism to spare my psyche.

But honestly, I'm terrified. With Sparty's D-Line, this game sets up as almost a worst case scenario because our run game is the only thing our offense has going for it. So yeah, I am something less than optimistic.
10:13 AM (9 hours ago)
to @stillgothope1, @jdmill
Last night I was wondering what to have for dinner.  Living by myself, I'm not the best at "meal planning" or even "buying groceries" so often I'm left digging through the dregs of my kitchen.  Things like frozen meals, ramen, brinner (it's breakfast for dinner!) or putting in a lot of work making pasta or Rice a Roni or some shit we're some of the choices available to me.  I had ramen the night prior though, spicy!  My body is my temple.

So, what generally happens is I go out to eat or pick something up.  Last night I had some lovely Kung Pao chicken with steamed rice.  Shout out to Duc's in Woodbury.

Fleck's problem is he can't go out and get some delicious Asian delights from Duc's.  He has to dig through the cupboards and make it work.  Some of the items in the cupboard don't fit together, some are past their due date and should be thrown out.  

One thing I have to question about Fleck's cooking is that our Gophers did not look ready to play last week at Purdue.  They seemed tentative, they made mistakes early, and it just seemed to take awhile to get in the flow of the game.  You can't have ramen straight out of the package, too crunchy; you need some hella hot water to get them noodles ready.

Will the Gophers win? No, probably not.

10:34 AM (8 hours ago)
to @tretanic, @jdmill
Good point about the food and I really enjoyed that analogy. I've been eating whole wheat  tortillas with peanut butter on them every weeknight for the last ten days. It fulfils a need for calories, but is otherwise totally unsatisfying. That feels a lot like our offense: we run some plays like we're required by the rules to do, but it's otherwise totally unremarkable.

Maybe us having dysentery would be better than Sparty a) because it's a super excuse for getting murderballed and b) because they'll likely be wearing white pants and would show the poo stains more than our maroon pants. I'm really here to preserve Sparty's dignity. I hope they do the same for us.
10:59 AM (8 hours ago)
to @stillgothope1, @tretanic
So I guess this has become a thing where we compare Gopher stuff to food. I'll bite. /winks

Not long after I got married, my wife cooked a meal that could best be described as "burnt." But being the new husband that I was, aspiring to be elite, I ate it anyway. I even lied to my wife about how much I was enjoying it while I ingested carcinogens the likes of which my body hadn't seen since smoking was banned in bars in Minnesota.

Anyway, something something, Gopher secondary. It's not the secondary we want, but it's the secondary we have and DAMMIT ALL we should figure out a way to enjoy it, but not feel bad about sneaking some Doritos before bed.

11:54 AM (7 hours ago)
to @jdmill, @stillgothope1
Doritos really are the perfect food type product.  Except for Cool Ranch, throw that stuff right in the trash.

I didn't mean for this to be an all food analogy email string, you guys.  The shtick found me, I didn't seek it out.  

Any chance MSU QB Brian Lewerke is allergic to yellowjackets? Maybe stick a few nests in the heated faux turf like little land mines?  Can't hurt to help put some pressure on him since the Gophers have like two defensive backs left.

12:09 PM (7 hours ago)
to @tretanic, @jdmill
Hell, let's throw the whole collection of potential causes of anaphylaxis at them: latex, peanuts, penicillin. We should also feed them aged cheddar cheese and pork liver in the event one of their key players is on an MAO inhibitor. I don't want anyone to die, but a massive and dangerous allergic reaction or hypertensive crisis would really help the team out. 

Sparty's defensive line gives me hot flashes and night sweats. Outside of attempted mass murder, is there any way we can move the ball against them? Our offensive line hasn't exactly inspired much hope.
2:50 PM (4 hours ago)
to @stillgothope1, @tretanic
We rank 97th in Total Offense and Sparty ranks 4th in Total Defense. Immovable object meet stoppable force. Our best hope is that our defense can figure out a way to give our offense short fields. Then again, we saw how well that worked last week. 

I can't decide if this conversation is helping me or making it worse. With each tidbit I become less and less convinced we can keep it close. Lawdamighty please Peejus tell me Ciarrocca has something new this week.

3:38 PM (3 hours ago)
to @jdmill, @tretanic
Look, I've given you all sorts of possibilities regarding generating some offense against MSU. Yes, one was making them run the gauntlet on allergens, ine was dysentery  and another required them to be on an antiquated antidepressant; but it's in those things, those that bring our opponents to the edge of their lives, that our hope lives. I'll concede it's a sociopathic hope that doesn't conform to Minnesota's fan conduct policy. Yet hope it is. 

If you're unwilling to accept that, well, our next best option is they come in all high on life from pantsing their big brother and completely overlook us. Is that going to happen? Depends on how many quaaludes you've had, I guess. I think we're cooked, but maybe something completely fantastical will happen.

4:16 PM (3 hours ago)
to @stillgothope1, @tretanic
Something fantastical ya say? Something like a sudden bout of conscience? A sudden bout of conscience by an MSU coach? An MSU coach who happens to be a Defensive Coordinator? A Defensive Coordinator who happens to be from... SAINT PAUL, MINNESOTA?!?! 

Maybe Mark Tressel is suddenly longing for home. He feels awful for his part in building a defense that has been instrumental in beating his home state Gophers four times in row. He must do something. He has to help the Gophers. He must sabotage the Spartans. But how? And time is of the essence. He has only three days.

He approaches Mark Dantonio.

MT: Coach, I've got some thoughts on the game plan this week. 
MD: Game plan is cooked, Mark. Let's make sure those boys are ready.
MT: But coach, isn't it time to send a statement? A statement that we are back?
MD: Go on...
MT: What are we known for coach? Defense. 
MD: Of course, but what does that...
MT: We've done it for years. Doesn't matter the personnel we throw out there. 
MD: Okay, but...
MD: I, uh...
MT: There is no greater statement to send to the haterz than putting a bunch of noobs out there, throwing our middle fingers in the air and screaming "COME AT ME GOPHS!!!"
MD: Sweet sassy molassy... I LOVE IT! Green-light it!

I mean, it's as plausible as team wide anaphylactic shock.

4:19 PM (2 hours ago)
to @stillgothope1, @tretanic
Edit: his name is Mike Tressel

4:20 PM (2 hours ago)
to @jdmill, @stillgothope1

I think y'all got into the antifreeze.  You sharing?

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