1/1/20

We'll get to yesterday's game in a few pieces later this week. Given the fact we're currently the opposite of undefeated in conference play, though, I thought it might be fun to talk a little bit about what the kids are now calling #2019itty.

I try to savor every day during college football season, particularly Gopher games. Further, I've spent my entire life pining after next season once the current season implodes - so I recognize looking two full seasons ahead might be a bridge of escapism too far. In fact, I completely agree with that assessment. It's totally absurd.

BUT HAVE YOU SEEN THAT SCHEDULE?! Holy shit, people.

We open the season at home against the Jackrabbits from South Dakota State in what will hopefully not be a repeat of that abortion of a 2009 game where we won 16-13, with the game tied until just over two minutes were left. I was happy our seats were in the lower bowl, or I'd have thrown myself from the top of the stadium. Anyway, we'll steamroll the team from Fargo as we wave our dicks at the country, letting the universe know we've arrived.

Next we're at Fresno State. We've never played them before, but they've been a standard non-conference patsy for B1G teams for years. David Carr ain't coming back, son. They dead.

For the last non-conference game of the season, we play the team Wisconsin tries to lose to every year, Georgia Southern. Georgia's already pretty south in the South. Being in the southern part of a very southern state sounds pretty bad to me. We're at home, fortunately and I'm sure the cool late-September air will freeze them and we can shatter their bock-of-ice bodies with the SISU hammer former S&C Coach Klein left behind. Then we use the ice chips in cocktails. 

Non-conference is pretty straightforward, but the thing giving men and women Gopher fans straight priapism right now is the conference slate. If you've never looked at the 2019 schedule, sit down and grab a paper bag. We at SGH are always looking out for your safety.

@Purdue - Brohm will have left for Tennessee two years before: WIN 1-0

Lolinois - Hopefully Tubby Smith is still coaching there, but even if he is, the next coach will be cleaning up a Chernobyl-level mess: WIN 2-0

Nebraska - Guessing they'll jettison Mike Reilly into the sun at the conclusion of the 2017 season and hire the golden one, Scott Frost. He'll be formidable, but won't have them clicking on all cylinders by 2019: WIN 3-0

@Buttgers - Decent chance Jerry Kill is their head coach by 2019 and we'll all thoroughly enjoy watching him bluster on the sidelines as we win by 70: WIN 4-0

Maryland - It's another close game, but we beat the delicious Terrapins because we're dreaming and it's my narrative: WIN 5-0

Pause: The idea of starting conference play 5-0 for the first time in my life has me sweating and panting. And given that schedule, it would be a surprise if we didn't. Likely 8-0 heading into November.

Penn State - Okay, now things start getting real. I suspect their wunderkind offensive coordinator will be gone by the time 2019 rolls around and they'll be back to relying on the mercurial James Franklin to win them some games. We're at home and it'll be a night game. We win the Bell. We break it. Hopefully it's never seen again: WIN 6-0

@Iowa - We haven't won at Kinnick since supercontinents Gondwanaland and Laurasia broke up during the Mesozoic Era 250 million ears ago. It is 2019, though, and well, we'll all be wearing #TITTY shirts. Why not us? Why not then? WIN 7-0

@Northwestern - We come in ranked in the top ten and beat the piss out of Willy and the Wildcats. Kevin Trahan sobs while dribble pissing himself and finally admitting that maybe the Gophers aren't trash: WIN 8-0

Wisconsin - Fuuuuck. Have we beaten them in 2017 or 2018? Probably not, so we'll need to win to take the division and end 15 years of having our skin boiled off every Saturday after thanksgiving. It's my fucking blog. We win. I don't wear pants for a month: WIN 9-0.

So, yeah, I see 12-0 in 2019, a place in the B1GCG and playing for a shot at the CFB Playoff and/or the Rose Bowl (/whispers, I'd prefer to go to the Rose Bowl than be emasculated by Alabama). We'll have a gang of upperclassmen who are already showing enormous promise (Ty Johnson, Coughlin, all of our LBs, Blaise of Steel) and, your deity of choice willing, some super recruits like Quinn Carroll and Hank Bachmeier who may put us over the hump to places those of us under 60 have never seen.

Will it happen? Will we be in Pasadena on 1/1/20? Fuck yes we will.